A
male
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*elboy1681
writes:Hi, I'm 31 years old and I'm in the process of getting help because I think I'm bipolar, I feel as though everything is spiraling out of control. I have started to see a counselor once a week because of anger issue due to my depression, but I had a massive episode last Monday and both our children had to witness it. the youngest who is 2 and very sensitive, the oldest is almost 4 and autistic but my fiance who I love so much got the full force of it. I'm not proud of what is wrong with me or what I have done I keep tearing myself up over what has happened, in fact about 80% of the time I hate myself and what is wrong with me, how it makes me feel. I hate going out alone when I'm down because I feel that everyone is looking at me because they know what is wrong with me and what I have done, then this voice in my head keeps putting me down and this seems to make my depressive state get worse I feel just leaving my room and going downstairs is such a massive effort at times I want to laugh at things but I quickly stop because I think wait a minute you shouldn't be laughing,I get little or no enjoyment out of anything I do these days because of how I'm feeling and I hate myself.Brief back story her my fiancé and her father were not getting on when I met her, she was having personal problems and to cut a long story short he hates me because she got on better with my mum and dad and I got blamed for all these problems that he could see she had.Back to the anger episode that occurred, last week, my fiancé sent me a text asking me to call her at 6:54am then as i was about to call her she called me i spoke to her she asked me to come over I did we talked went to speech therapy with our oldest son then took the 2 boys out. Back at the house I felt myself getting agitated, I asked to leave and she said that the kids would get upset I went into the bedroom got some books of mine and a body warmer spoke to her she grabbed our youngest son as if I was going to hit her then went into the lounge. I went off on a rage but I never laid one finger on her, I gave her the phone and told her if she was that scared call the police. Then I left and in the process I broke the kids safety gate. Then I called my mum and my fiancé was on the other line to my mum I let my mum go called her back then I called my fiancé we spoke it was still quit heated then the next thing I was arrested and locked up, then later that night I was charged with domestic breach of the peace and then I was becoming very manic because I was becoming very guilty and really self critical off myself. The next day I was taken to court and given a 6 month good behaviour bond. I love my partner very very much and I don't want to lose her so I sent her a text message and she never responded to it. then the next day I called her, I had wrote what I wanted to say to her down because I new that I would get tongue tied if I didn't and there was no malice, hate or bitterness in the phone call all I wanted was to find out how the kids were and how she was, to apologize for what had happened and to tell her that I love her and wanted to start again because I need her so badly and I feel incomplete without her. its as if I have no soul or that my insides have been ripped out and without her I have no life and yes I know what you are going to say, but you have been apart for a year but I would go to see her religiously every week and at times stay over even though I was frightened to and would panic. But I love her so much and I can't believe that I have found someone so kind, caring, so beautiful as she, I want to spend the rest of my life with her, this may sound morbid but when I'm old and dying I want her face to be the last thing I see. I love her that much. So long story short how do I sort things out with her I don't want to bombard her with phone calls, text messages, e-mails or letters because I don't want to be seen as harassing her. It's just I'm starting to try and make sense of what happened maybe she called the police because she was scared, but what if it was contrived, thought out she new what buttons to press to make me angry it's just since it happened I have had all these thoughts floating around my head thinking has her father had anything to do with this because he is back on the scene, I just don't know anymore but in my heart I believe that she was scared for me because then she called my mum my mum told me that she was worried about me because she didn't know where i'd gone, because in the past I have had episodes like that which I think were worse and she never called the police.I love her so much and I'm disgusted by my actions but I need help and advice.Thank you
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