A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is not so much a relationship question, but a question about how to improve myself. Basically, I'm a softie. A doormat. A pushover. I need to change this. I'm basically those people whose manners override common sense. I never want to be rude to anyone, I don't want to offend anyone and I avoid conflict at all costs. You have to be a special brand of a-hole if you want to make me angry. With guys who are interested in me (but I don't feel the same way) I'm that person who has a hard time letting them know that. I also have a hard time detecting whether someone is just being nice or has ulterior motives.I already tried to toughen myself up by following martial arts classes regularly, but though it makes me feel more confident it doesn't take away my marshmallow personality. During training and sparring I have no problems giving it my all. But if I end up hurting someone I throw a verbal waterfall of apologies.Your thoughts and suggestions would be very much appreciated! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): I think it's a rare quality to be a passive type of person. In today's society where everyone speaks their minds and acts like a regular jerk, being a "marshmallow" is a gift. I do think in terms of dating, you should let the guys know. Theres a difference between being quiet and passive with friends and quiet and passive with guys. Not trying to offend anyone, but guys don't usually pick up on clues girls leave. You need to spell it out for them. You're not being outspoken if you're telling them how you feel, you're just being yourself. Not telling him how you feel is pretty much being in the same boat as being rejected, not being with the guy at all, so you might as well take a chance and tell him. I don't think there's anything wrong with your personality, but if something is bothering you, you should tell someone, just so it doesn't eat away at you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): I think you may find assertiveness training useful. That's a way of being firm but not agressive or too soft.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 June 2012):
 I am not sure what you don't like about yourself. Other people might look at you as a doormat but really you are just nonchalant about everything. You can be nice and confident at the same time. While being a doormat when you are with a jerk does not help, but if you are with an equally giving man, you will both reciprocate each other's goodness. When you reject guys you are not interested, passively leading them on is surely not kind. It's hard to hurt them at that moment but when you look at the big picture, they will get hurt sooner or later. Saying no does not make you a negative or bad person. Being selfless can be a wonderful quality but unfortunately in this world there are too many ungrateful and manipulative people, those who don't deserve your efforts. Not everyone shares your level of empahty. You may be lucky to find a guy just like you, but when you have a kid you need to teach him boundaries so he learns independence. Just learning to say no you will be able to free up time for yourself. Your partner could be a nice guy but he is not perfect and there will be things you don't like about him. You will also learn that conflicts is a part of life. Not dealing with them means you suffer alone and might even resent your partner for not knowing what bothers you. It is about bring balance and thinking more for yourself.
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A
male
reader, 83puremage1  +, writes (13 June 2012):
Well I understand how you feel since I was once at your position. It does take time to build up confidence especially you sounds like people who are naturally just like 'marshmallow', in my case it took me 3 years to change my personality.Firstly, you must change your mental mind first. The only way is to develop something that you are excellent at it. When I mean excellent, it means rarely anyone can beat you in it. In my case, it was my interest in economics. When you manage to complete this stage, you will be much more confident.Secondly, you have to stop feeling 'soft' towards other people. It doesn't hep to 'throw a verbal waterfall of apologies'. One is enough. Thirdly, give yourself a three year target and try your best to achieve it. In my case, the process was absolutely painful and mental torturing because I had to given up many things that I used to love. Lastly, don't look back and no regret. Just remember to hold on to the pain and eventually you will be delighted to achieve your target.
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