A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello.I am involved in an emotional affair with a married guy. We haven't had sex or anything like that. But the attraction and chemistry between us is strong. We work together and used to speak more but recently because of the chemistry he has been pulling away. He finds it hard to look at me and talk to me now. I am also finding it harder to be around him because we both know the chemistry is crazy between us and deep down we both know it can't go anywhere.He friend requested me on FB a few months ago and is privy to my personal life and what is going on in my life. He has no other coworkers on FB. Only me. And he sent me the request. He has mentioned to me things he has seen on my timeline so he is checking out my profile. I feel like he is getting emotionally close to me by reading all my posts on FB.I pull away too but once I distance myself he always comes back. It is this stupid roller coaster ride of emotions. He seems to be hot and cold. If I back away, he will come and stand close to me, pay attention to everything I am doing, single me out in a group, always lingering in his stare etc. But if I reciprocate, he will then get cooler. If he does not want anything to happen, he should just stay away then regardless of what I do. But he keeps coming back.How do I handle this? I just got over a man who was in a relationship and I have again gravitated to someone else in the same position.I am a very attractive girl and I am funny and kind. He really seems to like me. But I don't want to get in the middle of a marriage. I am not sure how to stay away from him when we work together in the same office. I need my job.Could anyone offer some advice?
View related questions:
affair, co-worker, married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): It's OP. Thanks Been Through It. I am trying to remain strong. I am feeling especially low right now because I saw the ex yesterday and he was really abusive to me. So, that does not help. I guess I am reaching out again to this other man because I need the ego boost. The other day the MM tried to ignore me, then I ignored him. He wonders why. The whole back and forth game. I pull away, he chases. I try to get closer, he pulls away. Horrible really. Really hurtful.
I know the game so well. I am expert at playing it. But I have never been able to win it. I have to realize I won't win in this case either. He would have to decide he is serious about me and do something about his relationship. Because despite what others say here - if he leaves her for you, he will leave you for someone else - I believe that sometimes you just fall for someone else and nothing can stop it. And then you live happily ever after with that someone. It does happen.
But right now I have to take that fantasy out of my mind because I don't know if it will go that way. Man this SO SO hard!!!!!
A
male
reader, Been Through It +, writes (8 March 2013):
 Sorry to hear about your marriage. It's a shame it went down that road and I understand why that would have led you into the arms of another man. Not that it's the right thing to do, but we make decisions and not think of the consequences all the time. I certainly have been there myself. Sounds like you really went though a rough time with the last affair. It's terrible he gave you advice to leave. Even if he may have been right, that should be your decision to make. I went though a similar situation buy having an affair with a woman I ended up falling in love with. I agree with you about the heart wants what the heart wants. However I sometimes think if we both didn't follow the affair path our hearts would not have grown so strong. So we are to hopefully learn from our mistakes. If you can stay focused and not be sucked in by temptation, you can find your way out of this situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): Hi everyone. It's OP. Thank you for all your great advice. :)Been Through It, my husband was verbally abusive and took me for granted well before my affair. His lack of affection and attention as well as abusiveness was the reason I gravitated to another man in the first place and the reason this other man was able to take advantage of me - because of my vulnerability. I was looking for a knight in shining armour to rescue me and this guy knew it. He fed me all the lines...I care about you, I miss you...the whole nine yards and I ate it up because a big part of me needed to hear those things from a man. He encouraged me to leave my marriage and was there every step of the way until I actually left my marriage. He stayed with his girlfriend anyway. He liked the idea of having us both and would have happily continued with both of us hanging onto him. But I was tired of the pain. Tired of being destroyed. The final straw was his girlfriend posting on his FB page that they were engaged. He removed it but it was there long enough for me to see it and question him about it. He denied it and said it was a mistake. I heard it from another friend that he was planning on marrying her next year. That was it. I told him I am worth more and I walked away. I have been fine since and have finally been at peace with myself and I have been much happier until the feelings for this other man who is married started to develop.The married man is not a sleaze and neither am I. The feelings just suddenly crept up on us and hit us like a ton of bricks. We are both trying to do our best under the circumstances. We do understand this cannot go anywhere despite the feelings we have. This crazy chemistry has a mind of its own unfortunately which makes things so difficult. The feelings you have in your heart are so genuine and pure, there is no right or wrong, but you are forced to kill them off. I know the reality but still it is sad. I had to ignore him the other day and that was really hard for me. He was wondering why. I can see it was hurting him. I just don't know how it is going to play out. You have to go around ignoring your feelings. Not easy even though you know that's what you have to do.
