A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would like some advice on how to speak to my boyfriend about the lack of sex in our relationship. We have been in a long distance relationship for around 18 months. We are in our early/mid thirties. In the run-up to us having sex for the first time we were really lovey dovey but that has faded somewhat. I don't know if that is because we have settled into the relationship or some other reason.The first time we had sex it was really painful for me but we gave it another go and it was so excrutiating that I couldn't help screaming out in pain. Despite my boyfriend's reassurances that everything would be ok, we haven't had penetrative sex since then and that is almost coming up for a year. We occasionally had really great non-penetrative sex until July - the last time was really passionate but my boyfriend thought it was a problem that he couldn't cum after an hour (I definitely didn't see it as a problem!) and then his friends told us they could hear us through the wall as they were in the next room and my boyfriend looked shocked. He has never got near me since. I don't know if it is the fact that I found sex painful, that he couldn't cum or that his friend's heard us on the last occasion or a combination of all three. We get on really out of bed, and he still gives me affection although not as much.At first he always seemed to have as high a sex drive as me which I thought was great but now this lack of sex leaves me feeling like he doesn't fancy me anymore or that he is having an affair. I love him to bits but don't want to dent his pride so how do I approach him about this? What questions should I ask him? I occasionally get sexually frustrated, but I would say that my sex drive is now dipping really low which is unheard of.P.S I saw my doctor about the painful sex. I had a medical condition which has now been sorted out.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): well about the friends hearing you bit, i think you should try to make it a time when you can relax and just put some music on and ignore the outside world and they can ignore you.Those friends cant have helped much by pointing it out unless you were so loud that they couldnt sleep or couldnt concentrate or something.Its no big deal. A little effort goes a long way with this kind of thing.hope thing go ok with you and your boyfriend, good luck
A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (3 February 2009):
 The first thing that comes to mind is to express to your BF about the medical condition that's been corrected... did he know about this condition? Did you tell him that he's got the "green light"? If not, this seems like the perfect time to tell him and it would also be a stage for you to express your desires a little more openly with him. I find that opening up and being honest without be confrontational or freely handing out accusations (as in don't use the "you" word -- like "you're not putting out any more" -- be more inclusive, like "we have a problem that we should discuss").
Hope that helped...
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