A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think I am in love with 2 people. S and M. What should I do? S is my ex-partner of nearly 6 years. We split up 2 months ago and it was quite a shock to me. We had a very good relationship and spent alot of time together. S said he was unsure what he wanted and needed space as it wasnt fair on me. We speak everyday and meet up at least once a week. We still are like a couple although not offically and its obvious we both still have strong feelings for each other. He is my soulmate i feel so confident and safe with him but I do sometimes feel like he can be selfish and that I put ALOT more effort into our relationship. M is a work mate who has become a close friend of mine. He is so caring and makes me feel special. He really does care for me and wants to look after me. He wants what I want in life too. We also speak everyday and see each other a few times a week at work but may only socialise once/twice a month. My only worry is I feel he is a little too immature at times.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): It doesn't look as though your ex was in love with you, so he did the right thing and let you go. It's easier for him to be your friend because those feelings aren't there so there is no pain and longing by not having you. Since you still love him, it's confusing for you and you are not letting go.This new guy sounds like he values your friendship and wants to see you happy but probably doesn't see you as a romantic prospect if you are only getting together a couple of times a month. I think you will feel much better if you get out there and date guys who really like you more than just friendship or convenience. One sided relationships and fantasies will just keep you stuck in the past, prevent a happy future, and you'll obsess about men who don't return your intensity.
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (23 December 2011):
 I've been in your situation... and to me it seems you still have strong feelings for you ex.
I would not embark on anything with the new guy until you resolve your feelings with your ex.
You need to make a decision.
Six years is a long time to be with someone and it sounds like the chemistry is still there, does your ex not wish to work things out?
If he does and you describe him as your soulmate... give it a chance... if you feel that too much water is under that bridge let him go and move on.
Remain friends with your work mate because either way because he sounds lovely!
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A
female
reader, imiss  +, writes (23 December 2011):
You say that you and S have "officially" broken up, but it seems that you haven't actually done the part where you break yourselves apart from each other. While it does sometimes happen that two exes can remain friends, that generally happens after they've had a good long pause apart from one another, to sort of hit the "reset" button on both themselves as single individuals as well as on the "friendship," if one remains at all. While it's understandable that you and S have a lot of feelings for one another after 6 years, seeking solace in each other through the comfortable routine of chatting and meeting up isn't going to help either of you. It can be frightening to let go of someone you have been close to for so long, but he says he needs space. Yes, that break may become a permanent one (better now than in another 6 years), or he may realize that you are what he wants and come back to you whole-heartedly. But if you never give him the space, he may either (a) stay with you but resent it and take another "break" later on, or (b) keep up this emotional connection with you while seeing other girls on the side since you're "officially" broken up, leading to lots of care-free fun for him since he has you hanging around waiting for him, but causes lots of pain and heartache for you.So as far as things with S go, take a TRUE break. Halt the chats and visits (at least for a few weeks). You can't be each other's crutch.While M sounds like a lovely guy, I can hardly begin to tell you why a relationship with him is a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad idea. First off, he is a work mate -- never date people from work! Second, and more importantly, you clearly aren't over S yet, given that you describe yourselves as "still like a couple," so at that pace, it's going to be a while before you're ready for someone else (think months here). Otherwise M wil be nothing more than your rebound guy, after which you'll have also lost him as a friend. You're sad about S, but latching on to M immediately is not the right move. Don't become a "serial girlfriend" who moves from one relationship to the next. Also, while M might be a great guy, there's also the possibility that he isn't interested in dating you (perhaps he follows the "no work mates" rule), and even if he did start dating you, I'm not sure how long it would last once he finds out about your co-dependent "officially broken up but still like a couple" relationship with S.That said, take out your calendar, call up your gal pals, and FILL your schedule. Keeping busy will keep you away from both S and M, stopping you from calling/emailing/visiting/waiting by the phone/whatever, plus the added bonus of spending time with friends, being happy, and doing things you enjoy. When not busy with friends or work, go to the gym, read a book, back a cake, learn to knit, join a group, anything to keep you occupied. On top of how much better it will make you feel, it will go a long way to restoring your sense of being an individual after having spent so long in a relationship. And the icing on the cake: when you finally do talk with S (or if you're over him and decide to give it a shot with M or someone else altogether), you'll have all kinds of interesting things to talk about :)
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