A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A cousin of mine asked me to be a godmother to her twins, when she was still pregnant. I would have politely refused, but she was in the hospital and under a lot of stress (and meds), because she almost lost her babies.I made a mistake, but I have chosen the lesser evil, not wanting to stress her, when I said yes, even though I was fully aware that my opinion will never be changed.This is what she always does. She tries to put you in a position where you can't refuse. Had she asked me when she got pregnant I would have said no. I've been wanting to redefine our relationship for ages now, because it's out of balance. In a nutshell: She's a narcissist. So, taking responsibility for my half, I need to to say no, even though there's a lot of pressure in the family and even though some will think of me less for refusing. Her offering this to me is a way for her to cement our relationship the way she would like it to be. She could use "oh but your're my children's godmother" for variety of things she would like me to do. Her mother, my aunt, was always protecting her and pressuring me to do things for her. It got worse when my mom died, twenty years ago. Even when we were in our thirties, whenever I would say "no" to my cousin, her mom would intervene. She would take the passive-aggressive stance "oh my poor daughter she is so...". My problem was that this relationship was ALWAYS like this, ever since we were kids, so I didn't know any different. I married and moved to Italy. We don't have much, but to my cousin, it sounds exotic. She loves having her "cousin who lives in Rome and has a summer house on the beach". This is how she talks about me to her friends. OK we do live in Rome (but so do almost 3 million people) and my husband's family is from the coast, but we (my hubby and I) don't have "a house on the beach", his parents do, because they LIVE there. It's not their vacation home. Over the years, due to my own weakness - which I am changing now - I couldn't refuse my cousin whenever she wanted to visit us. (ok, I tried a few times, but her mom would intervene... I should have been firm then, but...). The problem is that she is selfish and she never takes responsibility for anything. She never refuses or argues with whatever you tell her, she just ignores what you said and then later says that she didn't understand when you told her... or whatever. She never respected the dates of her stay - she would fly in earlier and stay longer. She would treat us as if we were a hotel (even though I have repeatedly asked her to clean after herself). When we were kids, her mom would put some of her parenting obligations on me (we're the same age my cousin and I). We went to the same school and lived near by, so I have no idea why, I was supposed to pick her up every morning (she would still be in bed!) and pack her bag or later help her with her homework. I don't know why mom put up with that. It's her sister, ok, but it just wasn't normal, I realized that long time ago. My mom had an ok relationship with her sister otherwise, it's just when it came to my cousin that my aunt lost her senses. I'm not the only one whom she treats this way, but there are some people (usually the ones she admire), whom she treats with respect. Now I am ready to be either treated with respect or not have a relationship with her at all, even if it means that I will have sole issues with some of my family members. I plan on telling them that this is between her and me. Over the years, I tried talking to her, but she would always avoid it. It's never a good time. (btw, with twins and no husband it will NEVER be a good time). Right now, she cannot talk because her babies are in the hospital (btw, they are doing great, they have been kept for observation). So, when they come home, I plan to address this "godmother issue" and tell her that I cannot accept it, because this is too big of an obligation and I live on another continent. I know I made a mistake, but I hope I can make better choices from now on.Does anybody have a similar experience with family or friends?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2021): Hi
I would be honest with her and refuse to be the twins Godmother, this is not a role to be taken lightly and promised in front of God and not mean it.
It should be an honour to ask somebody to be a Godmother especially of two children, and should have no ulterior motives other than guardianship if the worst happens.
Also it should be an honour to accept in front of God the responsibility and promise of guardianship of children.
Refuse because it is all on BOTH sides False, nobody should lie about something so special, if your not up for the job have the gumption to be honest and she should be thinking of her children and choose a more suitable Godparent.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2021): Thank you so much Honeyie and Anonymoous for your answers.
This problem has been weighing on me my whole life.
I wish I had the strength to cut through it sooner.
Some parts of what you describe, Anonymous, I could have copied and pasted it. And the fact that it's my cousin and it was your friend doesn't change much, because I get the pressure you were under from other friends.
Honeypie, she ALWAYS guilts people into doing things for her. Always. She never just asks an open question ready for any answer. She always "states her case" meaning why you can't say no. And even if you say you'll have to think about it, she then claims that you "promised".
One thing's for sure when I stop enabling her she will badmouth me and find others to pick up my "job" - taking care of her.
THANK YOU!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2021): I had a 'friend' like the cousin you describe. For 22 years she didn't leave me alone, calling me every night, wanting to see me all the time and boy, could she make you feel guilty if you didn't do as she wanted. It was easier to do it than feel the guilt. She would start looking pitiful and saying that she hadn't done her college work and that it had to be in, in the morning. Muggins here, who had a full time job and was knackered, ended up staying up most of the night a few times to help her. She threw a tantrum if I got a boyfriend, or if she got drunk and everyone would leave her for me to sort out. She had her good points too obviously, but at the age of 34 when she was throwing another tantrum and I had to leave the new year's day party I was at with my friends, to take her home, (she was standing outside in the snow) I finally decided enough was enough and when I dropped her off at home, knew I would never see her again. When she called the next day to apologise as she always did, I told her I wanted nothing more to do with her. She tried everything to make me change my mind, but I had reached the end of my tether. I felt guilty for about three days and had phone calls from other friends asking me not to abandon her, (they didn't want to be saddled with her in my absence) and then I never thought about her again. I finally had my life back. She had been a blight on it from the age of about 13.
I met her some years later and I thought it would be nice to have a coffee and a catch-up. I saw other friends maybe once every few months, due to working hard and thought it would be nice if I could do the same with her. When she took down my phone number as fast as lightening, I started to worry and sure enough she rang me four times in one afternoon, even though I'd told her I was going to be away that weekend and I would call her when I got back. I realised my mistake and left her a message saying I didn't want to meet.
I met her again years later at a pub I was at with my family and she told me she understood why I'd done what I did and then proceeded to try to get in contact again! Thankfully any guilt about her had left me years ago and I had no trouble ignoring her efforts.
People like her and like your cousin are very good at using and manipulating others. People like us feel bad if we're not 'nice' people. The thing is, people like my friend and your cousin manage very well if you leave them to it. They easily find others to do their dirty work and you'll wonder why you've spent so much of your life under their thumb. It's difficult to change behaviour with them, when you've done as they have wanted you to do for many years, but does it feel good when you finally stand up for yourself and live your life the way YOU want to live it. You are entitled to after all.
I pray that you find the strength to tell this cousin of yours (and her mother) that you will not be the godmother after all. You don't even need to explain. Let them get their knickers in a twist if they want. What are they going to do? It feels great when you get out from underneath someone's influence and you realise that actually they are unable to make you do anything, that you have actually been enabling their behaviour all this time and there's no need for you to do it anymore. She will avoid the 'talk' because she won't be able to defend her behaviour and she knows she's behaving badly. She's just using you. At least living in a different country means you have distance and if she wants to come to stay when covid allows, you can make some excuse about not having visitors this year and wean her off you. Try not to feel guilty about her. You were not put on this earth to do her bidding. And she KNOWS that. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 April 2021):
 You mention that you grew up being her "caretaker" in a sense and you always wondered why, maybe your mom and her sister had a similar dynamic so it continued with their daughters without it being obvious.
How do you say no? I think you NEED to let her know that you feel it's an obligation you are not comfortable with that you don't feel you can do the "job" (being a godmother) over the distance.
She will PROBABLY try and guilt you and you NEED to stand your ground.
It's OK to have thought it over and decide this is NOT what I want. REMEMBER that.
They can't MAKE you do things you don't want to do. They can TRY but ultimately it is UP to you. REMEMBER that.
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