A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do I stop ending up with girls who ONLY want attention?The earlier posts are EXACTLY what I keep running into! They get all flirty, talk to me for hours, text me cute things all day and when we finally have sex or try to, they say I'm ONLY in it for sex!I'm not but I've tried but they just humiliated me. Guess I'm not enough an asshole.I do want a girlfriend but girls I approach seem TOO out of my league or turn into the same kind, real sweet and fun at first but then just want to be friends but still want all the free dinners and all my time and hang all over me publicly but when we're alone they want nothing to do with touching and just want to talk and talk...How do I pick up on an attention getter right away so I can avoid them and not be an asshole? I am just friends with some girls but they're gamers or sort of tomboys who don't act so sensitive and needy. I DO want a girlfriend: you're low key, sort of conservative, quiet girl who isn't needy, is Willing to sometimes pay her own way, likes working out, takes care of her appearance etc, is into sex but keeps it in the BEDROOM and will actually give back! I really don't want just sex but it's happened. Usually with real needy clingy annoying girls who I pretty much was too busy to spend time with otherwise and just wanted to get out of there. Except they're the ones who inserted themselves in my life to the point where it was stalkerish.I spend 18-20 wasting time on this girl who was sweet at first but needed help. She had real bad skin was smoking weed and easy to bed even though she was fat and you could tell how she acted most of the time she was raised well. I wanted to make sure no one would hurt her and turn her life back around.I paid for a gym membership for her, made sure she went, brought her a picnic lunch each lunch break, paid for makeup, got her eyebroparents, made her get rid of the stupid bowl cut and her piercing. I had a lot of long conversation with her parents and found out she was raised Catholic, needed back in church, was not raised its OK to do drugs or all her stupid feminist politics. Her parents told me she was lucky to have me in her corner and told her not to let me go. I made sure she was with me as much as possible, got her a job on my shift, arranged classes so we could go at the same time, made sure some of my female friends were by her side so she would never have to be alone. And she still flirted with guys when I told her it was cheating and she thought too much of herself and she was just so ungrateful and mean and trash talked me all the time. She kept trying to dump ME (HA) and when I finally dumped her she immediately started doing drugs again and sleeping around.I'm not an asshole, I'm just really sick of being taken advantage of when I'm not one and it pretty much looks like girls only want attention and then kick me to the curb when they're bored. Or when I bend o er backward they are just mean.How do I tell this right away? I wasted my best years with my nose against the glass.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 June 2016):
Ill be as direct and blunt as possible.
Women use you as an emotional tampon because you present yourself as a beta and allow it. Present your self as a cocky alpha with a lot of other options, and they will only want to sleep with you.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (19 June 2016):
 "She had real bad skin was smoking weed and easy to bed even though she was fat" - that's such a spiteful and judgemental thing to say. You don't *deserve* a good girlfriend if you can't respect women. You "helped" her so that *you* would benefit. That's not helpful; it's *harmful* because you're saying she isn't good enough without losing weight, putting makeup on, changing everything about herself. You *are* acting like an a***hole. Don't try to change people unless you really are just helping them, not forcing them to change everything to be what you think they should be.
You're controlling and have degrading views of women. That makes for a *horrible* boyfriend and borderline abusive with how nasty you are about them. Women are *not* your property - don't treat them like they are!
Take time out from dating and better yourself. You need to do *a lot* of work on your personality before you deserve a good woman.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 June 2016):
 Your post says it all. Unless your view of women takes an earth-shattering, fundamental change, you shouldn't be dating them. You're having the problems you are because the women you're seeing are spotting the real you and not putting up with it.
You're also deceiving yourself. Women are a means to a selfish end for you. Sex is at its core, but also a trophy, an ornament, or some sort of property is how you've been treating them. Your story about the fat woman was downright offensive in the way you treated her. Why the hell would you date her if you think her ideals are stupid and she's unattractive? I can answer that one! The "Easy to bed" part. That's nothing short of sick.
You want some good looking woman who will shut up and spread her legs for you. Low key, conservative, not needy? That's fine, but girls are supposed to BE part of your life. The moment they make a wish for your intimacy, you call it "clingy". Seriously, that's why many girls are getting away from you, because you are actually giving NOTHING in the relationship.
Paying for a gym membership is self-serving. Choosing her food for her, making her change her haircut and eyebrows, all self-serving. Talking to her parents like you're a third parent?? Controlling her friends and getting bristly when she talked to guys? Of COURSE she tried to dump you! You should have been dumped!
You can't treat women like you do. You're dysfunctional in your view, your treatment, and your lack of any meaningful expression of intimacy. Stop being controlling. Stop demeaning women who want to be close to you. Otherwise, just pay for prostitutes and everyone's happy, including the girls who escaped your controlling ways.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (19 June 2016):
I'm with chi-girl... Your last third of your post- that isn't a healthy relationship. That shows no respect for your ex at all. It reads basically you picked her up Sa broken mess, that you then made your life purpose to fix into what you wanted in a partner, then she was so ungrateful that your wonderful input as you view it. Really? Read the last third again to yourself. You sound controlling and like you see a girlfriend as someone broken that you need to fix, and she should be so happy and lucky to have you! When really, it rather sounds like you look for a woman who is in a place where she will be attracted to a man who doesn't love her for who she is, but criticises and controls her, and doesn't mind her for who she is. You don't look too good to be frank, OP
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2016): Honestly, because you don't see women as equals in their own right. The girls you like you give attention too, they are not into it so much-but instead of moving on, you blame the girls for stealing attention, while you use, and dismiss girls who do like you as needy clingy stalkers-I suspect you lead these girls quite the merry dance and then ghost them.
