A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Guys, I need help. So my boyfriend broke up with me and it's different from most relationships so I don't know what to do. Let me explain our entire relationship, we were best friends for 3 years and one year he really liked this girl and couldn't get her out of his head. I didn't mind at the time since I didn't like him yet. But this girl got a boyfriend and he was devastated. He couldn't think straight and after a while asked me out, said I was the only one along with music that could pull him out of his obsession. He said he realized that love isn't a feeling, it was a decision and he's loved me for a year now. 10 months pass by and we're still doing well. Exactly one week ago he asked me out on a breakfast date. When I showed up to meet him at the park, he said that he lied. We weren't going to get breakfast and instead, he's breaking up with me. I'm so confused and utterly sad. He said that he realized that love is both a feeling and a decision and he doesn't love/care about me enough to be in a relationship. He still wants to be best friends though. I know that I should keep a distance and I'm trying to, so I told him we can't go back to the way we used to be since it hurt too much for me. My question now is do you guys think I can still be friends ot even best friends with him or drop him and why? What I really want to know is do you think I can get him back even if he said "We'll never go back" because I know feelings change and I loved him so very much. I've embraced everything about him because I knew that was what made the person I loved. He said that I don't "fulfill him" or make him as happy as he thinks he could be and he doesn't think we're meant to be. I don't understand this as this was both our first relationships so he doesn't have anything to base it on. He said that our personalities did not match but I can't see it. If it really wasn't going to work out, I wanted to see a closure and understand. I can't see what he is talking about though. If I had even the slightest idea, I would just accept it and try to move on. Right now I'm not going to accept it since I can't see it and he can't give me a reason. He even already made plans for our future. We would live in NC by the OBX, we'd get 3 dogs and a turtle with 2 kids and everything. You guys I'm really bad at subtle hints so if you don't mind or even love giving out step by step advice I'll truly be grateful. Keep in mind that I want him back, I don't need instructions on how to move on yet as I will ask for that when I know it just won't happen. How do I make him feel for me the way he once did? Although he said that at first it was only a decision to love me, but the feelings of both love and infatuation came after, I still believe he did love me very much at one point and I want that back. I want a way to make him see that we are meant to be. I am the one who's loved him all this time and is willing to love him for as long as I can. All advice is welcome. I need some long advice telling me what to do and why you feel it is right for me to do that. I know that this isn't as common so I need some really good insight to the situation. If you want me to explain further, I can. Thank you guys so much. If you guys watched Legally Blonde you can say I just got blonded :"(
View related questions:
a break, best friend, broke up, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 October 2017):
 Sweetie you are both very young and your feelings are very raw at the moment. Girls mature quicker than boys. I am sure he wanted to be with you and enjoyed them ten months but now he has made his mind up and well honey you cannot make him feel anything for you, you cannot teach him to have feelings. He is a boy, and he has made his mind up. Now I know you don't want to get over him yet but no matter how stubborn you are it won't bring him back and it will only keep hurting you more and more. You and him are much to young to be in a serious relationship. Spend more time with family and friends and work hard at school. Believe him when he says he does not want to be with you, accept it and move on. One day you will look back and smile at this when you are truly in love in a adult relationship.
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (24 October 2017):
 Look- if you said to him "you didn't feel the same" and "he didn't fulfill you" would you change your mind?? NO you wouldn't! You're in denial- why the hell would he say that to you if he didn't mean it?
He tried to let you down gently at first. Now he's getting impatient and saying things a bit more cutting- honestly he expects saying "you don't fulfill him" is actually a very cutting thing to say and would hurt most girls enough to push them away- that is his aim.
Of course he doesn't want to hurt you but you behaving like some voodoo boomerang that doesn't leave him alone is driving him to desperate measures. How would you react if it was him just not taking no for an answer? Flattering but eventually you would be tearing your hair out.
I second Wiseowl completely- no matter how well you think you know him, he is a 15 year old boy- boys do not mature as fast as girls. He hasn't even begun his life yet, been to a bar, lived as a young man, sown his oats- as YOU haven't either.
