A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been friends with a man for a couple of years and we are both married. We try to get together for a chat once a week at school with my daughter in our presence, and i really look forward to it. I think he does too since if he is unable to make it he will text me and say that he wanted to chat but was held up with a meeting - he's a teacher at the school. Last week, he was waiting for me to turn up and seemed really happy (as usual). We have never spoken about inappropriate things or acted inappropriately. I feel very nervous/excited before we see each other and he is always smiling and sometimes has trouble looking at me while speaking. He will look down but i honestly think he enjoys our talks. I want to make sure that we are just friends but not sure how to go about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): That's pretty easy OP, just never cross the barriers between casual acquaintance and close friendship. Meeting once a week or so with your daughter present or in public and not going somewhere alone for drinks, and things like that. That will ensure discussions will remain as neutral as possible.
Keep a physical distance too, basically no touching in any way. Physical affection even the most minor like a brief hug, especially if it becomes a regular custom, can lead to a level of physical and emotional comfort and closeness that can grow.
Keep the texting and phone calls to a bare minimum, only to discuss when and where to meet, and whether you can make it or not. Contact like that when it becomes personal and often can quickly become habit and is another way to grow too close to someone.
Most importantly though OP if you even suspect for a minute that feelings may develop for either you or him then you need to nip that in the bud that instant. If you feel you are, then you need to distance yourself from him, don't give him an explanation just don't be available as much to meet up. I know people think the right thing to do would be tell him you're doing this and why, but you just never know how a person will react in that situation and it could get very messy. For example you tell him you need to stay away from him a bit more because you have feelings for him and instead of backing off he pursues you. The safest way in those circumstances is to just create a distance with no fuss and not make a big deal out of it.
On the other hand if you suspect he's gaining feelings for you then you have to have a discussion with him, get all the facts and then tell him it's never going to happen and that you need to scale back the friendship to an even more casual stage.
OP the line between close friends with someone of the opposite sex and emotional cheating is very easy to cross. We can't control our feelings and they can easily grow to the stage where you like someone too much. If you even suspect that is a possibility then it's better to cut it off and move on. Like romantic relationships, friendships come and go, and you should always move on another friend if you feel that things might get ugly with one. No matter how nice the person is sometimes circumstances mean friendship is a bad idea. It sucks but it's the way of the world.
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