A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wifes mother tries to control just about every aspect of her life. She tells her how she should shop, how to spend her money, makes comments about her weight, compares her to other people, judges her AND me, and acts like a child. I found out that this has been going on long before I ever entered the picture. I point out to my wife what her mother is doing to her and how overbearing she is and she acknowledges it and it just keeps right on happening. I know she loves her mother, but come on. You cannot continue to let her walk all over you. This mother, might I add, abandoned my wife at an early age. She had to go and live with relatives and lead a fairly hard life as a result of what her mother did to her. When her mother WAS around, I've heard stories of how violent she was with her kids, holding them down and punching them. A lot of water passed under the bridge and they have tried to get past the "past". Which in my book seems admirable considering the strife from before. My wife sometimes takes to heart everything she says to her. I point out to her that she may be her mother, but she is the last person I would be taking any advice from. Especially financial advice. her mother would be sitting in an empty apartment right now if not for my wife. Everything she owns was given to her by my wife. We recently moved from Texas back to oregon, where a lot of her family lives. Well, now that we are here, the mother is now attacking me too. She has picked at me from the moment I arrived here. She says she knows what is best for me and my wife.....what???? I kept my mouth shut as long as I could and retaliated the other day. All that accomplished was piling more undue stress on my wife because as soon as I say something, the mother goes straight to her and tells what I just said....just like a 5 yr. old. Well, like I said, we just moved back and the movers hit us with a bill that is thousands more than we expected to pay because of weight issues. Long story short, the mother wants to be the savior and loan us money from her 401k. I could not believe that my wife was considering it !!! That would give the mother even more control. I dont know what it will finally take to make her see how her mother REALLY is. Her mother seems very envious of our life, calling in excess of 20-30 times a day....sometimes more to find out what we are doing. Its easy for me to see what she is because I am on the outside looking in. How do I make my wife wake up and see as well???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2012): Stop trying to control your wife. Otherwise you're just doing what her mother is already doing to her. You think you know it's in your wife's best interest to stand up to her mom? Well that's like how her mom "knows" it's in your wife's best interest to do A, B,C.. etc.Get it? Stop trying to control your wife.I get that your mother in law is really crossing personal boundaries here. So, YOU stand up to her. But only as it pertains to you. If your MIL criticizes you, then stand up to her. You don't have to like her or even get along with her. If she criticizes your wife, stand up for your wife, but then you leave your wife alone (don't then get on your wife's case to "do something" about her mom and lecture her all the reasons she needs to). Bottom line is that even when you are married, your wife still has the right to do things her way. In this case she's choosing to handle her mother's intrusiveness in certain ways. You don't like how your wife is dealing with it - fine, you dont' have to like it. Just protect your own boundaries against your MIL. Let your wife protect her own boundaries however much or little she wants.
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