A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been going out about 4 months. It's the first relationship I've been in with someone who really cares about me and wants a future with me after a bad run of picking the wrong guys. I've spoken to him about my fears before and (although it really upsets and angers him to not be trusted) he has told me that he values honesty too much to ever cheat and he never has done before. However, even the smallest possibility of the secret conversations he could be having on his phone are haunting me. How do you let go of these horrible possibilities that you can't control and just be happy? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, OddRabbit  +, writes (5 March 2018):
I've recently been in the very same boat. It's a difficult situation. I had to learn for myself that as a human, I crave affection, and love. Unfortunately, we get bumped and bruised along the journey to find the right one. Four months isn't quite an extensive period of time, but I understand how it can feel like forever. I still struggle with insecurities, and I talk to my significant other (s.o.) about them. My last relationship was very abusive, and it is hard to come from difficult relationships to a healthy one, especially if you've never experienced a healthy relationship in the first place.It's hard, but I recommend professional guidance. A counselor, teacher, preacher, or anyone who has been there for you, and is a great sounding board.It's easy for someone to be offended when they feel their love does not trust them, hence the anger and hurt on his behalf. Both of you have to be understanding of each others' feelings in this matter. You have every reason to be fearful that any relationship will turn sour based on your previous experience, that's how we develop defense mechanisms. Right now, with him, you're being 'retrained' to learn how to be in a healthy and loving relationship. In the end, the worst that could happen is he's just like the other guys. However, the best thing that could happen, is that you continue in a loving and healthy relationship the rest of your lives.Take your pick, sister, this is going to be your choice, and life really is too short to not follow your heart's desire." 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2018): You have only known him 4 months.This is not even a relationship yet.Slow down or he will run away fast.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (4 March 2018):
 It doesn't sound to me as though you're ready for a relationship. You are only going to push this guy away if you continue to go on about the past. If you don't have trust, how can you possibly relax and enjoy yourself. You should be having fun and getting to know each other, not waiting for the poor guy to do something he may never do.
If you can't let go of the past, you'll bring it into every relationship you attempt to have in the future.
Take care xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2018): Well, let me be frank with you. Get a grip or sabotage this relationship.
He doesn't deserve to deal with your insecurities when he is taking an equal-risk in trusting you; and handing over his heart to someone unsure of herself.
Your past is not his problem. You can hold-on to pain and empower other people over your feelings; until you deny yourself what you want and deserve.
What has what other guys have done to you got to do with him?
If you're too fragile to handle a full-grown adult relationship, which comes with obstacles and challenges; then throw in the towel, and move on. Wait until you're ready.
What if he will never say he loves you; because some other woman broke his heart? Would that be fair to you? That's exactly what you're doing to him! It's a two-way relationship, it's not just about you!
This is tough-love. You may have found something good and you've got to give it a chance. I'm not going to coddle you; I'll let someone else do that. I want you to give yourself a chance after heartbreak. Been there, girlfriend; and done that!
We all suffer disappointments and make bad choices in our love-lives. You've got to give yourself another chance, and another. You've got to take back what others took from you. That's growing-up. That's showing strength and resilience. That's developing tools for survival. He doesn't have to tiptoe around your insecurities and girlish-delicacy!
Be a woman!
If you're not well enough to maintain a good-relationship or reciprocate what he is giving you. Then he would be best to let you go; to take care of the pain you haven't gotten over. You're very young; so you couldn't have had but so many relationships in your past. If you're under 25; sister you've got approximately another 60 years to go! Better toughen-up!
Sweetheart, life comes with challenges and pain. We either grow strength from what we survive, or we are defeated by it. You deserve love, you want it, now take it! Even if you risk heartbreak!
Look at it this way! You got your heart-broken over some other jerk(s); but you lived to tell about it.
Now all those dudes in the past have moved on, probably found other women, and forgotten all about you! You're still wallowing in self-pity and ruining your chances with someone new and improved, and possible their best replacement.
Wise-up!
Wipe the slate clean, and enjoy your new man. Make it worth his time and effort, trying to care about you. Otherwise; give him up, so he can go find someone stronger and more secure. You may be contagious, and passing around broken-hearts you caught from other guys!
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