A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My brother physically abused me for the majority of my childhood and into my teens, and my mother blamed me for it and didn't make any effort to try and help me. It's had some long term effects into adulthood. (Abandonment issues, identity issues, self harm, left at 19, learned to become an adult mostly by myself, depression etc). I'm 28 now and working through these issues at a healthy pace with a CBD and life coach therapist (although I have never told her about my past with my family).These days my brother and I still don't like each other, but she constantly wants to play happy families and tries to force a relationship onto me with him, and pretend the past never happened. Whenever she texts or calls, she tells me what my brother is doing as if I've asked - almost feels like she is trying to just absorb my thoughts with him so I get used to it?Recently she arranged a family meet up, and despite me telling her that I am not interested in meeting him alone on numerous occasions (she keeps trying to get me to visit him) she still tried to trick me into meeting him by myself at a coffee shop. When I got married in Asia I was gone for 3 weeks, my mum repeatedly called me crying while I was gone because my brother had broken up with his ex and wouldn't tell her why. She spent the next few months worrying what his exes family might think of her son and wouldn't shut up about it.She was desperate for my husband to meet my brother and his new girlfriend, and was focusing on what they wanted rather than us (me and my husband).My sister moved to Scotland and I was planning on going to visit her with my family, but now my mother has told me that if I come I will be meeting my brother's girlfriends family, something that she wants to arrange and I couldn't be less interested in doing.More recently my husband is going back to Asia to see his family, and my mum wants to write to my mother in law who she has never met (who I love dearly). This is fine as she's written to her before, but when I asked what she would write about in the letter, she said that she would tell my mother in law what my brother's been up to.Like... just what? Why does she think that my mother in law is remotely interested in hearing about a man that isn't her son, that she's never met? My brother and I don't even like each other.I know why my mother might be doing this, she used to be a huge control freak and her own sister left their family, so I suspect she has some happy families complex. But I feel let down and angry that my needs and the impact that my brother had on my life has never been acknowledged or considered, and when it was I was blamed or told that I would be put into the foster care system. I don't even know if I can tell my husband about this, because I feel bad for unloading my complicated feelings onto him. He tells me to dump my mother, but I can't without losing the rest of my family, and I don't want to dump my family. I'm happy in LC with them (we're just not a super social bunch). My mum is also super sensitive and easily holds a grudge, so I prefer to avoid topics rather than be direct as she gets defensive and yells at me. I'm aware that I should not be putting my happiness before hers, but I just also can't be bothered with her crying about something then blaming me. I just want an easy life but whenever I see her, I get stressed.The honest truth is that I thought lowering my expectations of my mother would make things better, because I started to compare her to my mother in law which made me depressed, and it worked but! When I talk to her on the phone, this doesn't work and I feel like a forgotten child again.Now I'm all demotivated and feeling like garbage, already regretting a trip to see my sister that hasn't happened yet.If anyone can offer advice or share experiences of how they set boundaries with their parents without causing a war, I would be really grateful to hear it.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 September 2021):
 Accept that there might be war, and accept that you can not, and are not, responsible for other peoples actions. If your mother decides to start a war, then that is on her. You have every right to set boundaries. Tell her flat out that your brother abused you, and therefore you will not meet with him, speak to him, and do not wish to hear about him. If she brings him up in conversation again, you will hang up the phone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2021): Some people are very naive about such things - especially if they had a good childhood. They don't understand that some parents are cold, hard, uncaring, self serving and wanting family to get together because it suits them rather than those involved. My mother was forever pushing me towards my brother even though she knew he had done a lot of vicious and nasty things towards me for years. The way she saw it was that as he is family you just forgive and forget! A ridiculous ask. You have been unlucky with your family but you do have the right to avoid people you do not like or trust. People who had a good family life will never get it, they will always wonder if you are the problem, if you are imagining things, making it up, a drama queen, not forgiving enough and so on. As for saying you could get him arrested years later, let me tell you this. Even if you had tried to do that when it happened you would be finding it hard because you need proof. Real proof. Not just he did this and he did that. It is hard enough to get proof at the time without saying you can years later. You see - when a brother sexually molests his sister it tends to be in secret, in private, just the two of them. He is rarely dumb enough to invite an audience to come over and take photos while he does it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2021): I had a similar situation with my mother - she was emotionally abusive and so was my sister. But she never heard, never cared, always insisted it had never happened, always waived it aside as if I was the one out of order for mentioning it - as if I had made it all up just to cause problems and should just sweep it under the carpet to make life easier and nicer for them. The thing is that you set boundaries. I did this as soon as I could leave home and be an adult. My mother continued to try to abuse me expecting me to keep taking time off of work to be there to do her housework, shopping, babysit my sister's baby and all sorts. As if I was the person in the family who was just there to make everyone else's life easier. It never occurred to her and she would not accept that I had to earn a living and could not ignore work and bringing in money to be at their beck and call every day instead. So you stop saying it. You stop explaining it. You just say NO. Every time she tries to manoeuvre you to do something that does not suit you you say no, you don't say it is because of because that allows them to waive it aside and say you are wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2021): I have a feeling that maybe you're not being forthcoming and direct with your mother. From your post, it seems you and she dance around each-other; but you don't flat-out tell her that you don't want to be close to, or anywhere around your "abusive-brother."