...............................
A
male
reader, Been Through It +, writes (7 March 2013):
Thanks for opening up and sharing more about past in detail. Did your husband become more abusive to you by finding out your affair with the other man?After reading your story, it seems like you fall for married men, because there is something oddly safe about them. They have made the commitment, but the challenge to catch their eye is much easier then someone who is single. Your experience in attracting what is not available it what is most familiar to you right now. The only way to do this is to really force yourself to stay focused on what is right for you and your children. Like Tisha said "It's the (put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then the child.) Time to put yourself first." She is right and something to keep as a mantra when falling for that urge. You only have control of yourself and never expect others to do it for you. It's time for a change and it's up to you to make that happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Maybe it's harder to meet men your age who want to take on the baggage of a special-needs child, a single mother with self-esteem battered by a previous abusive relationship?
Maybe the older men see a vulnerable younger physically attractive woman who is emotionally battered and unable to set boundaries because she so desperately needs some affection? And they are savvy enough to set her up?
Sounds like it's time this woman gets some smarts and some help?
Don't worry, he's being judged too. But your last line is the 'poor me' lament continued.
So, stop sucking up to guys who are married and don't fall for their kind ministrations which hide a different agenda.
Set your own agenda. Set your boundaries, and stick to them.
Get outside, qualified help if you need it. If you are the primary caretaker of a special needs child then you need to make your own mental health and well-being a priority, as others rely on you for so much. It's the "put the oxygen mask on yourself first, THEN the child." Time to put yourself first.
I have a friend with not one, but 2 special needs children, one of whom had cancer on top of the autism… she also had her own medical issues. She's beautiful, young and amazing. Her asshole husband left after being abusive and is completely unreliable as far as being a help with the children.
She's so together it's amazing. It's because she has wonderful supportive friends and family.
It's time you get serious about getting the help you need. Concrete, real help from a good doctor or counselor, real help from your friends and family.
Go be an amazing woman. Off you go.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): This is the OP. Thank you all for your answers.I wish I knew why I gravitate towards unavailable men. I am a single mom with two children. One is disabled and in a wheelchair. My husband was abusive and I left him over a year ago. I have a bit of a hard life. I guess the attention these men give me makes me feel good, at least for the time being. My husband never told me I was beautiful or special. As much as I am secure in myself and know I am beautiful, a woman always likes to feel special and desired by men. These men are usually much older than me and really love the idea of a younger woman who likes them. Boosts their ego I guess. And I am a very attractive younger woman who has so much to offer. They do see this. And they may feel they are recapturing their youth with me? Maybe I fall for them because I suppose I have been a little lonely since my divorce. My relationship with one guy who had a girlfriend ended my marriage but he stayed with her anyway. This was the one I just got over and now I am in the same boat.I have learned from that mistake, believe me. This is why I am pulling away. I don't want to feel that pain again because I do know from experience it does not end well. It just feels so right with this guy. This undeniable pull. So unfortunate that he is married. Maybe another time and place.And even though nothing is going on, I do see the looks of other co-workers. I wonder if they can notice the attraction? Because they are already judging me in their own minds and have already convinced themselves their version of the truth is the truth itself.Any why is it that the woman gets judged anyway? Doubt he is.
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (6 March 2013):
 There is a psychological reason why you find yourself attracted to unavailable men. You need to talk to a therapist to get to the bottom of this.
Regarding your current situation, if both of you go ahead with your urges it will not end well...guaranteed. Not only will it jeopardize your career (I've seen this happen many times in many different places I've worked at), but it will also jeopardize your friendships (people will lose respect for you), your reputation at work will be sullied (if you get caught), and you will be responsible for a marriage and family going up in flames. Karma will not be kind to you in that regard. What goes around comes around. So think carefully before you act on these impulses.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2013):
"How do I handle this? I just got over a man who was in a relationship and I have again gravitated to someone else in the same position." So you are repeating your choices, and seem to lack any desire to find out why you are repeating self-destructive behaviors.
You are engineering your own distress and once you come to grips with that, you'll be able to stop.
Right now, some part of you likes the self-inflicted drama and pain. It may feel easier to just succumb to the crush and all the gooey drama that ensues from that, but you know that it only leads to crap. So, why is it that you want crap? Why do you invite drama into your life? Why do you set yourself up for failure?
