A
female
age
30-35,
*yerbase
writes:Dear Cupid,I'm writing because I want to save my relationship with my mom. I am 22 years old and our relationship has been steadily deteriorating for years.I know that it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't necessarily respect her, and that's because I don't respect a lot of her decisions, (relationships, money..) However, I have a lot of respect for her in other areas. She has been a single mom with two daughters and has had close to no help making it all these years. She is very strong and she used to be my hero. It kills me that I don't say she still is. I desperately want her to be.My mom is very sensitive and she holds onto things forever. Its almost like I'm facing every single thing I've ever done each time I come to a disagreement with her. Also, she's got a very short fuse and high blood pressure. Mix all those together and you have a relationship where I'm constantly walking on egg shells. Then if I offend her, which is pretty easy to do, she loses it and goes off on me. She says very mean and hurtful things when she's upset and because she has "hypertension" she screams at the top of her lungs and becomes a completely different person-- one that I quickly resent. Then she says that I caused her to be that way, and even that I am "trying to send her to her grave" because I know about her high blood pressure and continue to upset her. I am emotionally drained from our volatile relationship. I know that a lot of it has to do with her aging and she is very fearful of growing old. She has had a rough childhood and her father was absent and before he was absent he was abusive, not supportive, and overall a very poor father figure. She's been in a series of bad relationships and she has very low self-esteem. Having kids at a young age she was forced to "grow up" a lot faster than she may have been ready for and I know she had to sacrifice a lot. She didn't go to school, and I know that makes her very insecure. She never made a lot of money and this led to insecurity also. Now, she's in a marriage where my stepfather openly demeans and degrades her. He has called her and myself hurtful names and talks down to my mom all the time. Yet, she stays with him and respects him because of his knowledge and success. I think it has a lot to do with her poor relationship with her father too, she might not feel deserving of a good man in her life. This makes me resent her more because I feel she doesn't respect herself. I hate to see her hurting, but this cycle makes me respect her less and less and its showing more.At the end of the day, my relationship with my mom is really important to me because I do love her a lot and I appreciate everything she has done and continues to do for me and other people. She is very giving. I just think that she can be very hard to get along with and she causes a lot of fights she doesn't mean to. She pushes people away and as she gets older she makes comments that she doesn't need anyone and we don't care if she dies and nobody loves her or appreciates her and it kills me.I'm looking for some way to get over my issues with her so that I can have the close relationship a mother and daughter should have. I know that I can't change her so I need to change myself and how we interact. My biggest fear is that I am like her in a lot of ways I dislike and that is what's beginning to drive a wedge between us. I don't want to be overly sensitive and end up putting up a wall between us, and I do this now. I don't want to be so quick-tempered with her I snap and cause fights for no reason, which I notice about myself now also. And I don't want to develop high stress and hypertension either. If I can help myself , maybe I can help her also.But the clock is ticking because the more I resent her the more it shows, and the more we fight she feels that I am being disrespectful and ungrateful for no reason. She doesn't know why I've been slowly growing away from her. I can see she is closer to being done with me completely, and I really don't want that.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 August 2011):
 Your Mom is hurting really bad right now. That does not excuse her actions in trying to lay guilt on you and blaming you. But she knows her current relationship is limping along. She is broken hearted and possibly depressed.
Try not to obviously analyse and judge her. And especially try not to react. Your Mom sounds like she is seriously over-loaded with stress. Stress can put way too much strain on a person.
To make it even worse you are stressed too. So for you I will recommend that you get some counselling as soon as possible to deal with the pain - but keep that to yourself or it might stress Mom even more.
Your Mom's self esteem would take a daily battering from her guy who undermines her. That is her relationship though and you cannot fix that - she needs the confidence to tackle that herself.
If her own confidence in her could be improved then a lot of others things could be addressed.
Mom also sounds so depressed that a full check up at the Doctor sounds like it is needed. But you cannot make that happen. Mom has to be gentlely coaxed and right now she needs first to be calmed and made to feel not quite as over-whelmed.
High Blood pressure is treatable and only becomes a big issue if someone is not taking their medication and is letting their lifestyle slip. Such as by too much extra weight being piled on or through smoking cigarettes to excess. Neither help when HBP is present.
While Mom is so stressed it may be difficult to get her to see the Big Picture.