Have you told your parents what he did to you, how he has abused you? Why aren't they as concerned about you, as they are about him? It's not just because he's a boy and you're a girl. That's usually how it's explained. I think you both have your issues. You clash when you're put in the same space. If your brother has driven you to such serious emotional and psychological-injury, why is your mother totally oblivious to the fact? Is she suffering from mental-health issues as well? I truly believe all you've said, but there's just so much missing here.
Parents, especially mothers, try to make their children get along. There is a point in adult-life that you should outgrow or bury childhood grudges. Maybe it isn't possible to fully disclose all he did to you, what he did to you, or how serious the abuse was. If you've never told your mother when he hurt you, or how; she'll just assume you're just being kids. Why would it be totally okay that he tormented you? Why wasn't he ever punished, or legally charged if you were so seriously abused? Signs of physical and emotional abuse are often recognized by pediatricians and school psychologists. No other family-members, no teachers, grandparents, or neighbors realized you were being seriously abused? You kept it entirely hidden? He could still be seriously charged, if you were sexually-molested! Everyone would be forced to respect your reasoning to avoid him; if they fully understood what you've gone through.
There are instances where siblings just hate each-other. Excessive teasing or bullying can be perceived as full-fledged "abuse" to the younger or more timid one of the two children. He doesn't get to tell his side, and there isn't much to go-on; but the fact is abundantly clear. You don't like him! Then you have to account for jealously, and sibling-rivalry. There is only one-side to this story; and not even a criminal is charged and convicted without a trial.
Then just make it your business to continuously avoid him; and make it abundantly clear to your mother that you insist that she stop pushing him on you. If he's forced to be in the same room, then tolerate his existence. You happen to share the same family and parents. He can't be removed from the earth, simply because you can't stand him. If no-one knows why, they will never understand how you feel. Making demands with no explanation makes no sense. You're trying to tell us he got away with torturing and tormenting you; and it was completely okay with your parents. He is the reason for all your emotional afflictions? Other than what he did to you, you had no other psychological, behavioral, or mental-health problems in your childhood?
Can't you see where that's a bit difficult to fathom? You're trying to say your mother doesn't care how emotionally damaged you are, because of your brother. Maybe that's because she doesn't know? Maybe you should refresh her memory! I think your should also fill-in your therapist on some of those childhood-issues; so she can make a few necessary adjustments in your counseling sessions. She's the last person you should be hiding any secrets from!
If all the family will turn on you for trying to settle issues with your mother; then you'd have to wonder. What have they witnessed or know about you and your behavior, that they wouldn't understand or empathize with how you feel?
One-sided stories don't reveal all the details; and everyone doesn't get the benefit of the doubt they all deserve. You didn't even tell your counselor what he did to you. Was it sexual-abuse, bullying, did he physically beat you? I get very suspicious when clarifying details are left-out; when people make serious allegations against other people. Most people will specify molestation or physical-abuse; and they usually get trauma-therapy, because they can't recover or function in life without it.
Perhaps not all your mental-health issues are attributed to your brother's treatment. He may have been traumatizing you; while you're undergoing other problems you never revealed to anyone. He may not even have known any better. Mothers know their children; and she also deserves some benefit of the doubt, considering she doesn't get to explain why she continues to try and mediate a reconciliation between brother and sister. That's not exactly an evil thing to do. If he sexually-molested you, I think knowing that would change her entire perspective on the dissention between you and your brother. Siblings squabble and fight; but they don't always grow-up with lifelong grudges or psychological-scars. There's far more to this than your side of it.
Straight-out tell your mother you refuse to reconcile with your brother. If she continues to try and force you together; she will also be forcing you out her life. You are asking her to respect your boundaries; or she will see much less of you. If none of the family cares or understands any of your issues; it's either because they're not entirely as you've described them, or you might be better off if you loved them all from a distance. Your sister is his sister too; and your mother is also the same mother. It's a mystery why he focused all his abuse on you, and nobody else? Even more of a mystery why no-one cared?
When people hate each-other, and can't find it within themselves to forgive; you don't always know how much of the emotional-damage comes from the abuse, or the fact they don't know how to forgive long after what hurt them is over.
The point of treatment is to make a breakthrough. The breakthrough is to survive in spite of the harm done to you, and coming to terms with it. If he belongs in jail for what he did to you; then I guess that's where he belongs. How has hating and avoiding him helped? How can you ask your mother not to love him, just because you don't? He should pay for what he did, if it was so serious he's not due forgiveness. He's your brother for life. You can't ask your mother not to be a mother, and try to make peace between her children. It's up to you to stay away from him, if she won't honor your wishes.
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