A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a wonderful guy for around two months now. He's kind, warm, generous and so much fun to be around. However, he is still really close to his ex-girlfriend of 5 years. On a rational level, I trust him completely and actually think it's quite nice that they have remained friends after the relationship broke down. In fact, I wish the same was true of me and my ex! However, on an emotional level, their closeness sometimes makes me feel insecure. It's not an emotion I am used to feeling, and I don't really know how to handle it. So far, I have managed to keep this a secret. But I am really worried about him finding out that I feel this way, because I recognize that it's an irrational and possessive mindset. I really don't want it all pouring out one over-emotional day, either in an upset or an angry way. How do I stay calm and put these feelings to one side? Please help me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, thank you SO much! It has really helped me to read such thoughtful and considered to med responses, and I am very grateful to you all for taking the time to reply to me. I think you are completely right that I need to keep talking about this rather than bottling it up. My feelings probably do stem from issues I have with my own self belief rather than the actual situation.
Oh, and one other thing - I have met the ex, on several occasions. In fact, he invited her over to dinner with the two of us last Sunday and cooked her a roast because she was sad about an argument with her new boyfriend. It has been a little bit awkward, but as you guys said, he's not concealing anything from me! He has also said that their relationship as a couple was never very good, though they get on well now as friends. I think I maybe just need to grow up and realize that yes, he has a past with other women in it, but I don't necessarily need to be threatened by that.
Once again, thank you so much for helping me to realize this.
A
female
reader, damomma +, writes (15 June 2009):
 Hello, it's horrible isn't it, to feel vulnerable and to add to that a little guilt for feeling a little insecure.
You know what though, feelings aren't like clothes, you can't choose which ones to have, you just have them. Accept that you feel this way and then perhaps you will stop feeling threatened by them and can move towards a way to respond to them.
You know they are your feelings, nobody else's and they come from you, have you asked yourself where you have felt like this before?
How did your last relationship end, was there any infidelity there? Is it possible that these current fears stem from unresolved issue in your previous relationship?
You have rationalised that this new relationship doesn't present a particular reason to feel threatened, maybe it isn't your new partner that is the source but a little left over from somewhere else.
You're right, trying to contain this will not help to resolve it and you have been intelligent in seeking a safe outlet to discuss it in, that alone will very much reduce the risk of it 'spilling out'.
Would it help to talk it through some more before raising it with your boyfriend, in that way you may be able to identify the main cause of your concern and clarify what you need to allieviate the insecurity?
Do keep talking, it will help you externalise something that is might otherwise just fester. Good luck with this, I will be thinking about you, take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): You certainly don't sound irrational or possessive to me! You sound human, and everybody has insecurities from time to time.
I do understand your worry that it will all just pour out of you one day, when you least want it to. I think this is more likely to happen if it all keeps building up inside of you. So, the only way to prevent that from happening is to talk to him. Just calmly explain your concerns. Like I said before, I don't think you will come across as irrational or anything. He might even be pleased that you obviously care so much about the relationship.
What's the worst that can happen? Is it likely that he will run for the hills, screaming that you are a possessive, controlling madwoman? No, not really! If he did react badly, then that would be his problem, because he should be sensitive to your concerns.
Hopefully, he will be able to sit down with you and put your mind at ease. Or what if you met his ex? A weird suggestion maybe, but perhaps if you met her, you would feel less threatened by her.
Good luck anyway, I hope it works out well. x
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