Your Mom may also suffer from poor parenting Models she experienced in her past. So she brought you up "flying blind." That would not have been easy. And often in such situations a Mom gives too much and puts herself last.
It does sounds as if Mom is also "Giving too much". This is a big mistake. Mom thinks it is the only way. But it not the right way. She bangs her head against a brick wall and wondering why all her giving is not working. And she is wasting her time doing so and it is not working.
Mom needs to start valuing and loving herself more and do more things for herself. She has been running around trying to make everyone happy and now she's feeling like it's all been for nought.
Tell you Mom the things you love about her. She is not going to believe you are first. Hold off on the criticism. Mom thinks she deserves all this negativity, when she does not. She is not expecting praise. She is expecting people to tell her what she is doing wrong.
Mom needs to try a different approach but for so long she has been in charge, She has called the shots. She is the one who has been the responsible one. Trying to pay the bills, trying to keep order. Feeling less than Mom's who can easily buy the things their kids needs
Your Mom thinks she's failed you so she goes into attack mode first. It is a indicator that your Mom is hurting.
And Mom does not want to get rid of her unsatisfactory partner as she is afraid of being lonely. afraid of having to try to survive alone. So she accepts second best. It is time she asked for what she wants. And just accepts who she is. Loves who she is. And is accepted for who she is. and is Loved for who she is. Mom is never going to be perfect. Who is?
Mom is out of line though to blame you for all her woes.
So it OK to gently try to encourage her. Leave an article somewhere where she might see it on Depression. Or if you know a film that might say more then put it on and talk about it later. Recently I got a very cheap DVD with Angela Lansbury as a Mom "The Shell Seekers". The novel was much tougher, the DVD lighter but it is still brought home some of the problems of a single Mom as she reaches her later years. Your Mom is much younger, but maybe there are times when she does feel unloved and is worried about the future?
Your Mom may have picked up some poor parenting styles in the past. But her own attitude is not going to help break the cycle. A little more optimism from Mom might go a long way to breaking this cycle. If you can, encourage that by your own attitude to Mom. It is not going to be easy for you, when Mom is so negative.
But when you want to change another person then the easiest way is to Change your own responses to them.
It forces them to re-think their own responses.
Keep doing things the same way and they will keep on responding the same way.
Mom is getting older. She may be worrying about how is she going to cope if her marriage deteriorates or her health worsens.
If you can, invite Mom over for a meal that is full of healthy salads and a fresh fruit salad. I am going to guess that maybe Mom eats on the run too often, and does not always give herself enough care. Correct me if I am wrong, please?
And maybe Mom worked so hard at being a single parent that she never kept up as many friendships and support networks as she might have liked to. Try to get Mom interested in a hobby or go for walks with her and look at nice things together, even if in a art exhibition.
Mom has been responsible for her children for so long. Maybe she forgets sometimes that they are adults, She is not there to fix everything. It is OK for her to put her feet up. But she probably worries too much.
Reassure her that you want to communicate well with her. Listen to her. But she also needs to be willing to
trust that you are capable and it is her time now to relax.
Do something for Mom that she can cherish but does not cost the earth. Make up a journal.
Fill each page with a good memory of your childhood.
A special day.
A day she was there for you
What you love about her.
A memory of how she looked
Something she did for you that was nice.
You don't have to do the whole scrapbooking thing. In fact the simpler the better.
Write it in your own handwriting.
Add in a picture of a place
or a drawing of a place you recall
Or a lock of your hair
Just all the wonderful memories that make you appreciate the good times
Leave out the nad times. You already both focus on those too much.
Present the book to your Mom, wrapped up in brown paper. Give it to her just before you are due to go home. Tell her to open it when you have gone home. Read it at her leisure.
But tell her it represnts the things you love about her. The things you appreciate about her.
Include something about things you know she loves - so she knows you listen. Her favourite colors, flowers. And how you know that or what memories you recall that reminds you of those truths about your Mom.
And make sure you tell her you really really love her on the first and the last page.
If such a creation of a special paper journal above, created with love cannot soften her heart then come back for more and I will try harder to think of something even better.
This might help you too:
This link on tunnel vision positive thinking might help too? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/tunnel-vision-positive-thinking---used-to.html
Best wishes
Abella
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