A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do you get your husband to understand the amount of pain his constant lying and flirting can do to a marriage?
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male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (18 May 2011):
The lying is his issue. The flirting is yours.You can change your mind about having a problem with your husband flirting with other women. You can enjoy flirting with other men. You can both have these things and still have a monogamous relationship.If that happens, maybe he'll no longer feel compelled to lie to you. You are perfectly within reason to never want to be lied to by your husband. But he may not feel you are within reason to want him to never flirt with another woman.Frankly, your marriage probably is not all that important to him. YOU are important to him, I imagine. But he probably sees your marriage simply as your trump card against him flirting--something he sees as innocent and fun. If he didn't care for you, you'd already be gone. He cares for you. But he probably wishes he weren't married.Save your marriage by allowing him to flirt.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 May 2011):
 in December my hubby lied to me yet again... big huge and blatant. I told him if he lied to me again I was done.
he moved out in march.
lies destroy relationships.
trust is critical
you TELL HIM... you can't take the lying. you don't trust him and what you NEED him to do to fix it.
also set a deadline... either an actual date or the "I'm staying only as long as I can deal" or my line which was "I'm staying as long as it's fun".... it stopped being fun... I emotionally left him... and then he moved out.
if he's lying and won't stop, I hold little hope for the relationship... I'm sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): First of all, your husband's behaviour is totally unacceptable.But he acts that way for one reason: because he knows you will stand for it. He knows that however badly he hurts you, you will keep trying to make him understand your pain. When he flirts, you will try to show him how it hurts you, he will apologize, you will forgive. When he lies, you will act upset and angry for a while, and then go on as always. Basically, for him there are no really serious consequences to acting this way.The only way you can make him stop is to TAKE ACTION! Set an ultimatum AND MEAN IT. Tell him that if he lies to you again, you will leave. Make all the arrangements to go stay with a friend in the event of it happening - even plan what you will take and how you will get there. He won't believe that you will do it. Not really. But when you do, it will shake him to the core.Show him that you have self-worth and self-esteem, that you know that you can do better than this in a relationship. Show him that you won't stand for crap. I know it's all kinds of stupid, but sometimes it's only by demonstrating that we have value in our own eyes that we can get other people to value us too. If he doesn't value you enough to try to make things work, find someone who does because a relationship without that love isn't worth a dime. There are plenty of better fish out there in that big blue sea who WILL care for you from the bottom of their hearts. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 May 2011):
 Without knowing the details, I'd say that's pretty easy.
You tell him in great detail what his behavior is doing to you, and that you will no longer put up with it.
Then you put teeth to your ultimatum. If he doesn't stop, you leave him.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 May 2011):
 You show him the divorce statistics and asks him why he thinks they are so high. You can also figure out just how much marriage counseling will cost, or how much a divorce will cost, and ask him if he doesn't think working on it would be a better option. The choice is his after all.
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