A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles.I seem to have an issue with letting myself like men. Every time I have ever let myself feel something I end up getting hurt, and its gotten to the point where my defences are so far up that I think I may come across as uncaring or at times, intimidating.Recently there have been guys that are interested but I just dont know how to act around them; I don't know whether to express feelings, play hard to get, keep my defences up... I'm just confused.Can anyone give me some advice?Thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): See, I am in the same boat as you. After my ex and I broke up last summer I have been so jaded. And scared. I am afraid that I will meet someone like him who will hurt me like he did. And in a way that is a good thing, believe it or not. Because it makes you more alert to the red flags you need to watch out for when meeting men. But in a way it sucks because I have this wall up for fear of getting hurt. With that said I am very social around men. But I have trouble allowing myself to love and be loved once a guy has declared interest. So our relationships remain casual. One thing that is important is that you have to be HONEST with men. And that is something I always do. No, you should not play any games or act any way other than who you are. But be open with them. Let them know you have been hurt. It is okay to talk about your vulnerabilites regarding relationships. I mean, as long as you have OTHER things to offer too! Such as a good sense of humor and good company, of course. In fact, a lot of men find that attractive. All the guys I have befriended or am in contact with know about my ex and about my mental state in regards to dating and relationships. That creates a foundation to build on. And then they feel more comfortable opening up to you too. And guys like helping a girl, being like a savior. They thrive off of that stuff. Why do you think they open the door for you, or give you their jacket when you are cold? When you meet a guy you like, don't play games. Be a friend. Talk to him. Show him you trust him. Share some of your inner feelings with him. Talk to him like you are not afraid to be open and honest. Let him into your world, the REAL one, not the one where you play hard to get. Show him the real you. That is the girl he wants to get to know. Unless he is a total creep, no guy is going to hold your vulnerabilities against you.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (31 January 2014):
 It's normal to be on the defense after a bad break up/heart break. When my ex and I broke up a few years back (I was cheated on on multiple occasions), I was a mess for a long time. I put up many, many walls and kind of went on a dating/ sex rampage. I didn't want to love anyone ever again if invest any feelings. I didn't think I was capable. That all fades with time.
Give yourself a couple of years. you'll feel a whole lot better and have it out if your system. It's normal to feel how you're feeling. Trust that it's not permanent.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): It is easy to get confused over emotions and doubt your alone there!
I expect by trying to protect yourself you have become so muddled its like a vicious circle. Step back, take a deep breath and let the past stay exactly that, the past. Be more discerning about what appeals to you in a potential partner, after all it's not supposed to be all about them, and is supposed to be enjoyable and fun getting to know someone.
Be honest with yourself and the people in your life, and be yourself.
It won't happen over night, but little by little, you will start to feel more relaxed and confident and realise there is no need to be anyone but yourself and you can drop the guard down a little & let good people into your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): First off, you don't start dating while you're still hurting. That means you live on relationships like a parasite.
You're committing too soon, and the new guy is getting the last guy's emotionally damaged ex-girlfriend. Your defense's are up; because you're a little immature, and don't learn why your relationships are failing.
You need time to rebuild your strength. What's the big hurry?
If your last failed relationship is still fresh on your mind, it's no wonder your defenses are still up.
You also have to learn how to not be in-love with being in relationships. Moving seamlessly from one guy to the next relationship. Latching on to a guy, just because he gives you attention. You just like the idea of having a boyfriend.
All the while, you haven't done a thing about your own personality to be sure you are offering the best you can be.
Expecting him to make up for all the wrongs of the last guy. What about you? Do you have your emotional and mental ducks in a row? Are you clingy and insecure? Demanding and temperamental? Is he expected to just take you as you are, whatever that is?
You don't just commit and form a relationship; because you instantly take a liking to a guy. That's what I mean being in-love with being in relationships. Serial-dating on a desperate mission to find a guy to attach yourself to.
Keep your bad attitude to yourself. Nobody owes you anything and it's nobody's fault you don't really know how to pick them. Own some responsibility. It's not always the guy's fault.
You might have avoided some of that pain at the onset; had you looked for the deal-breakers and red-flags ahead of
putting your feelings in too deep. Stop going for the same kind of guys.
You can avoid a lot of your pain; if you go in with your eyes open. Instead of with your shields up.
We all get hurt, my dear. We wait, and heal. Get over the last person who hurt us. Completely!
Treat each new person we meet like a blank slate. Judge him for who he is, not what your last guy was like.
Get your act together BEFORE DATING AGAIN! No one deserves you when you're damaged. Still messed up by the last guy you were with. You're dating too soon, and not doing a darn thing to improve yourself. Give yourself time off.
If your defenses are up, exactly what do you expect a nice guy to see in you?
He'll see a defensive insecure irritating man-hating female. Every move he makes is suspect; because some guy hurt you before, and you're out blaming other guys for it.
Just hangout, make some friends, allow yourself all the time needed to heal over your bad past experiences.
Your problem is, you're dragging your baggage from the past everywhere you go. Nobody likes that about you.
Try looking inward to see what needs to heal. Then fix it. Then you'll be well enough to start dating again.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 January 2014):
 If you're getting hurt *every* time you let yourself feel something as you say, then you need to re-evaluate what sort of guy you're attracted to. If you're one of those who are drawn to bad boys or problem cases or "fix-er-uppers", then of course you'll get hurt.
That's why often women who have been abused by past guys in relationships tend to find new boyfriends who end up following that same pattern of abuse. Many guys on here who start dating a girl who was abused in the past find that no matter how well they treat that girl, she either crawls back to the abusive ex or she leaves him to find another abusive guy.
If your attraction is self-destructive, then you're going to get hurt. Other than that, you should know that guys who like to prey on women to use them look for people just like you. Those who are withdrawn and emotionally damaged. So you need to react in a healthy way if you're having some personal issues. Therapy, talking to a trusted adult, and focusing on self-improvement are healthy ways to heal.
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