A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I guess I've come to a point where i need advice. My gf and i have been dating for awhile now. We fell for each other quickly and are very in love with each other. It seems like everything is perfect except i cant stop being jealous of her ex bf and i don't know who is wrong anymore. When we first started dating she hated her ex. They dated for just under a year but she had been very in love with him and he hurt her very badly. He was her first love so she was very attached. She still wasn't over him when we started dating but she was starting to move on. Because of this though she had trust issues in the beginning of the relationship. All jealousy at this point came from her and i did everything i could to earn her trust as a bf. Including breaking off all ties with my ex, whom i was never in love with and i decided my gf was more important. But now it seems things are the other way around and i cant stop being jealous of her ex. She now says shes forgiven her ex and they're friends now. This started causing issues between us so she said she would stop talking to him, which would work for a little while but start all over again after he texted her and she couldn't not text back. She says she doesn't text him first usually, but if he texts her she cant not text him back. She pretty much tells me that i have no choice in the matter and no matter what she's going to talk to him. After a bit i started to accept it until he said he missed her and she said she missed him too. She admitted to him that she was still attached to him but love her bf(me) and that they'd only be friends. The fact that she cant keep herself from talking to him makes me more jealous then i should be. I trust her but i cant help it. Ive never let stupid jealousy go this far and I try my hardest not to be but half the time when they talk i get jealous to the point where i start to break up with her but can never follow through. She means so much to me and i would never want jealousy to tear us apart but i feel like it is. I try to talk to her about it but that never goes anywhere. Am i wrong to feel this way? Is there something i should do? or do i just have to suck it up and stop being immature? i dont even know whos wrong in the matter anymore. I want to be as good of a bf as i can be but i feel like this is going to tear us apart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice. I talked to her and in the end gave her the ultimatum of either me or him. She chose me and broke off ties with her ex. Honestly i wasn't really expecting this and thought things were over. Hopefully things stay this way and i don't have to loose her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): So you were happy to cut ties with your ex for her but she's not willing to cut ties with her ex for you? God, I freakin' hate double standards... Especially when you try to point out the blazingly obvious double standard its like trying to teach algebra to a goat...
I'd love to say, just spark up contact with your ex, but then you'll find yourself playing petty mind games with her. You really have to ask yourself, hypothetically speaking... if she wasn't going to change at all from how she is right now... could you end up being with her forever?... or would this issue eat away at you until you resent her. Could you live with this behavior forever, knowing that she wasn't going to change?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): step 1 talk to her. communicate.
step 2 she needs to understand that she needs to stop talking to him. it's messed up to say out loud that she misses him. eventually she'll stop missing him. remind her that he hurt her and that you would never do those things to her. tell her that you want to develop the relationship further but her ex is impeding this. she cant be focused on the past. that part of her life is over. the rules are the rules: how would she feel if the tables were turned and you were best friends with your exgf you were in love with? she DEFINITELY would not let that fly. remind her that it makes you feel bad, hurt, and a little jelous. if she TRULY loves you, she'll do anything to work with you to make you happy.
step 3 treat her right and remember that she chose you and you're so much
better than him. if you are good to her then you have nothing to worry about.
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