A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so I am in love with my girlfriend and plan to spend the rest of my life with her. I am third year in college and she is in college as well. However, this is a long distance relationship. She is still a virgin and I am not. We say I love you every night and talk throughout the day. We trust each other even in the college environment to not be cheating. We do things in the bedroom to take care of each other with hands and we both go down for each other. I am the first person she has gone down on and she seems nervous about it every time. She claims, "I am bad at it." I feel that I know her well enough to say that she just hates it. She will never enjoy it to the level that I enjoy going down on her and taking care of her all the way up to the top of climax and holding her closely after she comes back down. Now for the issues I am grappling with behind all of this. I'm not going to lie, she is good when she does go down, but she has only done it about twice in the last 2 months. As I said, I feel as though she hates it so I almost try to opt away from it. To be honest, using a hand is good, but it is a lot harsher and hurts after a while, sorry ladies, a boy knows how to use a hand better than you ever will :). Also it lacks the intimacy that I crave. The fact is I am happy with her, but being far away I would like for things to be even at least, as in both of us going down for one another. I don't know how to make her feel more comfortable while going down on me and I feel I never will be able to get her to that point? I hope she will be over it eventually but I am not so sure. It makes me feel bad when she does and I can see in her eyes she only does it for me. Whereas when I do it for her there is no sense of distrust or, "I'm only doing this because I love you." I do it because I love her, I want her to feel good, and I enjoy it for a number of reasons.Being the boy is also difficult. As I said she is still a virgin. I bet I'm going to be destroyed by any women in this forum because to be honest a woman cannot understand a man's love. Just as a man cannot fully understand a woman's love. Sex is so deeply important to both of us. I want to make her first time perfect, but I need it. This is not a want. I feel like something is missing and sometimes I crave it to the point where I am sick to my stomach. I am a man, but this subject has literally brought me to tears in front of her. I have talked to her about it and all she says is wait and be patient. I have tried to keep it off the table entirely, but it comes back up every now and then. Pushing it all to the back of my mind does not work. I just don't know how to resolve this. As I said leaving her is FAR from what I want to do, so please don't suggest that. I want to wait but how can I make her feel more ready? How can I make waiting easier? I feel as though I am developing an intimacy problem between us. It will be gone once we finally can share in sexual intercourse, but right now I feel she doesn't trust me or maybe she doesn't feel that I am the right one for her. I don't get to see her much and I want to know we can make love when we are together. I just don't know where else to turn for advice. Every time I ask her it seems I get further away. I am not coming here to be yelled at to wait and that I am insensitive, honestly this is deeply important to a man in love. It brings up the deeper questions in a man when a woman holds it back from you for this long, even after saying she trusts you and she loves you. Please help me to get through this. How should I deal with the cravings? How can I make her feel ready?
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I love you, long distance, ready for sex, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of the posts everyone. I really appreciate it. Any other posts are welcome, but it feels better to just be talking about it and have feedback from people who have already past this point or have experienced it.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 May 2012):
 You have a couple of things working against you. One is the LDR thing. I was in one for a couple of years, we were both in our 30s so it wasn't like we were novices at sex but I do remember feeling a bit pressured to get to the sex bit right away during our reunions. Like we had to go from the airport straight to bed. I needed some getting reacquainted time, some transition from distance to *wham* in the bed and getting to it. I was able to articulate this to my boyfriend, however, perhaps your girlfriend hasn't been able to do this yet? We need to emotionally reconnect before we can physically connect, I think. Maybe you need to factor in some time to get used to each other again before your expectations for sexual connection come into play.
The other thing that is working against you is simply this: she's not ready for full on, full out, no-holds-barred sexual intimacy. You can't rush this. You have to let this develop, allow her to grow comfortable and reach a level of ease and expectation. I have a feeling you are pushing her a bit, not because you are a bad guy, but because you are so eager to get things going. She's not feeling this yet, it's not because she doesn't love you or because she thinks you are unattractive, she's not yet comfortable in her sexual skin. So to speak.
This is what I have to say to my 6, 7 and 8 year old nephews: have some patience. You can't have what you want right the very second you want it. Some things you won't be able to enjoy for years.
Your girlfriend does love you, she does give you what she can at this point, but she's not a full-fledged sexual being in all the senses of the word and if you push her on this, you will ruin her trust in you.
I know, I know, you want her and sex so bad you cannot stand it. You will have to decide if you need intercourse more than her. She's not ready. I can't tell you when she will be ready. It takes time. She needs to feel ready and I don't know what her timetable or expectations are; no one can move her along except for herself.
Give her space, give her the chance to reach for you. When you get together after a long time apart, don't rush her into bed. Take her out, reconnect with her by talking, cuddling, holding her hand. Take her to bed without any expectations of any sex whatsoever and wait, give her a chance to reach for you in bed. Give her a chance to miss you in that visceral physical longing way.
You can't wait, but you don't want to leave her? You can't always get what you want. Which is more important to you? If you are that desperate for sexual intercourse, then you are with the wrong girl right now. It's an uncomfortable fact, but there it is.
The only way to make her feel more ready is to give her the space to desire YOU and the time to grow into it. That's it. Time and space. If that's too much for you to bear then you are in the wrong relationship for yourself right now. Maybe this is a signal that it's time to move on for the both of you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 May 2012):
 I'm guessing it's harder for her to feel comfortable given the distance. Maybe lack of confidence, maybe many things, but in the end you can't make her ready. You sound like a great guy and it's lovely you're being patient with her.
In order to deal with the waiting a bit better rather than trying to speed things along, there are a number of things she can try. If she hates giving oral sex, there a few options.
One, if she is being rough with her hands, I assume you are not using lube, or at least not good lube. So you should invest in something better than KY Jelly and see if that helps out.
Two, maybe the part of oral she dislikes is the finish. So maybe if she just got you close with her mouth, then finished with her hands it would help her feel more comfortable doing it at all.
Another great option that a lot of couples tend to overlook is to buy a male sex toy for her to finish you with. She can use her mouth to begin with, then finish you with the toy. They make some specifically designed for this purpose (rather than for masturbation) that are kind of squishy/jelly-like. I have never tried one, but I have heard good things. That could be an option worth exploring.
In the end if either of you starts resenting each other for sex-related anything, your relationship will suffer. So for instance, if you start resenting her for the oral thing or she resents you for pushing sex, it will turn out badly. No sex doesn't have to be a bad thing, there are ways to both be very satisfied without it. You just have to be willing to experiment a bit.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 I bet she does trust and love you. I guess she is simply just not ready. Maybe it is a confidence issue? You say she is not comfortable going down on you, but she does it anyway. She could be nervous that she is not doing it right, that you might not be enjoying it, so reassure her that you do enjoy it and it feels great to you. You need to try and raise her confidence in herself and keep reassuring her she is doing a fantastic job. Ask her does she not like doing it? If she doesn't there is other ways around it. You could buy flavoured condoms and try it that way so that it would make it easier for her.
As for intercourse. Well my guess is she is just simply not ready to lose her virginity at the moment. I don't think it is for the lack of love or trust for you, probably more fear for herself. It sounds like she is scared to take the next step. She knows you are not a virgin, so it adds pressure to her to make sure she is as good as anyone else you have been with, so you need to keep reassuring here about that as well. It is good you talk to her about how you feel, and as long as you are not trying to force her in to the act then that's good. I do understand that you do have needs so am not going to judge you on that. Just try and be as close and intimate as you both can whenever you see each other and hopefully it happens naturally.
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