A
female
age
30-35,
*Z
writes:Hey all. I'm going off to college soon (this fall), and my mother has been freaking out for a while. She and my father are divorced, and because neither of them ever saved any money for college for me I'm on my own (although I understand - we had some hard times when I was younger). Due to this fact I have to live at home at least for Fall Semester, although I might try to move on campus Spring Semester. My father lives in the city where my college is, and my mother lives thirty minutes away. I've decided to stay at my father's home because of this, even though throughout my childhood I've mostly stayed with my mother. This upsets my mother. A lot. She sometimes will randomly begin yelling at me and telling me that I don't love her and I'll never see her again and that I'm a horrible daughter. I try to remain calm, but I feel as if I'M the adult and SHE'S the child. I simply don't know what to say to her, because I do love her and I do want to see her frequently while I'm at school. But my feelings are constantly hurt when she calls me a traitor and yells at me (it's gotten to the point where I sometimes break down in tears, and I hardly ever cry in front of her).What can I say/do to help? I love my mother dearly, but I need to have my own life, focus on college, get good grades, and start out on my own. I really want to have a good relationship with her, but I'm not sure what to say/do.Any advice would be great.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): She's triggered by something, and if she's in the zone for menopause that could be layering an entirely different bizzaro world on top of this. I suspect that the divorce was ugly, and that she's never gotten over "being abandoned".
When she's in a state like this there's no one to reason with, and any efforts are only going to spin her up even more. You've accessed the situation correctly, you do need to do these things for yourself.
You can not do anything to change how she feels, only she can do that. If you can bring in a third party, an aunt, or a cousin, (I suspect that Dad's not a good choice) or an outside councilor that might be worth a try, but don't take this on as your next big project. You need to focus on you.
Write her a letter, tell her how you feel - the positive and the negative. Hold it, re-read it, edit it... and after a few cycles of this give it to her, or leave it where she'll find it. Be prepared in case she reacts negatively, but maybe she'll read it and at least acknowledge that this is more about her than you.
My best friend went through this with her Mom at your age. She went nuts when she found out she was dating a guy in college, CRAZY when she was having sex, and worse when they moved in together. Image what she did when she came out of the closet and told her she was a lesbian. A few years later her Mom came around and they had a great relationship and 3 years ago when her Mom couldn't live on her own she moved in with them and when she passed away they had a great relationship. What I'm most grateful about is that this woman to did the right thing, moved and went to college, got a degree and built a career that allowed her to be there for her mother.
keep the focus on your goal, do what you need to do. She'll have to learn to deal with it and start addressing the real reasons she's not copping.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 June 2010):
 You've gotta be the adult here. Your mom is going through empty nest syndrome and separation anxiety when it comes to you. She also I'm guessing is going through menopause, which plays holy havoc on her hormones.
Don't take anything she says personally, even though I know it's a very tall order and she can hit buttons in you that no one else can. Just reassure her that you love her, and though you're growing up, you'll never stop being her kid.
I promise, it will get better as she comes to grips with you growing up. One day, she will apologize to you for how she's treating you. For now, don't take it personally. It's more about what she's going through as a parent losing her beloved daughter than anything you're doing.
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