A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:helloI have some social issues. I'm reserved person and I it find hard to talk with people, even with people in my age. When I was in primary school (age 7-14), I was too shy. I've always felt diffrent from others, like I don't deserve to be treated in same way.And then in high school, I was a bit social, but if I compare myself with others,oh then I was so far away from them. I never had a gf, not even a first kiss, even though I;ve been told from others, I'm handsome guy and I know some girls has crushes on me, but I couldnt talk with them because of my social issues. Until now I thought that I have social anxiety disorder. Nowadays, I've finished bachelor studies(I'M 22 YRS old), and I'm feeling completely alone and totally unexperienced in life. When I think for what had happen back in my life, I feel like I missed so many things(especially teenager lifestyle)and it feels like a huge gap in my life which can never be filled in. Living in this was is killing me and I'm so tired of it. What do you think, how do I open myself up to other, how to be more socil, how to gain self confidence??aAny advice is highly appreciated. Thank you guys.
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female
reader, malvern  +, writes (17 August 2013):
 I do hope that you don't mind me re-opening your question but I have thought about you a lot because I used to be exactly the same as you when I was your age. I too felt that I missed a lot of teenage life due to shyness and lack of confidence. However, it's the easiest thing in the world to look back and dwell on everything that wasn't so good. You now need to adopt a positive approach. You are just as good, probably even better, than everybody else. You deserve all the good things in life and you are clearly a very educated and intelligent young man. You have a lot more to offer than you even realise. Many people out there are total losers and you are not one of them.
As far as social situations are concerned the best thing is to get yourself involved in some sort of group activity. If you are sporty you can join a club and become part of a team. I always think this is the easiest option for shy people, however, you may not be sporty. Perhaps you have a skill you can offer to another group of people? A local amateur drama group is a good one because they always want help. They often need people to paint scenery for their plays, built props for the stage, help with lighting effects, taking money on the door etc.etc. I actually know a man who helped with lighting effects as a young man and now, years later, he works on all the special lighting effects for the major films we see in our cinemas. The point I am making here is that all of this will help build your confidence in mixing with people because you will all be sharing a common bond. When you have a common bond you find yourself having to interact with others. It helps build confidence and stops you worrying about yourself and it gives you a focus in life. I really wouldn't worry too much about 'social situations' because most people stand there and talk a load of old rubbish. They usually don't listen to each other because they are all too busy trying to do all the talking! I'm sure you must have noticed this yourself amongst others. I know people who bore me to death because they can't stop talking! So please, get out there, hold your head up high, think 'I have a lot to offer to others, I am just as good, if not better than they are, I am not going to worry about how I usually feel shy because I'm just going to go for it!'. Do it now, don't put it off! Good luck and I wish you all the best.
A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (25 July 2013):
Shyness is a terrible thing and unfortunately people often think you're being stand offish because you don't join in. I was painfully shy well into my twenties and am still quiet now. Somebody once told me that shyness is selfishness. I think they were right because you are constantly thinking about yourself and your own feelings. I always used to expect the other person/people to be more confident than me but I now know that that isn't necessarily the case. I think you have to tell yourself 'I'm just as good as them, I deserve the best just the same as they do'. On the subject of girls I can tell you that not all girls want to be with some loud mouthed show off!! I am certain there will be plenty who would love to get to know you. See if you can find a girl you like then just start off with a look and a smile. Then a smile and a 'hello'. Then a smile and a comment about something around you like 'this is a nice place isn't it?' or something similar that ends in a question that she has to answer. Remember, she may not be as confident as you think. Pick somebody quiet who isn't going to show you up. You must also stop comparing yourself to others. They all have their little problems too, they're not all that wonderful themselves! I grew up thinking other people were better than me - what a load of rubbish that was!! It was my own mother who compared me to others, telling me they were better then me!! When I got in my thirties I realised that other people are not wonderful at all - so don't you wait til your thirties! Try to get into activities that only involve a few people so you can get to know them well. You will gradually start to feel more relaxed and less self conscious. The older you get the more you will become confident.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie  +, writes (25 July 2013):
 "Until now I thought that I have social anxiety disorder."Why did you stop considering that? It sounds to me like you may indeed have Social Anxiety Disorder with a side of Chronic Depression.There are some steps you can take on your own, like putting yourself in very social settings even if you're there alone (e.g. hanging out with a book at a cafe or park) so that you get more comfortable around other people.Do you have any friends? You could ask them to bring along female friends that they have when you hang out so that, again, you can learn to be comfortable around others but with the safety of your friends there, too.I highly recommend counseling, though. A professional can help you figure out why you feel the way you do and unlock whatever it is inside you that's holding you back.Best of luck!
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