It's not sexist- it's science- girls get more attached than boys because they release more Oxytocin than men. Men are prone to quick dopamine releases that wears off faster. If he is the same age as you, he isn't even out of puberty!
You are never going to be truly happy relying on someone else your whole life. You will be happy building up your MIND with hobbies, culture, books, (like the last poster said) that expand your outlook and imagination vastly.. right now you are obsessing and making yourself mentally ill. You are full of cluttered stubborn thoughts that are blocking you from feeling content and clear headed. He sees your obsession and wants to keep a mile between you!
We have ALL been there in our youth- obsessing over someone that doesn't reciprocate. EVERYONE. NOBODY IS PERFECT. NOBODY HAS A 100% SUCCESS RATE WITH WHO THEY LOVE. Whoever you are.
As for him deeply loving you at one point, that was genuine biological hormonal infatuation. Not saying you didn't connect and that you're not good friends but the ages you are, and the complexity of the changes you're going through- a long term relationship is just not sustainable at your age.
Trust us you will NOT BE the same person you are now in your early twenties.
Look- please come on. Be real- a guy that is saying he doesn't want to be your boyfriend at 15 is not going to be the one you spend the rest of your days with. You need to see past the noise of your infatuation because it really is that simple.
Wish you well- please don't take this personally, some things are just not meant to be.
...............................
A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (23 October 2017):
Sorry OP, at his age he won't feel anything at all for very long. At the ages you are at your brains are laying down connections at a terrifying rate, you will feel differently about things from week to week. At sixteen, I would look back at things I wrote in my journal two weeks ago and realise i didn't feel that way anymore, so you would be trying to kick a ball at a moving goalpost if you wanted to change your behaviour to make his feelings change. Part of wisdom is accepting the things you cannot change- this is one of those things. I wouldn't grieve too long, he has some pretty questionable ideas. I can tell you that Love, is never a decision. Ever. It may come through commitment, loyalty, mutual respect or striving towards common goals, but its never a decision. But you can't force it, its not rational as you are discovering, so your first lesson is that a man who talks with confidence and authority about complex subjects is something to be skeptical about! As WiseOwl says, don't waste your time with young men, they are whirlwinds of hormones, wild ideas and frequently ego, you might as well love a wild horse! Wait a few years and they'll have found themselves a bit. Fill your time with sport and books. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2017): Sorry, you don't have a possible clue what love is. You can only imagine at your age.
Girls tend to be a lot more serious and mature for their age compared to boys between 13-15. Girls take "puppy-love" quite seriously; but boys still realize they're boys at 13-15! Some hang-on to it until they're 18 or 19! Even older!
They aren't ready for long-term serious attachments; and they shouldn't be. They shouldn't be around girls who get all starry-eyed and clingy; because she doesn't spend enough time doing other things girls her age should be doing. Like focusing on her studies, shopping, hanging-out with her friends, and having fun. Reading, getting fresh-air, and exercise! Not spending so much time daydreaming about boys!
You're far too serious. You use the word love too much, and you're a little caught-up in your imagination.
Sweetheart, there are people twice your age still trying to figure-out what love is. I think you need to get out more; and make some new friends, to free your mind from obsessing over that boy. I bet your friends miss you!
If he doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore; you don't have any choice but to move-on. You can be stubborn and ignore the advice of people much older and wiser; but we know that you'll get over him. You're just caught-up in a school-girl's fantasy-version of being "in-love." It takes a mature-mind, experience with a few different people, and more years before you really have a clue what you're talking about; when you think you're in-love. Trust me on that!
Sometimes closure is being told he doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore. Being mature is accepting that!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2017): Now he has ended it weather you understand his reasons. .it's over it hurts but you will be fine ...as for being friends right now with your feelings is a big no no , keep away ,hang out with mates .. the longer you try to be friends the longer it will hurt.. time to move on ... don't try and change his mind ,you want love not pity .
...............................
|
