A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve just accepted that I’m gay, I’ve told friends but not told family yet. There was this one guy I really fancied and I told him I liked him but his got a boyfriend his 32 his bf 22 (will that even work?) Anyway after exploring the gay world... I’ve become really insecure. Before I was out I used to have loads of gay guys look at me and chat me up. Girls always used to call me handsome, cute, etc.But since accepting being gay, gay guys have made me feel ugly, there are hot guys that I find attractive but don’t find me attractive, there are ugly gay guys with great bodies everyone is obsessed with. My question is can I make myself hot like really hot where I’m as desired as other guys?
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female
reader, Jull2254 +, writes (19 November 2017):
Hi. Just be yourself, stop putting yourself down and relax. Once you do that, you will be better off. If they don't like you for who you are then they are so not worth your time
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2017): The gay social-culture can be somewhat snobbish, shallow, and conceited.
Don't judge everyone by the bar-flies or Grindr-trolls. The world revolves around sex and looks for those tired-ass narcissistic "queens." They're ageist and catty, and will pretend they don't see you; because someone fresh and new is just more competition. They run around in abrasive little cliques, and gaggles like a bunch of hysterical geese.
Spare yourself the worry, sweetie! They're only bad representatives. Don't follow their examples.
You're starting off on the wrong foot. You're too concerned about your appearance and expecting to be welcomed into the gay-culture with open-arms and a bouquet of roses.
Just relax and be yourself. Grow a thick-skin and don't get caught-up in the stereotypical-types who live in gyms and dress like they just fell-off the runway of a fashion show. Those pansies are the subgroup that gives the whole gay-culture bad-press. Most of us will like you for just who you are.
Yes, we like to be stylish, we primp, and we tend to be trend-conscious. That is a part of the culture; but don't become self-conscious or insecure; because of a little clique you happened upon. That's usually what you find in gay bars.
Your personal-style and uniqueness will take you much farther than trying to please the crowd. There's always that sweet guy on the fringes that's checking you out from afar. He'll make his way to you. The more genuine and real you are; the better quality of guy you'll attract.
Everybody wants the pretty-boys; but you'll just go through a series of breakups and getting dumped. You have to be confident, real, and smart. The flamboyant types only stand-out more, but they are not representative of who we are as gay men.
Erase all that stuff you've accumulated in your mind about what it means to be gay. That's what is means to be a "queen." You're a gay man. You have your own qualities and unique personality; and you will do better by just taking good care of yourself. Be safe and use condoms.
Don't lose who you are trying to fit into the fake sub-culture that will chew you up and spit you out. Just make friends with people who are nice to you and look for loyalty and respect. Walkaway when you get anything but kindness. Don't even let it get to you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 November 2017):
 Um, let's start with your interest in the 32 year old. He has a boyfriend and you told him anyway? Why? Did you think it would change anything?
It's really none of your business whether it will work out with his (what I would consider) borderline toyboy. It probably won't, but you need to move on because he's not single.
I think you're being quite vain and superficial. "Hot" is subjective. What you find "hot" will be "boring/unattractive" to someone else. What you find "ugly" (cruel word choice, by the way) will be "sweet/attractive" to others.
When you say you're into hot guys and they aren't into you, it's because you're going for guys who are either "out of your league" in the superficial sense, or just aren't into you. There *are* guys into you, but you're just not open to them.
Look into your personality, not the way you look. Clearly, people were attracted to you, so unless you've changed now that you've decided to come out, they are still out there. The only difference is that you're being rather.... self-centred?
Also, you say people are obsessed with "ugly gay guys with great bodies" - they are only "ugly" to you, probably due to jealousy, at least in part.
The problem isn't in your appearance, as that hasn't changed since you came out. However, your attitude has. Work on that, not the way you look.
You're more likely to find a decent partner when you're not looking for one.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (18 November 2017):
 Well, I don't think your acknowledgement of your own sexuality can have changed how you are perceived by others, unless you are behaving or dressing differently. I mean, how could it?
Has your self-awareness altered your perception of others?
Let's be clear, I don't think everyone else can have changed. So go back to being your normal self, and when a good partner for you comes along you will know.
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