A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my guy for about 3 months. He works a decent job maybe makes 60K a year but has been paying off a few things as of late. Loans etc. Still I have too and he makes way more then me.He had a lame living situation when we met and needed to get out. After 6 weeks of dating he started crashing at my place and his moms quite a bit. I live very close to his work. When he stays at his mom's he has to pay a lot in ubers etc.So after this month and him staying maybe 15 times I asked him to chip in a little - whatever he thought was fair. He is moving to his own place on Wed. His comeback though was that he has taken me to dinners, lunch etc and is off put by my question.(Am I an asshole or him? He does take me out here and there but I don't drink so we don't spend much and the dates have never cost more the 25$. Plus shouldn't he be doing that anyway considering I am his GF?HELP Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (3 July 2017):
 You're not responsible for what he pays in transportation! By his 30's, if he doesn't know how to make budgetary decisions, then you've got a host of problems when it comes to him.
I'm glad you confirmed the dependency issues as well. Those do NOT get better over time, especially again, if he's in his 30's and not fresh out of high school or college.
Never assume anything when it comes to a living situation. You thought he'd do the right thing on his own and offer to pay on his own. You'd be shocked at how much this doesn't happen! Make sure if you ever live with someone, no matter how long you've known him, that who pays for what is spelled out right to the last dollar! Rent, food, utilities, phone bills, cable, gas, public transportation, all of that needs to be IN WRITING and agreed upon by both of you! Do not join any finances together! No joint credit cards! No joint checking accounts! I wouldn't even join a phone bill if I were you, because that ties to a credit rating as well!
As for his weed habit, you are concerned enough about it to mention it here! I don't smoke it myself, so I did some research regarding how much the average habitual user spends in a month and year. It does vary whether it's legal, medical, or illegal. In Canada, where you're from, it's only legal medically, and you didn't mention whether your boyfriend is a medical user.
Anyways, there's where his money is going. Weed is more expensive in Canada, and he could be paying anything from $250 to $500 per ounce depending on his location and quality. According to a survey done in April 2017, the vast majority of weed users in Canada who took part in the survey spent between $8,000 to $10,000 annually. Some users on the lighter side spend $40+ per week.
That $60,000/year suddenly doesn't sound so prosperous if he's smoking up 20% of his after-tax pay. Even at 10%, with $6,000 spent per year, that's $500 per month, which is a car payment, insurance, fuel, groceries, a tidy savings, investments in mutual funds or short and long term savings or commodities like gold, silver, oil futures, etc.
That's why you make less than he does, but it seems like you are positioned much stronger financially. You are in your 30's (I'm going to keep reminding you of this!). You're too old to not be paying attention to a partner's spending habits, because if you get too close and join finances, he may not suddenly change and become responsible, especially if he's been living with Mommy and not having to worry about it!
You need to make some tough decisions in the light of day when romance is out of the equation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2017): OP here (sorry don't know how to respond again)
Appreciate the comments a ton!
HE does have some sketchy dependency issues. He drink a bit but more so he smokes weed and I hate it :(
We live in a city a lot of us don't drive so thats not a biggie but everything else you both said is spot on. I didn't intend for this to happen it like snuck up on me.
But after a while I thought at least being helped financially would make it worth it. Thanks guys/
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 July 2017):
I agree with Youcannotbeserious on this one. He's a user, AND he does things with strings attached, which is a bad way to start a relationship.
You'd been together for only a month and a half and he's already semi-living with you, consuming your groceries, taking showers, and making excuses as to why he gets to do this on your dime while earning $60k?? NO WAY.
I've never been a fan of living together while unmarried no matter how long a couple has been together, and that's primarily for financial reasons, not moral ones.
In this guy's case, he's showing a MASSIVE deal-breaking red flag that you CANNOT overlook! He has no problem using you for resources and justifying his freeloading, saying that because he's taken you out on some dates, that this entitles him??? BS!
Now, that being said, if you're his girlfriend, that also doesn't entitle YOU to having HIM pay for every date you're on! After a first few, if both of you work, then the proper thing to do is to go Dutch (split the bill) and share driving.
I am suggesting to you that once he moves into his new place on Wednesday, you tell him "Welcome to your new house" and then end the relationship. He was a stranger who felt like he was entitled to camp out at your house rather than his parents. If he was camping out at his mom's, then he has never lived on his own, nor does he have a sense of what it takes to support himself. If you continue with this, he'll simply install you in the place his mom has had in his life and expect you to do things for him. You're in your 30's! You're not obligated to be his Mommy and provide him with a crash pad like she did.
This is all the more vile because he makes a living wage! What the hell has he been DOING with his money??? You said that he's paying loans off?? I get student loans and all that, but if he's in his 30's as well as you, and living with his mommy until now, where has his money gone??
Don't compare what you make to what he makes! Make sure that you manage your money, and DON'T ever let in a guy like that at only a month in -- he's a stranger still, and you don't know him! There are also legal ramifications...what if his new place falls through on Wednesday, and he finds a way to weasel his way into your house and claims residency?? You'd be in deep trouble!
If he were making 60K/year, why does he need Ubers? Doesn't he have a car? I'd be wondering where his money is going, to be honest. Does or did he have a drug problem or a gambling problem or an alcohol issue? You pointed out that you don't drink. Does he?
Be really careful how you proceed, and after he moves to his new place, END the whole "crash pad" thing he has going on at your house. He's eating your food? Is he cooking for you or helping with dishes?? Did he move clothes in or a toothbrush? Yeah...it gets slippery, doesn't it??
TOO SOON. A year in is a more appropriate time for plans like that. I'm not a live-in fan, but if you're going to do it, know him a LOT BETTER than you do, meaning you should know his money habits and have an idea of the state of his credit.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (1 July 2017):
 Big red flag! The guy's mean and a user. Regardless of how much either of you earns, why should you be supporting him?
More couples break up over financial differences than any other reason. You have already seen the mean side of his nature. This will not change. Is this how you want to live?
If I were you, I would hang on till Wednesday, help him move into his own place (where he will have to pay for EVERYTHING), wish him well and look for someone who has a fairer outlook on paying his way.
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