A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years, he is generally quite a loving and doting boyfriend but very headstrong and stubborn in his beliefs that results in my concerns always not being heard in the relationship. Recently, as we are actors, we did a production together. There was a scene that required us to be at a table in a straight line and he was 3 seats away from me. In between takes, while resting (they were short breaks of 1 min), I glanced over and saw his arm draped across the chair beside him while another female actor sat in it. So essentially, his arm was draped across the back of the chair of that girl. I felt sick to my stomach seeing that as I thought that was something that guys do when they flirt or try to get closer to the female. I voiced this out to him and as always, dismissing my feelings, he said i was being ridiculous and refused to talk about it anymore.Is this a dealbreaker? How do i move on from this when I felt like he did something really wrong? This to me, is on the level of touching another girl's back or casually touching her, which is quite unforgivable to me.Thank you so much and I would appreciate any answers! This has been bugging me the whole day and giving me anxiety.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2021): I dont think you have anything to worry about. He probably didnt even realise he was doing it. It would be different in he had his hand on her leg or something like that but on the back of the chair.. he was probably just stretching!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2021): I guess after two years of bliss, you finally got startled by something you've never seen before. Your boyfriend next to another female. You made an issue of it by trying to find fault, accusing him of attempting some kind of move on the lady by draping his arm on the back of her chair. I will agree that's a little cozier than would be appropriate; but it shouldn't cause a lot of angst and drama. You all work together and you were right there!
You have a loving-boyfriend, no problems cited in your post regarding cheating or flirting with other women; but you're flipping-out over this meager incident.
Are we spoiled or what? Some people just aren't happy, until they totally mess-up a good thing!
You've given him a tongue-lashing about it; and you've made your disapproval abundantly clear. He now knows better than to dare place his arm on the back of a chair with a woman in it.
*Scratching my head!!!****Now shaking my head!*
Why can't you move on from this? You didn't catch him buck naked in bed with her for crying out-loud! This is nothing more that jealousy. You're putting on a display of jealous-possessiveness and throwing a childish-tantrum; because you have to share his physical-presence with another female. Girlfriend, this could have been something so much worse!
You have little choice BUT to get over it! Being petty and spoiled is the best way I know to destroy a great relationship. He's a doting and loving kind of guy, he's among colleagues on a stage, and he got comfortable while waiting between takes. Nothing more, nothing less. You've made a "big theatrical production" out of this. You've earned your Academy Award for most dramatic actress! Take a bow!
Take an extra-strength chill pill, a long deep breath, slowly exhale, and shake it off. You're over 30 years old, not a bratty little teenage-girl. Pouting and stomping your foot! Don't let your acting go to your head!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2021): You are being very immature and over dramatic, as well as imagining things due to being insecure and lacking confidence. It also made me laugh when you claim to be actors, you sound like a school kid, and it is clear to me you are not a professional actor, just an amateur. A real actor would have a lot more confidence. So stop pretending to be an actor - because it sounds special - and wise up about how to deal with fears, men, relationships etc. Before he wises up to you not being all there and ends it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 September 2021):
 I think you are being overdramatic here.
Unless you have a GOOD reason for jumping straight to "this is not OK to do". Has he cheated in a past? Flirted with women right in front of you?
Personally, I'd say:
That it is a typical "I want to be comfortable and LOOK relaxed" kind of way to sit (for a guy). You were on a set (as extras I presume) so he wanted OTHERS to see that he was chill and relax. Like a "pro".
Or he was having his arm around the back to hear her better while chatting. If the place was noisy?
" I voiced this out to him and as always, dismissing my feelings, he said i was being ridiculous and refused to talk about it anymore."
I find that odd. You say: he is generally quite a loving and doting boyfriend" and then you say he is dismissive about your feelings. Which is he?
My guess is he shot you down and refused to talk about it because it seemed like no big deal at all.
The thing is... It was a big deal for you - for whatever reason. ONLY you can decide if this is a dealbreaker.
I have to ask, WHAT do you think would happen?
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A
female
reader, Tinacandida  +, writes (1 September 2021):
 It doesnt sound like theres anything extreme to worry about. Are you all friends together on the st. Keep your eye on things to see if touching becomes a regular thing between them. It may just be an innocent move thats all.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (1 September 2021):
 In the two years that you have been together has he ever given you any reason for you to distrust him?. Do you get jealous if he is even remotely near someone of the opposite sex?.
You may get varied answers on this, but my view is he really never did an awful lot wrong. He had his arm on the back of a chair probably to stretch his arm out, maybe it was an empty chair when he had his arm on it, then she just sat in it. I bet while he was sitting there his main focus of attention was not on her, but what was going on in the room.
I don't think its a deal breaker, maybe if he grabbed her hand, then lent in for a kiss might be a deal breaker, but he just had his arm on the back of a chair, in what was probably a busy room with lots of people around.
I would not be concerned about this, and i would try to put this behind you. If you keep bringing things like this up with him then you will risk jeopardising this relationship.
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