A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, I've been with my girlfriend now for a bit over a year and a half. Within the past two months or so, I've really started to open up to her emotionally, letting my insecurities show to somebody for the first time in my life, essentially, and sharing with her who I am or who I see myself as. It feels amazing for me to be comfortable and safe enough with her to be able to do this.She, however, hasn't quite gotten to the same place, yet. I know that she really loves me and wants to be able to completely trust me, but she isn't yet able to because of how she has been hurt in past relationships which felt like they meant something and ended poorly. I guess I was hoping that my willingness to be open with her would get her to open up too, but so far that doesn't seem to be the case. She has said that she feels like she needs to better process what happened in her last relationship by talking to somebody, probably a counselor, about it, and that she thinks her inability to properly process it so far has been keeping her reserved in our relationship, both physically and emotionally. I recognize that this will probably be a process that requires time and loving support, but is there anything else I can do or say in the meantime? Now that I've opened up to her, I would love it if she could do the same. She has mentioned her fear that, if she behaves reservedly toward me, she'll scare me off, but nothing could be further from the truth. How do I convince her and get her to internalize the fact that I love her, would never purposefully do anything to harm her, and cannot be scared away, no matter how much time this takes? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): The best thing you can do for her is to simply NOT expect anything of her in the way of her "opening up" to you. Don't ask her to open up to you, and don't ask her questions about things she didn't voluntarily bring up on her own. Do continue to open up to her to model for her what healthy trust looks like, but only within your own comfort level because if one person in the relationship is disclosing all their personal details and the other is saying nothing then it makes the relationship unbalanced.
But the point is, keep on sharing of yourself with her as you feel comfortable, but without asking any reciprocity from her. She needs to feel zero pressure from you in order to feel 'emotionally safe' around you. Feeling 'safe' is what eventually allows people to trust you enough to let their guard down around you and engage in mutual sharing.
realize it can be frustrating and dissatisfying to feel as if you're talking to a wall - here you are disclosing all your personal thoughts and feelings and she's just taking it in and not giving any back so you feel as if she knows everything about you but you know nothing about her, which can feel very unbalanced. Therefore, you should temper how much you disclose to her with this in mind. You have to feel comfortable with her not sharing with you, so that she can feel safe around you and eventually start to come out of her shell at her own pace.
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