A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, I really need some advice or perhaps just a lot of encouragement lol. It's to do with the way I hold back too much when it comes to men. I'm incredibly stubborn and have always stuck by the traditionalist view that men should do all the chasing and make the first move. However, I've come to the realisation that 'playing it cool' just sends out the wrong signals, but I just can't seem to snap out of it. The reason this has happened is because I've been hurt in the past. On a couple of occasions I've literally had to force myself to express my feelings rather than conceal them, both times have backfired; once I was rejected and the other time... well, he really took advantage of my feelings for him and led me on for months until a new woman came along. This was quite recently so the pain is still fresh! He would tell me how much he loved me and how he couldn't wait for us to be together (it was long-distance), I trusted every word he said and then I ended up crushed. With him, I'd learnt to be upfront and honest but now I've gone back to square one again. Once trust has been broken, it's not easy to feel it again. As I'm sure many of you already know! The current situation is that I've met someone new, and who is really lovely. In fact, I've never known anyone who is as nice and caring as him. He was introduced to me through a mutual friend and there was an immediate spark between us, we've had 2 dates since. Both went great and we ended up sleeping together (probably too soon, but it felt natural... and it just sort of happened). Anyway, we haven't seen each other for a couple of weeks and I would really love to meet up again, it's just that while I've had time to reflect on the situation, I've began to have doubts as to whether I'm good enough for him and worry that he'll hurt me if I get too involved and let my defences down. So because of all this, I've been really laid back with him... I'm trying not to appear interested so haven't made any effort to initiate contact (we only talk when he makes the first move) and now we don't communicate very much, although we do 'like' each other's status updates and photo's on Facebook quite a lot. He's been hurt recently too, which he expressed while we were having a deep conversation one night - but I didn't tell him about my recent experience, because I feel so stupid and foolish to have fallen for this man's lies for almost a year. I can feel the new guy drifting away as I'm being too aloof, but I really can't help it. I keep wishing that he'll just text me and ask to meet up (I know he wants to, as he told our mutual friend and said some nice things about me) which would take the pressure off from me asking him. I feel like I'm contradicting myself here lol, it's just an inner conflict I'm having with myself; one part of me is so fearful to get involved and the other part wants to get to know him even more and see where it takes us. We're both in the same place right now (losing someone we cared about) and I know he's not quite over his ex girlfriend either, so likely doesn't want to rush into a new relationship, and neither do I. He's also quite shy, so obviously it doesn't help that I'm holding back so much. I guess what I'm asking is, how do I overcome this fear of trusting someone? and also, how can I get him to ask me on another date? Thank you in advance for any responses!
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crush, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, shy, spark, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, nanabear456  +, writes (3 October 2011):
 take some classes or talk with a friend
A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (3 October 2011):
Text him!! and if u go into this relationship..if it happens.. you have to trust him. You cant go looking through his stuff trying to find something to incriminate him. if u find yourself doing that, your gona find something thats probably not even a big deal and it will end because you are insecure. Its really not worth it to be in a relationship where u already have trust issues. It means you not emotionally ready. It doesnt seem like from you add you have any reason not to trust him 100%! soo you should give him 100% trust. and you should go into this relationship trusting him. If he screws up and looses trust hopefully he can get it back. If theres no way you can forgive him then its over... and if u already slept with him and hes not over his ex, and u havnt talked in weeks.. u were just being used. not to sound mean but u were a rebound chick..
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