A
female
age
26-29,
*wertyuiop018
writes:I always crush on a guy who is kind of a jerk, but the type of guy parents love because he totally sucks up to them and looks really good on paper — smart, ambitious, handsome — but deep down, he is not the nicest person. He usually has a controlling streak that is sneaky and subtle. He makes comments aimed to get a reaction out of me. I like him more than he likes me, etc.They’re just crushes and luckily I figure it out before anything gets serious, but it scares me that I like guys like this. I know that they’re bad news, so why do I still hope that they’ll change into Mr. Nice? I feel like I have to prove myself or please them, which isn’t healthy.Has anyone liked someone like this? How did you break the pattern? How did you get out of the toxic part and move onto a healthy relationship?
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ambition, crush, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 December 2018):
 Eh crushing on a jerk is not the worst you can do, at least you don't go date a string of them...
Men who comes off as Alpha males, strong, self-reliable, confident, sexy/hot, and maybe even cocky (and cruel) are for whatever reason something many women are attracted to.
Because those men SEEM good on "paper" they are GOING places in life. Also, women SEE these as MANLY MEN. You might want a nice guy who can knits socks and do your dishes for a partner, but for a mate... you might want someone who is a "top hat/top dog". We all want "strong and healthy" offspring.
"bad boys" get laid more than "good guys", but what they DO NOT get... is the healthy relationships that the "good guys" get. (eventually).
It's biological. Doesn't mean you have no control. It just means that you are looking at the superficial stuff only when crushing on a guy.
And it's also partly because you aren't REALLY sure what you want and what you have to offer.
Since are AWARE of how you currently think/feel, go extra slow when meeting someone. Be you. Don't try and be "the perfect potential GF" nor bend over backwards for a guy.
I don't think I have EVER had a female friend who hasn't "had" a bad boy in their life. Usually for a short term only. Still.. been there, done that. Once you have MADE that mistake you take the time to pick it apart so you DO NOT repeat it.
How do you break the pattern?
1. you recognize "bad" behavior and DO NOT ignore it.
2. You know your own worth.
3. you KNOW what you have to offer and what you are looking for in a partner.
You end it and WALK away as soon as you see behaviors that are deal-breakers for you.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 December 2018):
 Women crush on jerks because masculine guys show jerk traits. Domineering, adventurous and powerful. There are many types of guys. You just have to wait till you meet one who has the good qualities you want but at the same time not too nice to be a pushover.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 December 2018):
 You don’t know what someone is like before you start talking to them so it’s not always easy to see who is a bad match early doors.
As soon as you notice these behaviours then you break things off, it’s that simple. The whole point of dating is to weed out bad matches, you do this by getting to know people.
You’ll eventually find a good person.
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