Also the way you portray your ex is terrible-not least because of the way you speak of her 'easy, fat, bad skin, stupid hair, substance abuser' if she was that bad why did you go out with her-she made you feel supperior, and then you tried to fix her-to be honest it must have been terrible for her, never alone, forced to eat food you decide on, forced to change her hair and make up, forced into the gym-all the while you and her parents talk about the good you are doing. The most telling sign is she did not want to be with you, she was trying to dump you and you would not let her-Why on earth would you not let her break up with you-oh right because 'she thinks too much of herself'. She had a lucky escape from you and your abusive controlling ways. This is probably what decent, together girls see-they want to go out with men that see them as equals not needing to be fixed and controlled, not men like you who thinks women need to minded by your female friends (what is up with that-if I was your friend I would call you out not help) and that flirting is cheating.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 June 2016):
 Oh, sorry, appears I should have read your last part before I posted... I think there is something really wrong with the way you view women. You talk about your ex as if she was some dog you found on the side walk, raising her, getting her hair fixed, doing her makeup, getting her to the gym... I mean WTF?
Women aren't there for you to FIX, or HELP, or whatever you have gotten into your head. If you don't like the way someone looks, then leave them alone. No woman, I repeat NO WOMAN, want to be treated the way you treated your ex. You say you wasted your time on her? I mean for what, you were obviously grooming her, but into what? Your picture perfect woman? Domesticating her? Having her on the same job as you, same shift and "making sure" she did this and that? That's putting her on a leash like a dog. That's CONTROLLING.
You need to stop doing that sort of stuff right away. If you don't like the way someone act, behave, look etc, then leave them alone. Do not start manipulating and controlling and using them like you did your ex. You are not some knight in shining armor, and no body asked you to rescue them.
Once you stop trying to manipulate women, you will have a much easier time finding someone who likes you the way you are. But it starts with you accepting that you need to let people see you for who you are, and not try to hide behind some "fixer upper" appearance, or act as if you're there to save them (which is extremely belittling, might I add). Your current approach works to find a slave, not a girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 June 2016):
It seems you confuse sex with girlfriend. Just because you have sex with someone, doesn't mean you are in a relationship. All the girls want to talk and talk UNTIL you enter an official relationship. Then comes the sex.
There's a crossroad there that is called "having the talk", which seems like you're skipping. Thus you constantly end up with the same problem. Flirt and talk, try to have sex, get ditched. This is what you need to do: flirt and talk, have the talk about exclusivity/relationship, then have sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2016): Probably because you GIVE the girls attention. Whether its bc you feel sorry for them, want to help them, want to date them, want to sleep with them... they all (you feel) want ATTENTION as long as it suits them. They probably have low self esteem but instead of trying to boost their self esteem (self image, self respect) they're relying on others (you) for a temporary ego boost.They probably aren't bad sociopaths but yes, a bit mental. The girl you put all that time into? Re read what you wrote. Maybe you MEANT to help her, but you also made sure she was w you or your friends with NO time alone (yikes!) and you discussed her with her parents like you were a chastising teacher (yikes^10!) A girlfriend needs to be a FRIEND, an EQUAL. I'm sure you meant well but she probably resented it and was flirting bc she still wanted that assurance and attention. After the breakup, she probably went "wild" to enjoy her newfound freedom.I think this will help: if a girl you like looks nicer than normal, go ahead and compliment her. If she goes on about how fat she feels, you don't have to sign her up for a gym membership. Just point her in the right direction, "hey Hannah, I go to this great gym and I've got a week of free trial membership. If you like it, mention my name and you get a discount." Or, ASK if she wants help or advice. If you only just met her and she's telling you her family history or physically all over you, say, "excuse me, I need to use the john." On the way back introduce her to other people or keep mingling so she doesn't monopolize all your time. Go slow, make friends, light flirting if you're interested and I agree: let her go if she just wants friends or attention
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 June 2016):
 I don't think you are as clueless as you seem. Your last girlfriend needed help and you took a risk, you took her on as a project and hoped that she would turn out to be the daughter that her family wishes she was. You are still very young and your best years are yet to come. I do think it's a good, serious attitude to have that you would not make the same mistakes again, such as loving someone for her potential. I believed you stayed with her because you had thought your options were slim. So right now, why don't you focus on your career goals and ambitions. So that you can demand higher quality girls.
Whenever you try to date a girl and she says she just wants to be friends, it's time to cut her off. That's what you do. You can only be taken advantage of if you let it happen. Only develop something deeper when you see the girl reciprocates.
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