A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i got a dilemma, i signed up for a dating website not so long ago.and over all it is fine, what I am finding harder than i though, is replying to messages of men i am not interested in, i try to turn them down as politely as i can but there is always someone who gets really hostile, and I have to block them etc… so i been thinking.should i tell the men i am not interested in, thanks but no thanks, or should i just ignore their messages and move on?... and another question is, is it ok to tell men who ask you what is the reason behind not wanting to continue to keep in contact, that i prefer to date people with in my own racial background, i don’t want anyone to think i am some sort of racist lunatic so i was wondering should i say that or leave it out?Overall i need to hear other peoples view point. on how to let turn someone down easily (i there is such a thing)If I could get men to comment on this I would I appreciate it , thanks.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 One last thing...that 'give everyone the courtesy of a reply' rule applies when you only have a small number of invitations or letters to respond to. It was never designed for the plethora of invitations one receives nowadays from strangers.
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (30 December 2012):
Instead of running yourself ragged trying to respond to each and every invitation I suggest you add something to your profile that will address this. However you word it, keep it brief and upbeat and place it where it can easily be seen. Something along the lines of: 'While I appreciate the many invitations I receive, I simply cannot answer all of them. Only those I think most promising will receive a reply. Apologies in advance to those who don't.'Tweak it a bit to fit your own style if you like, but it must sound confident, positive and polite, but not overly worried about what everyone thinks. There are a few benefits to this approach. It satisfies the 'be polite' rule you're trying to live up to without overwhelming you. It's a great PR opportunity because it let's others know you're in demand without boasting and it gives you a chance to demonstrate how classy and sophisticated you are. And finally, it saves you the hassle of trying to extricate yourself from unwanted exchanges. Do not complain about the number of emails you can't answer or how rude some men are. Far too many people use their profiles to purge their peeves and other bagagge. Attract that special guy by distinguishing yourself from the herd. It may help you to know that most men already know they aren't going to receive a reply. They just cast a wide net and reel in whatever bites. And some do indeed cut and paste a standard greeting so obviously they haven't gone to any great trouble and aren't pinning their hopes on you. Something else you should know is that by putting all this effort into letting them down gently you are showing them that you are new, not only to that specific site, but to dating in general, and that you are too eager to please. This makes you an ideal candidate for manipulation and exploitation by the unscrupulous. You can also mention in your profile that you will only date those in the same ethnic/cultural group. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. You don't have to date outside your preference to prove you're a good person. For those connections you later lose interest in you can decide on a case by case basis whether or not to be honest with them about why you lost interest. Obviously I wouldn't volunteer it. If the man asking gave me the impression that he sincerly wanted to know so he could make reasonable improvements AND that he would handle this information with calm maturity then I'd tell him the truth. One last word of advice. Do NOT ask or offer to remain friends with men who don't appeal to you. They didn't enroll in a dating site to meet friends so it will be seen by some as pity and by others as a foot in the door with the hope of changing your mind later on, or getting you to agree to friends with benefits. Let HIM ask about remaining friends and make it clear that friends means friends...no benefits.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): Sometimes sending a polite and respectful 'no' can also backfire. I had a few people asking me why I bothered to reply at all if I wasn't interested.
With online dating there is always potential for being offended and causing offence inadvertently.
If someone puts a lot of effort into sending that first message and I'm not interested, I sometimes reply out of courtesy and tell a white lie to spare their feelings. I don't want to say "it's because you're 3 inches shorter than me and the wrong ethnicity".
More often than not I don't reply. I would rather someone not reply to me than say "you're too old and I don't date Christians".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): I know how you get results with women, you see and treat them as a human being, let them get to know you, the real you. Not just see them as a piece of meat for quick hook up for sex lol
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (29 December 2012):
 Those guys who demand an explanation and response are serious assholes anyways. How much more entitled can they get? We're not talking about guys you've even dated, this is basically the equivalent of a guy walking up to you on the street and saying "you're hot let's have sex" and expecting a well thought out polite response as to why you don't want to have sex with them.
Don't let them harass you into feeling bad because they are the ones behaving badly, not you. I promise you that these guys demanding a response and being rude would be behaving much worse if you responded. Only instead of being upset at the lack of response, they would be upset at the lack of a date.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni do specified on my profile what is it i am looking for, most people are fine with it, some will message me afterwards asking me why i never replied and a guy also said it would be nice if instead of ignoring me you had just said thanks, but no thanks or something.
that made me feel bad, since i always politely decline that was the first time i choose not to, so i was wondering over all does anyone do this or am i the only one.
sometimes guys will contact me and if i see the copy and message they use is to obvious i will give them feedback explaining why is the method they are using to approach girls isn't working... some guys are grateful for the advice etc...
Thanks for your opinion guys; i will keep that in to a count...
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (29 December 2012):
Just ignore them. You don't owe them a reason just because they copied and pasted their standard greeting into an email. Just don't respond.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (29 December 2012):
 If I were you, I'd just ignore the messages. That will get the point across fine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): No, no, no...If you do not want to respond to someone, either ignore the message or if you would like to respond, politely say, "Hey! Thank you for the message. I recently met someone on this site but I appreciate the interest. Good luck to you." That's that. If it were me, I wouldn't respond at all. But if you must, that's a tactful way of saying you are "unavailable." You don't have to give specifics. Use the same line for someone of a different race, should it not appeal to you.And if for whatever reason they keep messaging just ignore them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): Maybe you should explain in more detail in your profile what you are and are not looking for and then people who view your profile will know what and what not to expect of you.
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