A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Here's my problem. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up around 5 months ago now after 1 and a half years together, because things were just getting a little out of control - we'd argue over little things and I hate to admit it, but I was getting kind of clingy We've been trying to be friends for the past couple months- it's difficult, but we're getting there. The thing is I'm not completely 100% over him yet..there's a part of me wants to give the relationship another chance, to learn from whatever mistakes we made and to have an even better relationship than before. I know we could if he wanted to..but he doesn't want any form of relationship with me or anyone else for a while. He's told me a few times that he still cares a lot for me..and loves me, only as a friend. He's also mentioned that he really doesn't want to remember any of the good times because it hurts too much..but I feel that if only he'd remember some of the good times and not just the bad, then he might just want to give us a second chance too.How can I 'make' him remember, and will reminding him of good times work? Any other suggestions? (other than to move on..because the other part of me is already telling me to do this)Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice everyone.
oh, and when I said 'make', I know no-one can force someone to remember something, hence putting it in ' '. I'm sure he remembers, but is trying not so hard not to - I suppose that's just his way of trying to move on and I was trying to stop this..
What i've gathered from the comments about us being 'friends'- I'd like a no contact period, but feel didn't really get that because we have the same social groups, Church groups etc. will inevitably see each other and it just makes things less awkward and hostile..just have to remember not to get too close!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): You cannot "make" him do anything including remembering the good times. This sounds like you are not only clingy but controlling. He is lying to you about not wanting to remember, of course he remembers, unless he is brain dead.
Give him what he wants, no relationship. You will never get him back as a boyfriend unless you stop being his friend or his emotional crutch. Put your focus on you and live your own life which includes dating others if you want. If he contacts you and you can still handle it and want to chat fine. But do not pursue him, call him, email him, text him, IM him or anything at all. Do not lean forward when you want him to be coming towards you and doing some of the work in building back your romance.
Personally, I think he is telling you to move on. Guys like to leave the door open with a girl in case no one better comes along or they change their mind...in a word, you are his back up plan. You don't need to be putting your energy in a just friends relationship when you know that is not what you want and not what your relationship with each other was about. Possibly in a couple of years and you both have completely moved on, then and only then can you put your energy into a friends only arrangement, when all other feelings have gone for each other.
A few months after a break up, that just ain't going to happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): Ahhh this definately sounds familiar, being friends with one of your ex's is going to be very complicated, if he has already told you that he does not want to be reminded of the good times then listen to him because you will only be pushing him further away.
stay friends with him but dont get too close because you'll start to feel like there's a possibility of you two getting back together when clearly he has told you different.
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