A
female
age
30-35,
*ffy8
writes:Have a crush on a guy at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting! I'm 18 and recently got out of rehab about a months ago and started going to the local AA meeting. AA meetings is the last place I thought I'd devolp a crush on someone. But for the past 3 weeks of going I have this insane attraction to this guy that attends the same meetings I do. They're small meeting usually 10-20 people. The second I heard him talk I felt like he was exactly the type of guy I want. He's been sober a year and has gone through what I have and just gets it. Also one meeting I went to and my mom came, he wrote her a letter telling her that she could call his parents if she ever needed someone to talk to about being the parent of an alcoholic and all this other nice stuff. It was the most attractive things I think I've ever seen a guy do. He says hi to me at all the meetings and ill catch him looking over at me. During the meetings. But the problem is, is that I thought he was maybe 19, or early twenties. But he's actually 27! Almost 10 years older than me. So now I have this huge crush on him and can't stop thinking about him, he seems perfect, genuine, sweet and can completely understand what I'm going through. But he's way older than me and i doubt he is interested in a 18 year old. How do I stop this crush? Or should I get to know him and see where it goes? I just can't stop thinking about him and its driving me crazy! Help!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2013):
 Eddie is 100% correct.
Part of recovery is learning to stand on your own two feet and not be embroiled with someone else. It's STRONGLY recommended that you not have any personal (read romantic) relationships for the first full year of recovery.
His age is not even a concern for me. Your situation is a bigger concern.
If after one year of clean and sober you still feel this way with him, THEN you can consider a relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): Watch out! He could be 13th stepping!
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (20 April 2013):
 First off, congratulations on getting sober. You have taken a HUGE step in improving your life.
One of the tenants or recommendations for many 12-step programs is not to engage in any form of relationships until you have a year of sobriety. The reasons for this are painfully obvious: the drama and emotional highs and lows can truly impact your chance of long-term sobriety. Also if he relapses, chances are you will relapse too. So, in effect, you are gambling with your sobriety and ultimately your life. Also, if things end poorly you will have to see one another in your meetings.
As much as it is appealing to have someone in your life -- especially with one you connect with on a strong emotional level -- is ultimately a risky proposition. I think deep down you know this, otherwise you wouldn't be here expressing your concerns.
I suggest letting this crush subside. Most of them do, given enough time. Also consider going to different meetings where he will not be around. I think, given a little bit more sobriety under your belt, you will be able to engage in a healthy relationship without impacting your life. Also, I would recommend repeating the Serenity Prayer when you feel tempted.
Good luck.
Eddie (27 years).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): Hi, myself I do not see any thing wrong with getting to know this guy, he might be the one, listen to your heart an mind. I have not drank in 22 years, last year I met some one that was in aa, an they convince her to stop seeing me, we got along fantastic, but she listen to them, I could only helped her, I dont drink , an when she said it was over she cried, an said she hopes she can fine her smile some day again, she went back to drinking, an her ex who drank, an beat her, hun be happy an if he can make you happy, go for it, listen to your heart.bye
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2013): OP you're getting over an addiction and only just out of rehab, a relationship is the last thing you need right now and if he's a responsible man he'll know that and keep away.
You can't get rid of a crush, you just don't feed it. No unnecessary contact, no extra talking, no befriending, no meeting up after hours etc.
OP you're trying to get to get into a mental state of serenity and escape whatever emotional torment you had that led to your abuse of alcohol.
You can't afford to throw yourself into the full blown extremely heavy emotion of a relationship right now. You have too much healing to do. OP the stresses and strains of a relationship are the best way to fall back on the wagon, that was your coping mechanism for so long if anything even minor, even imaginary went wrong in a relationship with this guy before you've reached a stage of long term mental equilibrium then you really will just go back to the way you were no matter how convinced you are that you wouldn't.
Don't risk it. Don't get any closer to him.
Focus on healing yourself first and just admire him from a distance.
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