A
female
age
30-35,
*keez
writes:I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year. The first couple of months were fantastic (as usually they are) But as the first full year together started to approuch I felt fantastic. We had lasted a year and that made me feel very good about myself...but. These past few months I have become extreemily insecure. I have been played around with constantly by my ex boyfriends. Most i didnt really care about, but the fact that pretty much all of them cheated on me or used me coz they wanted to make another girl jealous really knocked off my confidence. I have become self concious about myself. Whenever my boyfriend tells me im beautiful or etc. i dont believe him. When my boyfriend had a lil quick fling on new years eve, that knocked me flying and I had pure hatred building up inside me towards any person in existance to come anywhere near him. especially girls. Ok so now I hve a jealousy and insecurity problem. Its basically getting the better of me and I have noone to talk to about it. I feel I have become to clingy becuase I want to see him more. To make sure that the same spark tht got us together is still there and etc. Whenever he so much as mentions another girl I want to zip his mouth up. Whenever he talks to another girl I want to rip there heads off. I have found the one person who has actually stayed with me and Ive become too obsessed. I feel as though I love him and care for him way more thn he does for me. Like it doesnt even compare. Im half way across the motorway and he hasnt even moved an inch. Thts how I feel. I knwo he cares for me and I need help to stop myself being so insecure. The fact that he did cheat on me on new years. (dnt know whether ppl class kissing lots of ppl infront of me cheatin but meh) has still made me second think our relationhsip. liek whether he really cares as much as he says he does. I love him. but i think I love him to much. And I need help.So my question is.....(finally) How do I make myself not so clingy and insecure in my relationship? Any help would be fantastic. I am diagnosed with Dysthymia (depression) and people reckon its because of that. They think I have made it all up in my head and im the problem.I know I have insecurity and jealousy problems andthis is not the cause of my depression.Thanks lots x x x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sambuca Queen +, writes (26 June 2009):
 We have all been there and the whole ripping heads off, etc? Yeap Im there most of the time at work with my guy. I bet you are such a beautiful, taletned, decent woman and you need to understand that! YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL AND UNNIQUE PERSON!!! I need to take my own advice lol.
I was cheated on once and that has affected my relationships since. It becomes a habit wanting to destory anything female that goes near him, but you cvant help that. You are human and this is an emotion, a difficult one however.
Im trying my best to ignore the way my guy is, but I feel like Im slipping sometimes with it. Make sure you love yourself. Look in the mirror, comment yourself and give yourself a HUGE hug! Sounds dumb, but it can work. Dont believe others are better then you cause they are not.
I hope you feel better!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): I have always had insecurity problems and I am 32. What I can tell you for sure is that, if you are still with this man, you are asking for trouble. If he has already cheated on you, what's the point? He is not to be trusted, and it is certainly not a message of love and devotion to you. Move on. Get or maintain treatment for your depression, get a counselor for dealing with the insecurity and start this year devoting love and healing to yourself and leave the cheaters in the dust. If you're not a cheater, why put up with that from someone else?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): I have the same problem! My bf leaves me at home all the time where i gave up all my friends and time cuz he asked me to settle down with him, and then he ditched me 2 years on and went off with all his friends, while i find myself at home everyday alone, without him while he goes to the pub with other girls...and my old friends, he lies to me about where he is, and ignores my calls & txts. Jus reading this shows me how bad of a bf he is...he treats me mean but im still keen... i have no idea how to break this routine as im used to it afta 3 years...i jus want out but im scared 2 be alone cuz he left me with nothing when i gave thousands of pounds to him with gifts...and everything else. He was never the gentlemen either..never walks me home, leaves me on a friday night alone 2 walk by myself..hurls drunken abuse at me, trys to impress his mates by ignoring me...wait..wtf am i doing in this relationship...yep. Im insecure too...definately.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): Insecurity in a relationship is based on fear. And more often, it's that ole fear of rejection, rearing it's ugly head. Believe me, you are not alone on this. I think every human has endured this in love relationships. My advice? Learn to always, always love yourself before, during and after a relationship. I cannot impress that enough on anyone getting into relationship. When you love yourself, you are strong, you are smart, you use rationale, you are confident and you set boundaries about what youwill and will not tolerate in a relationship. When you have self respect you expect to have a quality relationship with another, one with integrity. When you do that, you are telling the other person you are a secure person and they will respect you for that. And from that respect, comes the trust, then comes the abiding love that builds, becomes solid and lasts through all the seasons. Another thing about self-love? It teaches you love yourself enough, to be able to recognize and acknowlege that any bf who does hurtful things to you is someone, you don't want. Your head rules, not your heart. Your common sense lets you know that you don't need the crap that others will do to hurt you. And that strength enables you to let go and move on no matter how it pains you because you know, that around the corner...there will be another potential, wonderful person to share your life with. You always never, ever fear being lonely, you carry on developing your independence, creating a positive, great life for yourself. You don't depend on a man to give you a life...never. You simply look towards a bf to share your life and good times with you....someone you can communicate with, someone you can call your best friend, someone you can be totally yourself, every minute with. Think of it...that is what a relationship really is...a physical, sexual, romantic relationship with your best friend, one you have chosen to be your companion. You have to change your attitude to one of self-love and self-respect. Being needy, insecure and jealous is not a healthy way to conduct a relationship, because others see that in you and they turn away. If you are this way, you need to work on changing your worldview and how you think. Because jealousies, and neediness will always, always cause a relationship to self-destruct. Counseling may help you understand and work on the past troubles in your life, that have caused you to think you are unlovable. Believe me ...you aren't. You have to believe that about yourself. And when you do, a whole new happier,m more positive life perspective opens up. Empower yourself...learn to practise self-love.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (31 August 2007):
 First of all, I hope you are taking medication for your depression so you can function on a more normal level. Secondly, the way you get over being insecure is to realize that you can be just as happy without a man, as you can be with one. That form of independence will free you from being insecure. You have to love yourself as much or more in some cases, as you would a man. That doesn't mean you should be selfish and inconsiderate of other people's feelings, but once you are comfortable being who you are, and know that you have many wonderful talents and attributes that make you unique, you will no longer feel as threatened by other women. And I can tell you that generally this type of independence comes when you train yourself to think like this, and it comes with age. Good luck.
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