A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on how to stop or control the feeling of not feeling good enough. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and I’ve always felt this way, I feel like it’s a bad trait to have but I can’t help but feel this way. My partners friend currently lives in Australia so they keep in touch via social media and he was telling their other friend (face to face) when we was all out together that their friend had sent him a picture of this girl he’s seeing (his friend is single, plays the field, a bit of a jack the lad) and my partner replied ‘she’s fit’ ‘lucky you’. In another conversation he shown me the picture and she is really pretty but she looks nothing like me and I question whether my partner finds me attractive at all. We had a baby 6 months ago and haven’t had time to ourselves since, which I completely get, it’s what happens when you have a baby, but we haven’t been intimate or taken much interest in each other in any way except mother and father. There is obviously going to be people more attractive than me but I know this, my boyfriend doesn’t need to make it known. My self confidence is non existent, I have very low self esteem, especially since having my little boy. I just wish he appreciated me. Am I being unreasonable? I just can’t help this feeling. I wish I could because it plays on my mind most of the time, I always compare myself to others and really need to learn to love myself.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 January 2020):
 What did you expect your partner to say in response to being shown the picture? Being a good friend, he had to say something nice, regardless of whether the girl was his "type". It would not have been gracious to say something like "yeah, she's ok, not my type though". That is not what friends do. He was polite and complimented his friend on his new girlfriend, just as you would do with your friends if they showed you a picture of a new partner.
Do you have a midwife/nurse who you can talk to about how swamped you are currently feeling? I bet she will tell you that this is totally normal so early on in motherhood. Do you have family or friends who can babysit for you for a few hours so that you can go out and reconnect as a couple, rather than mum and dad? It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just a drink or two in the local and a takeaway, or a meal in a local pub. Don't be afraid to share with your partner how you feel and ask him for reassurance of his feelings for you. I bet he feels as swamped as you do and may not even realize that you are not coping as well as you appear to be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2020): If a friend of yours started going out with a new man and she showed you a picture of him, what would you say?
Probably something along the lines of 'He looks lovely,' for social etiquette. Maybe he does look lovely but would that mean that you wanted to leave YOUR boyfriend suddenly? Would it mean that you no longer found YOUR boyfriend attractive?
Of course not. It means that you are being a friend to your friend and complimenting her on going out with someone who looks nice. Being a bloke, he cant say that, he has to say something more like he said. 'She looks fit.' Blokes have to keep up this type of language with each other and he's being a friend to his friend. That's all.
You've taken this comment to a ridiculous level. She looks nothing like you, so therefore your boyfriend can no longer think you're attractive? That's mad isn't it?
You're being parents together, which sounds as if he's committed in this relationship.
Did you feel like this before the birth of your child? Could you be suffering from post natal depression do you think?
And great ideas from the other aunts and uncles...make some time for just the two of you. Go out together, have some time away, maybe a night so that the two of you can reconnect. There's nothing that you've stated in your post that sounds as if your partner no longer loves you. This is all in your head as I think you realise. Maybe have some therapy because having a partner in your life who needs constant reassurance is exhausting for him.
In the meantime put on a confident air, even if you don't feel like it, find something to smile or laugh about and share it with him, kiss and cuddle him and tell him you love him, if you don't do these things already. That might well kick start a reaction in him that will make you feel better!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 January 2020):
 You are the one comparing yourself to this other woman that your partner's friend is seeing, NOT your partner. He just wanted to say something nice to his friend's "choice" in woman. So he said "she is fit, you are lucky".
He could have used WAY more adjectives to describe her, that pertained to her looks.
And lastly, when it comes to this woman, YOUR partner hasn't gone blind when he started to date you. HE will still notice attractive women and YOU will notice attractive men. There aren't rules that say he can't tell his friend that his friend's partners are pretty or what not. HE ISN'T saying they are WAY more pretty than MY partner! (you)
Now back to your partner, you say:" I just wish he would appreciate me." Doesn't he? Ever? Or are you just focused on this ONE time he praised another woman? Do you praise him? Because that goes both ways.
You JUST had a baby it will take a little while to "get back" to normal when it comes to "looking fit". Bot you have youth on your side. Much easier to get in shape when you are younger.
I think a visit to your doctor for a check up would be good- have your hormones checked and make sure YOU are on birth-control. Make sure you eat healthy, get sleep and GET out of the house and exercise.
And do find time for "date-nights". If you can have his or your mom watch the little one (or a babysitter) and go have dinner together or something you two used to do together and enjoyed. It might even just go home and stay in bed together for a few hours.
Life isn't all about WHO is the "prettiest on the wall", op. It's about being the best YOU you can be. Raising your child(en) to be decent person/people.
And remember this, YOU are more than just mom. You are still YOU. And you are still your parent's daughter, sibling's sister, friend to your friends etc. Don't JUST focus on one little aspect of who you are and who you can be.
And if there are thing about YOURSELF that after having had a baby you want to change (like losing the "baby weight", then WORK on that. If you have a pram, bundle baby and yourself up nice and warm and GO for walks. Work it into your schedule. If your partner is home he can come along too. Or he can mind the little one so YOU can go for a walk, bike ride, go swim at a pool or workout at the gym.
It IS a big change to become a mother, physically, emotionally and mentally. It's both amazing and terrifying. You can do it.
If you show your partner that you can ALSO still BE his partner, he will return the favor. Maybe he isn't sure if you are still wanting him in "that" way.
Don't over interpret EVERYTHING your partner says to mean he isn't happy about you. That is not what he said. Focus on what is important.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2020): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"He might feel having sex is defiling you like he would a whore."
"It's got nothing to do with self-esteem and all that."
