A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Every time I get in a relationship I seem to always panic that I am annoying them or I over think things to must making up problems that aren't there making the situation 10x worse than what it is already. What can I do to try and stop this from happening? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2018): You have to believe you deserve it. Have some faith that it's real; and try to summon-up a little trust for the guy you're with. You worry about a tragic-ending! It keeps you fretting and nervous! Wondering when it will hit you!
You have to trust yourself, before you can trust anyone else. Believe in your own strength. You can handle situations that don't always have happy-ending! It's life!
Sometimes it's your instincts telling you that the guy isn't right for you. You're unsure, and hesitant to accept it. Maybe because you want to have a boyfriend so badly; but you think maybe you can overlook what your gut is telling you may be wrong about him. You think you can fix what seems to be wrong. Instead, it gets worse.
Then, there is insecurity. Insecurity unchecked is poison, it's toxic, and it kills relationships. There is no such thing as perfection. You strive to be the best you can be; and expect no more or less from others. Nobody can promise or guarantee you anything. You just have to hope for the best. Be grown-up enough to deal with disappointment. Not give-up in defeat, because you suffer a little pain. Trust your best instincts. Unless solid-evidence and common-sense are telling you to bail-out! Then bail-out!
When you do this. You need to stop and understand yourself, and what you stand for. Learn to use logic, not to overthink. There is a difference. Logic uses facts. Overthinking relies on fear, guessing, and what-ifs(?)! Know who you are, and try to figure-out why you do things that don't make any sense? Work on fixing it. Not just make excuses for it; then repeat the same failures.
You're pretty young; so you can't have had that many boyfriends. I can see where you might feel a little scared and uncertain of what you're doing. That's normal. Don't feel so bad. You're supposed to be clumsy when you don't know much better! We all do that! Age doesn't change that; but experience will improve on it.
My advice is to relax. Stop trying to be the driver all the time. Go along for the ride, and see how things turn-out. It can go good, or it can go bad. You can handle it either-way.
Stop being such a control-freak! You've always got to know how things will end! What about the present??? You don't always need a predictable-ending! What about what's happening in-between the beginning and the end? Enjoy yourself a little while you're in the middle!
You've got to believe things will and can be good; and that you do deserve it. Don't be so afraid something will go wrong that you'll force it to. You know that you do this; so that's the first-step in fixing it.
Best of luck, my dear!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2018): It's not an uncommon problem to have - I even experience it sometimes. That said, you're right that it's something you need to learn to curb.The way I cope is to leave gaps between texts and to let them initiate roughly the same amount as I do. I take a little mental note of how long they take to initiate and temper mine accordingly. Not to play games or change what they do, just to establish what their communication is like and meet them in the middle.I am good friends with someone I love (used to be together and may get back together when our lives are more stable) who has a lot of mental health issues and socialisation is usually a struggle for him. It's easy to feel that I'm bothering him because that's how his body language reads, but he occasionally reassure me that he want to hang out, as he know I'm a bit unsure of myself. I've spoken to him about it over the last few years we've known each other and we've both adapted to "quirks" and insecurities we have. We don't pander to them, but we do throw in some reassurance and understanding every so often. For example, he sometimes makes a conscious effort to say "I'd like to hang out tomorrow, if you're free" or something along those lines (rather than just "I'm free tomorrow, if you want to hang out" - the wording makes a difference!) and I make a conscious effort to be understanding when he just needs space from the world and can't take any more unintentional pressure from other friends who don't understand that socialising drains him.We still have our moments, like you've described, but that's how we cope and I hope you'll be able to try things like this with friendships and relationships going forward.- Don't obsess over their behaviour, but take a mental note of how often they like to communicate and find a middle ground, usually without discussing it, unless they bring it up (don't play games)- When you're close to them, talk about your habit, just make sure you don't become dramatic about it. Hopefully, if you're close enough, they'll understand and be happy to reassure you every so often, but whatever comes naturally, not needing to force themselves (I'm talking like once per month, not a few times per week)- Remind yourself that they wouldn't put much effort in if they didn't want to, so try to be unbiased and evaluate the effort they put in. Dips are normal because life affects us all, but a long stint of little effort could be something more and that's when you ask them if they are okay (without getting dramatic or confrontational)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 September 2018):
 Sounds like you might not be ready for a relationship. Why not work on simple friendships. Wait with the romance until you feel you have more control over your actions.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 September 2018):
 Naturally, men and women are wired to be attracted to each other. They would be busy making each other happy that they don't have time to worry about things. If you find a guy that's easily annoyed then he's the problem not you. You have to find out why you are not enjoying relationships. Is it because it takes too long for a guy to contact you? Do you need to be glued to the phone all the time? Are you someone who is uncomfortable with silence that you need to fill it with unnecessary talk?
The panic comes from the erroneous thought that should a relationship end, you will crumble and suffer. It is very simple. A relationship either works or doesn't. If it doesn't, you shouldn't waste time. Instead, you look for someone better to suit you, or you stay single for a while. You may be attaching self worth too much depending on the outcome of a relationship. It's probably hormones that's talking loud to you too, that you have to be a mother at a certain time. You have to stop letting them control you because women who let hormones dictate their lives are those who become mothers too young without a good father figure. Take your time and not get too attached quickly.
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