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female
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*aa50123
writes: Hey, well first off, Merry Christmas everyone!My question is about playing heard to get.I mean, if you blow him off, then won't that make him think you're NOT interested and so go looking for someone else?If I was a guy, I'd think that a girl who didn't act keen and didn't listen to me, just wasn't interested.So as a girl, how do I let him know I AM interested, AND leave him wanting more?Thanks!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (26 December 2005):
 I think the whole "playing hard to get" thing is a head game, and who wants to play head games? Only inexperienced teens try to mess with each other's minds, thinking that making each other "jealous", or using friends as go-betweens, or sending anonymous texts/notes -- or a thousand other, pointless games -- are a good way to get to know someone.
They're not, and pretending not to be interested when you really are isn't a good way to start a relationship, either.
So if you like a guy, make it plain! That doesn't mean you have to fawn all over him, or obsess about what he's doing, hours after you've parted company. Smile, ask questions, listen to his answers, make eye contact. All those things convey interest in unambiguous ways.
"Playing hard to get" really should be renamed "being confident enough in your own charms and personality that you let him decide that you're someone he wants to get to know". That's no game, that's the way solid, adult relationships are built.
There are no hard and fast "rules" that anyone pays attention to any more, just as there is no longer a generic assumption that women only pretend they're interested in sex to "land a man". (Playing hard to get belongs to that same era of relationship-advice, btw!)
Treat a man you'd like to date in the same way that you'd treat a nice same-sex person you'd like to have as a friend. Same principle, same goal.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (25 December 2005):
 I really think the balance lies somewhere between flirting and making out. To show him that you like him, you want to listen when he talks and make lots of eye contact! But you are not falling all over him. You want to peak his interests, make him think how great you are without having to throw yourself at him. Guys notice when a girl is attentive, witty, and polite, and they appreciate someone who will ake the time to listen to them, and have something to add to the conversation. You are right that if you ignore him he will think you aren't interested and probably not appreciate being treated that way. I truly believe that the best way to start a great relationship is to avoid as many of the dating games as possible. If you want to play hard to get thats fine, but just be careful you don't make it so hard that he gives up trying.
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