A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi , I don't know where to start when I write this. I'm 22 and live in the uk. I'm doing pretty well career wise , got a good but stressful job , and have a boyfriend. But for some reason I just can't be happy .I always get myself feeling depressed with my past and the things people have said and done throughout my life. I've always been bullied wherever I go , even in jobs, And I never know why as I'm a nice, kind hearted person. I got physically ill with stress from bullies in my last job. I've been abused by a past boyfriend I won't go into details. and taken advantage of whilst drunk by a man. I've had mind games played with me and fallen for the wrong people. I feel more hated than hitler some days and since moving away from home, my family do not bother with me at all, zero contact , and I have zero friends. And everyone that does get to know me seems to abandon me or argue at me for no reason. Even my boyfriend tells me that he's sick of me and wonders why he's in a relationship with me. I feel so so lonely, but I know people should like me , I'm a nice looking girl and I think I have a nice personality and I'd do anything for a friend and I'd take bullets for people who would care for me.My boyfriend lectures me about spending money and doesn't like me to go out or come home late from work because he hasn't had his dinner before bed. I'd be homeless if I did leave him. And be in big money troubles. I work in a male orientated work place with lots of guys and some of the guys there are lovely and I wonder what it would be like to be with them. I feel like I'm starting to get older now and my body might be showing ageing , I worry that no guy wants that. How can I get out and about to meet people, has anyone moved to a new area and how have you made friends?? How do I stop friends from abandoning me ?? Do I need to leave my boyfriend is he holding me back ? How can I meet new guys and which guy would want me if I don't have friends or family? I feel trapped , lonely and sad. But no one seems to know this, thanks for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it,
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2014): You're being bullied for various reasons. If it's something you can't help (speech impediment for example), then politely but firmly explain that you can't help it and that the teasing needs to stop. But I'm thinking it's at work where you have more work or harder work than others or you get the blame for something or people put you in the middle of their issues and decide it's YOUR fault. Work place bullying is very real and people don't grow up just because they're grown ups. I've been bullied and I felt that when I ignored them, they kept at it (they don't tire easily and have friends who are willing to pick up where they left off). I tried standing up to them and they got back at me AND I had to watch my back against them and their friends. Work place bullying is like that too and it really sounds like something a (former) school bully told me, "I picked on you/other people because it made people laugh and I liked that. I knew who no one would stand up for, who didn't have any support and I knew how to 'punish' them if they did try to make me stop. Sometimes, I picked on people because I didn't like them and wanted them to go away and transfer to another school. That's why a lot of us did that - you want someone to go away, you pick on them and make them miserable." He no longer bullies, but it's possible your co workers and friends think you're desperate, needy, annoying, and coming on too strong. So they leave because they really don't get anything out of the relationship You say you'll do anything for people and that you're a good friend, but you're basically just nice. You say you'll do anything for them, but they know that what you want back is attention and a pat on the head when what you try to do backfires. They can tell you're really in it for yourself. If your co workers, people you try to be friends with, family, and boyfriend ALL don't want to talk to you, that should tell you something.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 July 2014):
 It sounds to me like you've falling into a role of playing the victim. In some cases, yes, you were a victim. But this should not be your identity outside of the specific times/that specific context.
So you were bullied before, but why is that relevant NOW? It seems to me you are comfortable being the victim, so you still think of yourself as the person who gets bullied, even after the bullying has stopped.
You being bullied is not your fault, however I find it strange that there would be bullying going on between adults at the work place. Perhaps there is a low working morale where you've been, but surely this is not how the norm is. You need to rise above that and stop expecting it to happen again every new place you work.
A friend is not someone who will save you. No one wants to be friends with a person who is needy and just wants them to be their social crutch. Doesn't matter of you have 1 friend or 100, you absolutely can not depend on a friend to be your social crutch, and be needy. A friend is someone who supports, brings good energy into the friendship, someone you laugh with and share experiences with. Not someone you suck dry and have high expectations for.
In order to get friends you need to be able to be a friend in return! Right now all I hear is that you want a friend to do this and that for you, help you, fix things for you, be there for you, love you, care for you etc etc etc. That's not a friend, it sounds more like what you want is a dog.
You need to get out of this rut you're in. Your boyfriend is not the answer. The things that happened to you in your past is NOT the current. You need to see beyond what was in the past and look at what you have and where you are HERE AND NOW.
I moved to a new city a year ago, and I found lots of new friends through an online site for people who have recently moved to the city/people who want more friends. But I also joined as a volunteer several places, and have met friends through there as well. I also meet friends through old friends. That's how you meet people, you get out of the house and talk to people, simple as that. Some will be your friend, some wont. Close friendships take time to build up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2014): I'll section off the different points in your post....1) Please get cognitive behavioural therapy to learn ways of dealing with bullies without feeling depressed and becoming ill. Also, let them help you with your other issues.2) WHY do you have no contact with your family?3) WHY don't you have any friends?4) You need to stop feeling so desperate to be liked by friends or guys because you need to be independent and not wrap up so much of yourself so early on; it could come across as needy.5) You HAVE to dump the boyfriend and find a way to succeed by only relying on yourself. No excuses; he's controlling and will continue to drag you down. That said, STOP spending unnecessary money, then you'll be able to save up what you can and not be in huge money troubles.6) YOU ARE ONLY 22! YOUR BODY IS NOT BECOMING UNDESIRABLE! FORGET ABOUT MEN! Seriously, you need to work on not being co-dependent. You already have a boyfriend, albeit one you should leave, and you're already thinking of other guys you could be with! Please, you HAVE to stop thinking about men; you'll be seen as vulnerable and THAT is why you'll be used by people.7) You need to go to your doctor and read her your post, she will then understand what help you need and you will be able to move forward with your life.SUMMARY:IN THIS ORDER: - Forget bothering with guys and friends for now, - Read your post here to your doctor (copy and paste it to a Word document and print it to take with you)- Stop spending money you don't NEED to spend, - Save up any money you can, - Find a cheap room to rent (not a flat),- Break up with your boyfriend....That will all take you a couple of months, but HAS to be done in that exact order and you need to start now.
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