A
male
age
41-50,
*upersad
writes: Hey all I have been with my girlfriend for almost two years and just found out she was cheating on me for over a month. I always wanted to travel, and wanted a girl to go with. I had the time but my girlfriend can only get a week off a year. It was always a life long goal to go to South America for a few moths. I debated many times about leaving her for the trip, but she said many times she could see us being married, and she loved me so much, and would never stray. So she said I should go and fulfill my dream, and she would wait for me. I left for 2 and half months. We decided to live together before I left and she found a house for us why I was gone. Every day on my trip we wrote each other love letters and called allot. She would write me things saying not to worry she will be there for me when I got back and would never stray from me. I got home moved into the house, I was truly happy. Two days after moving in I found out she had been cheating on me almost the whole time I was gone. I found out by text messages on her phone to some guy she told me was a friend she met why I was gone. She had mentioned this guy in our letters but insisted he was just a friend. The text messages she was sending him said things like I’m horny, can you come do me, ect.. things I thought only I would ever here. I was and am completely devastated. I went and threw up after reading this. I called her at work yelling about her cheating on me and she lied and said she didn’t. I then called her every name in the book and told her what I had read. She came home immediately and missed the day at work which she never does. She said she became confused about living together, became numb from missing me, was scared of our future together and wandered what it held. She said that for the first time in her life she may have been in love with two people. She later said she did not mean to say that one but was looking for a way to justify the affair. She said she was sorry, and wanted to be with me, and the other thing was over. She said it ended just 4 days before moving in with her. I freaked out cried, yelled, drank, smoked, cried some more and then some more. I felt so ashamed of her, so used, and so damn hurt. It has been a little over a month now since I found out and it still hurts the same. We are still living together. I believe she is not cheating on me anymore, and loves me, and feels guilty. We have both cried, and yelled, and discussed every bit of this horrible ordeal. She insists she would never do it again that she loves me, she does not talk to the guy any more, she wants me and only me, and I can trust her. So now were do I go from here I truly love her but can’t get passed this hurt. I still bring it up all the time. I still shed tears thinking about her with another man in our house. This was the first time either one of us had taken a step like this. I know in order to make this work I have to stop talking about it and being so damn sad. It’s driving me crazy and I’m sure it’s driving her crazy to. But I feel I need to talk to get it off my mind. She seems to feel I should just let it go. Know I am facing the facts of leaving town for 5 days at a time this summer for work and I am so insecure about getting hurt again. I don’t think she could ever do it again and just made a mistake. But I still worry and have trust issues I heard all this once before. How do I put all this behind me and have a good life again? If she truly loves me how should she be handling this? God I want to be happy again. Please any advice will help. Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): i've been through the same situation. my boyfriend cheated on me but i forgave him. or so i said i did. i stayed with him for another year after that incident. but it was 1 year of suspicion, restless nites, torture to say the least. i would check his phone, listen in on all conversations, check up on him, call him at work, think about him cheating on me again every second of the day. i would call him every hour just to make sure he wasn't with the other girl.and guess wat? i realized i was losing it. one day i woke up and realized i'd turned into those crazy women i always pitied. was that really the way i wanted to spend my entire life? i stopped going out with my girlfrends, stop all other things in my life just so i could keep tabs on him all day long.that said, you may not be as insecure as me. however, i must imagine you may be able to understand the type of pain and suspicion i went through. i suggest you take some time off from her. its gonna eat u up inside if you continue to stay with her. maybe u say u trust her, but really, do you? and perhaps if she does go back to that other guy, then you're better off knowing now than a few years from now.and if she does stay with you, then both of you would be sure you want to be with each other.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): Oh god, I feel your hurt, hun and I am so sorry. There are two ways of going about this. You can break up with her, wallow in misery and take time to heal, recover and move on. Or...you can look at the history you both have shared and realize--that she made a horrible error based on lust, it was not love at all. It's plain from what you have said, that she does, indeed, love you and this was a wake up call to some problems deep within your relationship with her. You both need to talk seriously about those issues and I am hoping you can learn to forgive her, hun, because I am sensing a man here, who wants to do that...very badly. But you need time to heal, think and just have some space to yourself...even for just a couple days, weeks ...whatever you need. And she needs to give that yo you.
But Ido think you will be able to forgive because it sounds like you both are motivated to make it work. But, you need to be kind to you and give yourself time to think and cool down. You have been betrayed and it hurts like hell. Once you have had this time, you will think more clearly. It's then, you can start the process of focusing on finding ways you two can move on with your lives together, with a new and improved cheat-proof relationship and believe me, it is possible. Trust will have to be rebuilt-it will take a long time and it will be done in steps, first you trust her to here...and then to here...and then to here. It won't happen overnight. Plus the only way is honest and good communication will be the key to your road to recovery. Everything needs to be discussed, hashed out and sorted in regards to this "cheating incident" and she needs to listen to your pain...once that is done, you will heal..sloowly. So after that, it will be important to not give the incident more power than it deserves, by continually dredging it up. But you need to get there first. You will likely be working this out emotionally, for awhile. Your anger and betrayal may pop up occasionally and your g/f has to understand this.
After you and your g/f get everything out in the open and understand the roots of the cheating, only then, can you both concentrate on re-building the trust and forgiving once and for all. Forgiving your g/f does not mean you will forget what happened, but it will mean that you have accepted what transpired and are ready to move forward without bringing the past into your future as a couple. It will be difficult for you to blindly trust your g/f again, but you must make an effort. . Your trust will strengthen as time goes by and through the convincing, honest loving actions of your girlfriend. You cannot put her on a leash and monitor her, 24 hours a day, and you shouldn't want to. Do not expect things to magically improve, because you will be disappointed. Re-building the trust, passion and strength in your relationship will take a reasonable amount of time and could even require couple counseling if you feel you both cannot make it on your own. If you have been genuinely apologized to and promised that it will never happen again, then open your heart and give her a chance. You obviously love your g/f and she loves you, which is why you have decided to forgive and move on. So try to work as a team and be each other's strength in putting the past behind you, looking at it as a learning experience, which will assist you in making your love cheat-proof from this point on. I wish you both peace and happiness. Hugs, Irish
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (11 June 2008):
 Hey there... well, one thing's for sure: I can really feel you pain in this post. I am so sorry that something like this happened to you!
Well, Im sorry to tell you this, but a wound this deep is probably only going to heal with the passage of time. As hard as it is for me to tell you that, I'm sure it's just as hard to hear it.
But on a more constructive note, I might suggest that you two get into some kind of couples therapy session as soon as you can. Basically, you're right that you trust has been completely blown out of the water and if you're going to survive into the future, you're going to need a way to rebuild it. Unfortunately, other than the obvious (time and a concerted effort on the part of your girlfriend), a councilor might be able to suggest more constructive methods of rebuilding that trust. Also, a couples thing is something that can help you both air your issues with a neutral mediator present with the ability to make constructive suggestions on rebuilding you relationship.
Best wishes my friend...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): Move out, time will lessen the pain. Your life from here on with this woman will be one of suspicion and trying to prove she isn't cheating on you. She will be, at least in your heart, soul and mind.
If you had children, mutual equity, years together and didn't travel for work, my advice might be different.
The longer you stay in this situation the greater your mistrust will become and your will carry the inability to trust into future relationships. Yes you will have more because this one is over.
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