A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some help with my annoying and ongoing problem, so here it is... Whenever me and a girl are getting close in person or online, I have a habit of pushing her away before things can develop any further and I could potentially get hurt. A typical situation for me could start off with me and a girl being friends, then if there's a mutual attraction between us we may start dating. As soon as a girl tells me her feelings are growing for me and I feel it too, I back off and begin searching for signs or clues that she's not as interested in me as she says and that she may just be playing a game on me or something. For example: if I have a girl whom I'm close with, on bbm or facebook, I may see a status update or personal message update and read more into it than is necessary, or read comments on a post she's done or a picture she has uploaded, looking to see if other guys flirt with her or she flirts with other guys, or looking for tell tale signs that she's already in a relationship or interested in someone else too. Its like looking for reasons to prove to myself that she's false and just has intentions to fool me around. I know this is my own insecurities and low self esteem and trust issues, but its really making me depressed because if it weren't for these flaws with me, a majority of these girls could be a potential girlfriend for me. All I want is a steady long term girlfriend but its never going to happen if I won't allow a girl to get closer than certain point in our bonding. I really need to learn to trust and have faith in people, and stop over thinking, analysing and reading between the lines so much. I almost don't recognise who I am anymore its like I'm possessed and destined to destroy my life!Any advice?Thanks in advance.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (14 March 2013):
 Yes. I have some advice. Stop being a jerk and scuttling any potential relationships....
Does that help???
Good luck....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): You have pointed to the problem yourself - you are showing signs of being insecure and needy. These are not attractive qualities from a girl's point of view. Being confident and being at ease with yourself is an attractive quality. To start with, I would leave off Facebook or any site that mean you can view the fact that a girlfriend has a life - whether or not she is going out with you she will have a fully formed social life. Then, as you can attract girls in the first place - be yourself. Don't over think or dwell on your girlfriend to the extent that you imagine things which are just fears.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): You need to change your goals OP. Women are too much of a priority for you if dating stresses you out so much. It's just fun, it's supposed to be a laugh. An added bonus, a fun hobby.
You're not able to enjoy dating because you want a long term stable girlfriend. So you're putting too much pressure on yourself to find the perfect, Mrs. Right if you will and your mind then becomes hyper-critical and paranoid of everything.
You may not consciously be thinking that way but that's how you're acting.
You need to start dating just to date. With no long term goals only the short term goal of enjoying a girl's company and seeing her again. That's it. If you're only casually dating then why would you worry about whether she's seeing another guy or interested in someone else too?
Look I know how it is to over think, I was like that when I was a teen, but I had to force myself out of that mindset because it's counter-productive. I looked around at my friends who were successful at it and I saw one thing they all had in common. They really didn't give a shit whether they succeeded or not because they could always just go date another girl. They saw a girl they liked they shot from the hip and they went for it and they didn't spend all day looking them up online or waiting for their calls they just got on with life and dated the girl as an aside, even if they did put a lot of focus on her it was on their terms and they still had other things they could be doing rather than over thinking things.
I've been in a relationship now longer than I've had a facebook profile so I have no idea how that feels. I do know from the outside though that dating a girl you're friends with on social media is torture in the extreme. It's so damn obvious to us guys when a specific male friend likes a girl on Facebook. He likes all their statuses, he posts really dumb, cutesy messages on it, he tries to make a funny joke comment on any status she puts up and his writing style becomes very girly with an x at the end of each comment etc. and just tries to be overly cute. From what I've seen of my friends dating on it they really do see that guy as a rival.
Plus if they're anything like you and overly insecure and possessive then any regular interaction with any guy on Facebook becomes a big problem.
I've told those friends countless times to just stop looking at their profile and obsessing but they say they can't, you're thinking about that girl all the time anyway and facebook is right there so it's too hard to not look.
One particularly bad friend for that kind of thing, a properly tortured bastard from it all was at his wits end so I told him to go start working out instead. He's a lazy bastard so I brought all my equipment to his flat one time to show him how and I now I go to his place to work out 2-3 times a week. He still overthinks but now he over thinks about working out more so, it's top of his priorities now and women are low down on the list and guess what he has a girlfriend now too, but he cares a hell of a lot less what she does online because he is busy with other things. That's also helped him out a lot in terms of being a fun active guy that has a pretty cool life to share with any woman instead of just playing games all day and being online.
You see he's able to switch off from romance now when she's not around, and any woman he dates is not his main focus, and he literally doesn't care all that much what she does. He does still check her profile from time to time but he doesn't scour it looking for problems, any guy who has obvious interest in her he doesn't care because he's the one who is boning her and he's the one she has chosen to be with. But most of all OP he got rid of the idea of needing a girlfriend, he loves his life he doesn't need anyone to complete that, so if she was to leave tomorrow he'd be cut up about it but only in a normal way and not all that much so he doesn't have any fears anymore.
OP you're dating out of fear of being alone, it's making you needy, insecure and desperate. Date for fun, nothing else. If your life is so empty and shit that you think you need a long term girlfriend this badly then make your life great before you go near any woman. If you're living a great life, are happy with yourself then all this kind of thing will just not matter as much. At the moment though you're living in a state of fear and that translates into how you date.
So get down to the gym, take up football, basketball or other sport that you can get fit and achieve things in, or go take up a martial art, do something active to improve your fitness and confidence. A confident guy assumes he's going to win, sees things positively and is a very attractive proposition for a woman.
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A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (13 March 2013):
I'd say that playing games or teasing you is not the same as when she explicitly tells you that her feelings are growing for you, at least as long as you're not at a bar.
So you probably are a bit paranoia. It's positive you recognized it yourself. Next, do something about it.
Since you are basicly screwing up now each time, I really would take the next girl seriously so that you actually got a good chance of ending up in a relationship.
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