P.S.
It becomes burdensome and frustrating always having to reassure a person how much you love them. Yet they still don't believe you.
After awhile, you just stop trying. What's the use?
If you never had self-confidence and low self-esteem, what was it that made you feel you're ready for a long-term relationship and a kid?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2020): You've placed all your value and worth as a human being in the hands of your partner.
If you feel so insecure with him, why did you decide to have his baby?
If you don't trust that he loves you for whom you are, how have you maintained a relationship that has lasted five years?
The life, welfare, and wellbeing of child is now in your hands. You don't know or love yourself; so what could you teach a child about self-worth and confidence? That's an important part of parenting. Some go overboard, and some fall far too short of that responsibility to children.
You're hanging your self-worth on few words he said? You aren't even sure if he loves you, yet you had a child with him? If you never loved anything about yourself, why did you get yourself into a relationship? What was it supposed to do for you?
Value as a person isn't measured by your looks. You can't truly love anybody else when you have no love within you for yourself. It means you need others to validate you; and tell you that you're pretty to feel good about yourself. Looks fade, your body changes, but you are still you!
You are being cruel and so unfair to yourself. You base everything on looks, and not character and personality. Nevermind the fact that you have a man. How did you manage that?
What was it that he saw in and about you that made him want you as his woman?
You know, people here can comfort you with a lot of nice words and reassurances. You won't believe a word, because you have already shutdown; and decided your partner's complimenting another female (he has never met) means you're nothing.
Do you believe the child is the only reason he's with you, or what? You've been together for five years! The baby came only six months ago! What was it like the years before you got the positive pregnancy test? Now that there's a new baby, everyone has to lose sleep; and he has to work even harder to support his family. Your body just nourished and pushed-out a baby after nine months! You're exhausted, and he's exhausted. He's not feeling sexy either!
Couples become domesticated, complacent, and comfortable. You've probably been together thick as thieves since teenagers. You grow used to each other. Living like a husband and wife for so long, yet being so young; you might even grow tired of each other! At your age, people are just getting out of college, and starting a career. You've put everything into your relationship. Did you feel as worthless before he said the other woman was fit?
Then a child is placed in the middle of all this. You feeling useless and your relationship is going stale. I guess you need to go find a little country church, say a few prayers, and see what God can do about all this! This is partially hormonal, and the rest is a starving spirit, sweetheart.
I think you should see your doctor about postpartum depression. Why would you feel so down on yourself, because your boyfriend says something nice about his buddy's lady-friend? He was being polite. Was he supposed to say she looks like a skaggy-hag and she makes his eyes burn? Would you feel better if he had? You didn't say he said: "She's fitter than my woman, and you're luckier than I am!" That's not what he said, but that was your interpretation! She's his buddy's flavor of the month, not his girlfriend for the last five years! Be real!
If you brought a child into your relationship, only because you felt him slipping away; you should have carefully considered whether that was a good idea. Especially, if you weren't sure that he loves you! It's the Madonna-Whore Complex! (Google it!) He sees you as purity..."a mother with a baby now!" Hence, his mind has to reprogram and re-adjust itself to see you as his "sex-partner" again. He feels he's feels having sex is defiling you like he would a whore.
See your doctor, you may be suffering depression. It's got nothing to with self-esteem and all that. It seems more to do with whether your relationship was ready to bring a child into it; if you knew long beforehand that he was slipping-away. Your looks aren't the problem, it seems it is more about a relationship that might have run its course. Insecurity can also become so unmanaged that it becomes toxic. It will kill a relationship with slow poison.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2020): OP, let me point to the example of motherhood. A good mom with multiple children will love all of her children. However, she will love each child in diffent ways, and for different reasons. That does not make the mom compare her kids to figure out which one is best, because to her, they are all, best! Do not compare yourself to others, because GOD made you unique! Take me for example, I did not marry the prettiest woman who I have ever seen, but I did marry a good looking lady, who loves me, who wants to be with me, and wants to explore every avenue of good sex, plus get pregnant from my seed, and who puts up with me, in spite of all of my many flaws! You see OP, I am not the most handsome man, that I have ever seen either! Just because your hubbys mate has a hot or fit gf, does not make you unhot or unfit! If she is pretty, and a nice person, then his mate IS a lucky man! That does not make your hubby an unlucky man! You and your newborn, are gifts from GOD!!! Get a babysitter and a motel room with hubby!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 January 2020):
 See a doctor to check your hormones and help you process your feelings. Then find someone trustworthy to babysit once a month for date night with your partner.
My neighbours pay me to babysit 1 - 3 times a month because they started having marital problems when they were just parents passing in the night, rather than parents AND a couple. They initially used my babysitting time for couple’s counselling, then for date nights. They’re doing much better now.
Being a parent is great, but you and your boyfriend are only tied by that - no engagement or marriage - which means you need to reinvigorate the couple side of your relationship.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (4 January 2020):
In the last line of your letter you yourself..have answered your own question..That you really need to love yourself.Your low self esteem is not something that has happened over night.This may have happened as far back as your childhood..but it is very difficult to live with.First of all there are always people who are more attractive than we are.But everyone has something special to offer and they are unique in that way.We make the most of whatever we have.maybe someone has lovely hair or nice eyes,nice walk.or a good manner.The most important thing to remember is i am special in my own way.Never easy to manage a new baby..but you will get there.Maybe your partner appreciates you but is not good at showing it,also he will find a big difference now that you are a mum and having to spend a lot of time with the baby.Now i hope you will consider doing the following each morning by looking into the mirror and saying out loud..I am good enough....it will work.Best luck.Nora B.
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