Answer those questions and you'll be able to resist the irresistible cheater.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 March 2013):
 you said you just got over a man who was in a relationship. so learn from your past mistakes. what good are making mistakes in life accept to learn from them? no sense in making the same mistakes over and over again, ya know?
the solution i would most highly suggest may be the one you don't want to hear and may not listen to. but it IS the most practical, logical, and reasonable. and i'm sure you probably already know it, but just aren't acting on it yet: delete him from facebook and stop interacting with him all together. you may work with him and it may throw you off for a bit, but eventually you'll move on and forget about him. it won't take that long. he can only capture your attention so long as you allow him to.
stop worrying about what a married guy thinks or does. stop trying to get his attention and play these games. who cares? what good is gonna come from it anyway, even if you DO get his attention? you'll just wind up being girl #2 and it'll make your life hell and dramatic. who needs all of that?
seems to me you've got this tendency to be attracted to unavailable men. i think you should take some time and dig deep in yourself and figure out why you can't just be happy with a guy who wants to be with you and love you, opposed to a guy who you'll never really have.
i wish you the best in whatever you do!
...............................
A
male
reader, Been Through It +, writes (6 March 2013):
Obviously there is part of you that likes the attention you are getting from him even if he is unavailable. Being attracted to someone you work with (especially someone who is married) is very tough. Once you cross that line it becomes extremely complicated and then one of you will end up leaving the company. He is mostly likely one of the many millions of men sexually frustrated with his marriage and the wink of your eye is triggering a fantasy for him. He is flirting with being bad and wondering if he can get away with it. He most likely feels that he can deal with it if you are cool with his situation and if he gets one time with you that would be incredible. It probably would, unless the sex is terrible.. But, for most men it is good if it is something new and that one time will bring you two closer and will become a second, third, forth and before you know it you are carrying on a office affair for way to long. He easily can become more controlling as you will want you be your single self and do what you want. He's hands will feel tied tight because he is married and can't be the man he really wants to be with you. Then you argue more int he office, E-mails, Texts, and create a vibe in the office that everyone will know and figure out. Sex is more powerful then you think. How do I know this. I have done it and (at the time) both felt we could deal with it, but it only got really complicated. So what can you do to prevent this from happening? Well you are going to have to be the bigger person in this situation. Believe me you will be doing him and yourself a favor by shedding the interest you are showing him. If you look at what you wrote about him is enough to see how the affair will play out. Hot and cold. Do you really want that or would you like to enjoy someone who can really enjoy you. When his back is up against the wall it will get very ugly between you two. Even if he says, I wont fall for you, I would not believe him. So how do you do this. Well you have a couple of options..Option #1 You can do what these other people are saying and start cutting him off. However that may be easily said then done. You already have the attraction for him and are you not going to be "You" at the office? Probably not because you like the attention you are getting from him. Also he will wonder what is going on cause some strange tension that you both are going to want to discuss. That tension could also lead to some office part drunk and finding your way to a private place to get it on. So we have another optionOption #2 If you have a moment with him, (and not drunk at the office holiday party) be forward and tell him what how you feel about this situation, AND what you both should do before you cross the line. He may actually feel more comfortable about this built up chemistry and respect that you don't feel this flirtation is appropriate for you both to work around. So it it better we back off completely from one another and let our private lives be more private. Then you can cut de-friend him on FB if you feel he would be stalking you. OR just make him restricted so he wont see anything you post unless it is public. This way his wife (who mostly likely checks his new friends out) wont wonder why you two are not friends anymore. Ultimately all of what you guys have between you feels innocent, but it's not and will eventually end with hurt for everyone. As well as your jobs could be on the line for these actions.Do yourself a favor, make yourself more available outside of the office to someone who can really enjoy you and you enjoy them. There is nothing better then that. And if you fuck him.. well we warned you.Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): I agree with what Serpico (6 March 2013) and iAmHereToHelp (6 March 2013) wrote.
You need to cease all contact with this married man and keep it "strictly" professional.
You don't want to break up a marriage or a family.
Then you need to find yourself a single man and start dating him.
Stay away from married men. It's a mess and you will end up getting used. You don't want to be the fodder of office gossip. You could very well end up losing your job if you had an affair with a married man in the same workplace. Again, stay away from married men. The end results are never go good.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 March 2013):
How do you stay away? Hmmm, lets see -
1) You dont call him
2) You dont take calls from him
3) You dont text or email him
4) You dont take texts or emails from him
5) You dont contact him on social media
6) You dont take contacts from him on social media
7) You dont meet with him when he is not with his wife.
Yep, I think that should cover it.
...............................
|
