A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey all. I need some advice as my friend is being very pathetic for a 19 year old girl.Ive known this girl since i was born, our dads were next door neighbors when they were little and they remained good friends, until recently where my dads grown tired of her family's lack of manners/hygiene/constant borrowing of money.Then when i was 12 years old i met another girl, who ive been best friends with ever since. Where very very similar, and look very similar. The only difference is she is 5'11 and im 5'1, so everyone questions us being sisters. Where interested in exactly the same things, we have taken the same A-levels and uni course, and both get on amazingly. At first my one friend didnt get on with my other, mainly for the same reasons i stated above she hasnt got amazing hygiene, she's lazy, moody and thinks she's right all the time, but we have put up with her over the years and eventually grown to be best friends.Now recently my more similar friend has got into her first serious relationship, and ive recently became involved in my second serious relationship. So we now have more in common, and if she has something she needs to ask she comes to me, and vice versa. Our boyfriends are really close friends as well so we often double date, and generally do what best friends do, talk about our relationships and do mess around talking about our sex lives.Now my friend that ive known since birth has recently been telling friends of ours and friends of our parents that me and my best friend are pressuring her into having a relationship and making her feel pressured into have sex ( she is still a virgin).This has really annoyed me and my friend, we spoke to her about it and she said its because we talk about our boyfriends and she has seen how its made us closer. My friend made a joke the other day as we went to mcdonnalds for the second time in the same day, and said 'oh its quite lucky i did all the work yesterday' talking about sex, clearly joking around. Our friend went back and told people at a party this and made us look really stupid.She's making out where forcing her to get into a relationship, and its making people think bad on us, also the fact that she's telling people she feels pressured into sleeping with a stranger because shes a virgin is making me cringe, i think its highly embarressing to tell people that, and its also ridiculous that she feels that way. I understand she must be feeling slightly jealous that we have relationships and she hasnt been in a serious relationship yet, and yes maybe we should make the effort not to speak about our boyfriends as it could make her feel awkward. But being our best friend we shouldnt feel like we cant say things in case she goes and says something. She says if she was not a virgin she would be able to join in on our conversations or no what we mean when we talk about sexual things, yet i think this is a stupid reason to sleep with someone. I believe you should sleep with someone when you feel they are the right person for you. How do i tackle this problem? Its really annoying me how pathetic shes being over not having a boyfriend? We really couldnt care less whether shes single or not. I also want to make her see sleeping with a random-er as she is a virgin will not gain peoples respect. Plus just because we speak about our relationships does not mean we are pressuring her to get into one. Help Me!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2010): I would suggest talking to her calmly and telling her (in the very kindest way possible!!!) what you said above. Leave her parents out of it - don't mention them. That is not part of your friendship. Explain that you want to get your relationship back on track with her and why you are upset with her. Keep focused on specific issues so that it doesn't spiral into a massive explosion of emotions. Be kind above all else. If she says mean things do not say mean things back to her! It sounds like she feels left out and hurt that you have another friend, that you admit, you are closer with AND you have boyfriends (never tell her this though). Give her a chance to change her behaviour, if it doesn't change then you should distance yourself from her. You should make notes about what you want to say, but do not give her/send her anything that you have written. She may get angry and share a "notes". You and your other friend should probably discuss this together if you already have been talking about it. Then you should talk to her alone. Otherwise she might feel ganged up on. Emphasize her good points and tell her that you want to have fun with her again - that's why you want to fix the problem. Very specifically tell her what you said above about finding the right person.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2010): This is not your fault- your friend is clearly insecure because she feels the need to constantly "keep up" with you and your other friend. While it is upsetting, think of it like having a younger sister- always wanting to keep up with her older sister and not wanting to be left out. Try to have a "girls only" day and try to limit the boyfriend/sex conversations. Encourage your friend by complimenting her and asking her about how her life is. She seems like she just wants some attention and wants to be included in things. If all else fails, it might be time to rethink your friendship with her. Friendships can go through rough periods, but if someone is causing this much stress, it might be time to let go or limit your time with her.
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