A
female
age
36-40,
*cegal
writes:My boyfriend and I has some disagreement lately due to religious issues. I am a free thinker. He is quite involved in his religion. He expects me to be a vegetarian and to convert to his religion when we are married. He says this is so that I can understand why he is a vegetarian and his beliefs and to prevent quarrels in the future. So I told him if he expects me to change he does not really love me. He was pissed off as he has done a lot for me yet I doubt his love for me. I told him his expectation for me is a push factor. He thinks I should at least give him the chance to introduce his religion to me. I have read up on his religion but don't think it is for me. Well I have already accept the fact we cannot be together, one thing I cannot accept someone who expects me to change so drastically, and it is impossible for me to convert. But I just want him to understand a few things: 1. His love for me is not that deep. 2. He shouldn't expect someone he loves to change. 3. I have already done my best to accommodate him (respecting his religion and bringing him to vegetarian places), I don't think its my fault the relationship ended like this. I have been trying to get these points to him by explaining alot to him. Yet he doesn't seem to get it and he thinks he is not being unreasonable and he is still saying he loves me alot. In fact I think he feels unfair that I give up a relationship without even trying to change. How do I make him understand?
View related questions:
his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2012): You've posted a lot of the same questions now and it's clear neither of you are going to change so the relationship won't work. All you need to do is tell your ex bf you read about his religion and don't agree with some of it and you feel that you have compromised enough etc etc.Considering you have already explained, just tell him you don't think it will work and end the relationship. Then have a no contact rule and even if you have to see him, just refuse to discuss it or bring it up. You don't have to do anything more or try any harder than this. Carrying on as you are now is only wasting both of your times. Just accept it's over and in time he will have to do the same. Yet more discussion isn't going to change either of your minds. It's pointless. You see the thing is, he does understand but doesn't agree with you and never will.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 May 2012):
 Lost battle. Because you want to reason with him, and apply the parameters of critical, rational , logical thinking to something that , for good and for bad, is totally beyond reason : faith.
As a non religious person, and a free thinker, maybe you don't quite understand the role and meaning of religion, once again, for good or for bad, in the life of a deeply religious person. His religious is an inseparable part of his identity as a human being. A " true ", dyed in the wool, Christian man , or Muslim man, for instance, is FIRST a Christian, or a Muslim, THEN a man with his personal life, wishes and aspirations. All his importanT decisions in life, including of course marriage, are taken based on the viewpoint of his religious faith,- he knows perfectly well that there are other viewpoints, and that they might be equally valid, but he has CHOSEN to not care about them, he is not SUPPOSED to care .
As a matter of fact, I don't know which religion your bf is following, but I have the feeling that with you he went out on a limb anyway. Most religions either strictly prescribe ,or at least strongly encourage their believers to marry a correligionary - so dating a " free thinker " must have been already quite a stretch. He might feel he can't stretch more than that unless you adopt , at least formally and officially, if not in your heart, HIS religious affiliation. And the funny thing is that you can't really fight him over that, because, from the point of view of faith, not reason - it makes perfect, complete sense.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 May 2012):
 Tell him that in order to prevent quarrels in the future you would like him to start eating meat and to drop his religion in favour of being a free thinker.
Tell him if he really loved you he would do this for you.
Tell him you think it is very unfair of him to end a relationship without even trying to change for you.
Turn his own words back on him, your situation seems to have altered since your previous question, to be honest I dont believe your relationship is going to last much longer, he is a hypocrite, he expects you to make all the changes to how he wants you to be without even considering meeting somewhere in the middle.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 May 2012):
 I don't think that you can make him understand. I do not doubt that he loves you, but he is set in his ways, and he wants to marry someone who shares his religion and life style with, obviously you don't share this with him therefore he is asking you to try and change so things can work out.
I totally agree with you though, you shouldn't have to change for anyone, I think you done the right thing in ending things, as it would never work, and the reason being you both are way to different people who want different things in a marriage and life.
I think you are fighting a lost cause in trying to make him understand your feelings, you have both very different personalities and beliefs and he believes you should try and change for him and you believe that you shouldn't there is no changing that. The only way I can see around it is to explain to him that you love him as well but ask him how he would feel if you asked him to follow your beliefs and ask him not to be a vegetarian just like you. Try and allow him to be in your shoes so he can see that it is totally unreasonable to ask this from you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): "How do I make b/f understand that I shouldn't have to change for him?"
By dumping him.
He's not going to listen, he's not going to change.
...............................
|
