A
male
age
51-59,
*Ball
writes:I’m busy divorcing my wife at the moment and it’s been an emotional rollercoaster ride from hell – my soon to be ex-wife (38) is a very intelligent, attractive and well qualified individual (two post grad degrees and currently studying towards a 3rd), but she has a very unstable career and relationship history, very few friends, lots of interpersonal problems and she also had Bulimia in her twenties. We were together for four years - the first six months were fantastic, then the cracks started showing and the cracks became fissures once she gave birth to our daughter (her first child and my third).To cut a long story short, She walked out with our two-year old daughter eighteen months ago with no letter or discussion, just an empty house when I came home the night after I confronted her about her escalating and weird behaviour (social isolation, alienation of friends/family, parental interference (her mother is a very critical and controlling person), lies, fake illnesses, unwarranted criticism, running me down behind my back, withholding intimacy, previous boss that she had an affair with visiting her at home and doing drugs at my house while I was at work, her refusal to return to work, etc). After moving in with her parents and cutting virtually all communications, she refused to go for counselling and proceeded to engage in a smear campaign telling friends that I was emotionally abusive, stole money from her, that I had a drinking problem, that she never wanted a child and had fallen pregnant because I had thrown her contraceptive pills away while on holiday (when the child was planned), that she’d invested all her money in my house when she didn’t put in a dime, etc. She stopped spreading these malicious rumours after I asked my lawyer to send her a warning letter, but it still caused me a lot of pain having to hear these rumours and then having to correct things with our friends.With the divorce pending (I filed suit), she’s playing delaying tactics with ridiculous settlement demands, slow responses and she still cycles between running me down and telling me she loves me, and playing mind games such as not returning calls to my daughter, telling our daughter that her surname is the same as her maiden name, stealing stuff from my house during handovers, etc . I would prefer to have no contact whatsoever, but unfortunately I have to have contact with her because of our daughter. She’s also lost a lot of weight, goes to the bathroom for some time after meals, only eats soft foods, etc which leads me to suspect that the Bulimia is back again based on how she described the illness to me before.I’m very concerned about our 3 year old daughter living with my wife and her controlling mother – she’s showing signs of distress such as not sleeping through, nightmares, very clingy and regressive behaviour, asking to come home with me, etc and I’ve seen my wife smacking her and shout at her for small transgressions and alternating between being very loving and then being very harsh with her. I’ve spoken to my lawyer about going for full custody, but with our local legal system I’ve got almost no chance of succeeding, it would cost a fortune and it would take years to go to trial, by which time the damage will be done. I have tried talking to her, but it just escalates into conflict and she claims harassment via her attorney when I point out her odd behaviour. Any advice on what I can do to protect my daughter under these circumstances?Thank you in advance,TBall
View related questions:
affair, at work, divorce, drugs, emotionally abusive, ex-wife, money, on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): I nearly fell off my chair when reading this, as these are almost exactly the same problems I'm having with my soon to be x (controlling, abusive, etc..). I have been trying to get divorced since Dec 2010 but have still not managed to get it right yet, although she has stated that she will now sign the settlement agreement. My soon to be x has also lost a HUGE amount of weight and also suffered with Bulimia before (like I said, this could be the same woman we are talking about). My problem is that she has agreed to sign but has now sent me a list of expenses, out of the blue, that she wants paid asap (R4000 worth) and I know that she will delay again because I said no.
How do I get her to accept the fact that we are to be divorced because that is what she wanted?
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 What a nightmare this sounds for you ... it truly sounds just awful in so many ways, and the worst thing is that there is a poor little girl in the middle of it, who, it seems, would be far better off with you. What country do you live in that a court wouldn't hear you out, I wonder??
Your ex seems such a mixture of controlling and emotionally out-of-control that I suspect the only way to protect your daughter is through some kind of enforced arrangement. But if that is going to be nigh-on impossible to achieve ... what to do? This is why I feel so sorry for you (all), because it seems like such an unwieldy situation.
Are you able, for example, to go to your doctor or some other authority with your concerns about your daughter's welfare? I do know how frustrating it is to have the other parent behave in a way that you feel is damaging for your child, but to have no control over that - and I think the only real solution is getting away from that other parent, or getting that parent to change. As you have no influence over her now, and she is prone to sudden extreme controlling behaviour (such as leaving, with your shared child!) - then how can you get her to play ball? Well, either by another authority forcing her, or ... do you have any leverage over her at all? Is there nothing you can threaten to withold if she won't agree at least to let you have your daughter more?
As for smacking for small things and being harsh/loving in that horribly disruptive way, it is not far off abuse. Not that one would want to go down that route unless truly necessary, but the whole situation sounds really so not ideal for your daughter.
Sorry, but your ex sounds very unstable. Surely even having bulimia would be a reason for her not having full custody? It sounds like you have more than a case there.
This must be so distressing for you. I am sorry.
...............................
A
male
reader, TBall +, writes (26 August 2010):
TBall is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you, answerfromtheheart
The problem is that my ex is obsessed with our daughter (as in extremely over-protective, this is my 3rd child and I have lots of friends with kids and I have never seen anything like this before) - nobody except my ex’ parents are allowed to babysit, at age 4 my daughter is not allowed to go to playschool, has no little friends to socialise with, etc.
I have my daughter every second weekend (had to force facilitation by a psychologist to get my ex to agree to that) and when I return my daughter on Sunday afternoons, my ex looks absolutely haggard and I can see that she's been stressed out of her mind the whole weekend.
In turn, my ex has a similar relationship with her mother – when we were still together, the two of them would call each other approximately 10 times a day despite them spending at least 2 days a week together. My ex has multiple degrees and enough money to buy a house in cash, but has elected to live with her parents for the past 18 months with no plans to move out.
Based on the above, there is no way that she will let me look after my daughter.
...............................
A
female
reader, answerfromtheheart  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 What if you approached her and said: "Look, I'm sorry our relationship didn't work out. We couldn't make each other happy, it's not your fault and it's not mine. I want you to move on and find someone who can make you happy. You know it's hard to date and find someone when you have to take care of a child. Let me take our daughter to live with me so you can have the freedom and time to date, and find someone who will make you happy."For me, the best way to get what I want is to help the other person feel that what I want is best for them and their needs, not my own. If you let her know that your intention to have your daughter live with you is so she can benefit, do you think she would listen?
...............................
|
