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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: After decades of bad family relationships, I gathered the strength to leave some toxic people behind. I won’t bore you with details, as I am sure that you can imagine what narcissists can do to you if you let them. Especially if they have the “family-card” to play whenever it suits them.I wish them well. I don’t have the need for the world to know how bad they actually are. I feel relieved that I no longer let them waste my energy and my time. However, I still often think about some of the bad things they did to me. I don’t want to think about it. The thoughts just come. I try not dwell on them, “feed” them. But they are here. These thoughts provoke some rather unpleasant feelings. I feel angry at them for using and manipulating me. I feel weak and worthless for letting them do that. When I do talk about them, it’s usually somebody else that initiates the topic. I still meet some people from time to time who tell me what they didn’t dare tell me before about how badly these family members treated me or talked about me. I just tell them that the good thing is that they can’t hurt me anymore. And I really mean it. The good thing about reaching the breaking point is that you’re really done. There’s nothing there. You don’t want to prove anything to anyone. You just want to move on.So, how do I let go? I tried praying. Meditating. Is there something I should do, or will it come in time? Is this a phase I’m going through?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2022): When relationships don't work it is often best to move on.
Judging by your age you have held onto these relationships for some time.
It may be best to just consider your own immediate family as having that sacred bond of family loyalty and love, assuming that you are married and have possibly adult children.
We can't force anyone to be what they are not, so to help you to focus on the present you should just concentrate on how your immediate family members are doing.
There is litle point in revisiting old wounds especially as time gets shorter as we get older.
If you find yourself revisiting old wounds too often the fault lies in your shutting down ability.
So practice substituting one thought from the past into a happier current thought such as:
I'm so lucky to have a peaceful drama free life!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2022): Typo correction:
"If you want [to] escape their emotional-bondage, I've found that forgiving people (with distance) sets me free."
"You, or somebody else, will benefit from this advice."
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2022): There's forgiveness. You don't completely forget whatever harm someone has inflicted on you; and as long as they're your family, naturally you'll have memories and flashbacks. If the flashbacks are emotionally or psychologically debilitating; then seek professional counseling.
Forgiveness is easier said than done. There are degrees of forgiveness, and some forgiveness is conditional. Forgiveness is only complete, once you've set yourself free of their bondage to your pain and suffering.
I recommend the kind of forgiveness that you give that completely frees you. It breaks the chains that keep you paralyzed and stuck in the past. It says, "I'm done, once and for all!" Unforgiveness is what keeps people on a therapist's couch. Wrapped-up and consumed by resentment. I'm sure therapists out to make a buck can appreciate that flaw in our psychological makeup; because it makes them rich. What we hold against another person can last a lifetime; the only problem is, unforgiveness is all-consuming and addictive. It wastes a lot of good energy, and it changes nothing. The offenders go about their business as usual; not caring that you're left in pain, and stewing in vindictiveness. They don't care about your trauma; but you're stuck there in the past that they've long forgotten! They may even celebrate or savor the thought in knowing they still have that power over you. Which is what narcissistic-supply is all about. Their hold can be broken. No human being has invincible power. Lest you give it to them, and they're aware of your submissiveness. Your mind becomes their playground; they'll hijack the controls, if you give it over to them.
I'm a Christian. The doctrine of my faith, the Holy Bible, teaches me to forgive. It doesn't say it is easy, but if you make the effort; Jesus will take you the rest of the way through His grace. If you want escape their emotional-bondage, I've found that forgiving people (with distance) sets me free. I regain power over my own feelings; and I've found that as soon as I decide to forgive somebody, that weight is lifted off my shoulders. I do have to pray for help; because some people are so nasty and evil, you want to punish them forever. Unforgiveness isn't necessarily hurting them; it's just devouring you. It takes a lot of focus and concentration on it, to keep it fueled and nourished; so you never have inner-peace. It becomes a mental-project that monopolizes a lot of your thought-processes.
The devil feeds on your pain, so he keeps heaping coals on your bad-memories to keep you imprisoned by your own unforgiveness. He uses it because unforgiveness is an affront to the ways of Christ. God will withhold His forgiveness of our sins, based on how we forgive others. If you're a Christian, it's not an option; it's one of His commandments. It's said in the Lord's prayer, "to forgive our debts, as we forgive our debtors...or, forgive our trespasses, as we forgive those who have trespassed against us." Jesus taught this to the disciples. If this isn't your faith, or you don't believe in God; it's still a good doctrine to live by. It has a healing effect. It' saves you a lot of money on the leather couch; and it opens your way forward into the future. It eradicates drama, and will undo your psychological-paralysis.
The offender might feel a little guilt; but they'll eventually decide they don't care, it's your problem. They may even feel whatever they did to you, you deserved it. Then what?
I pray a lot. It gets me through life. It gives me hope, and it brings me closer to God. That feeling is very safe and secure. It's not a delusion, it's a fact. Of course, unbelievers laugh and scoff at this kind of advice. Comparing it to believing in Santa Claus. Whatever!!! I don't care, it's between God and me. I pass it on, take-it or leave-it! He (God) will deal with them in His way, that's none of my business. God is sovereign, omnipotent, omniscient; and yet, forgiving. He still blesses and forgives even unbelievers; because who knows when they'll become believers but Him? He knows the past, present, and future. Those whom we decide to forgive, may also be the ones who may come to our rescue in a crisis; because God will use our enemies as a tool. They won't know what came over them! Trust me, I've had the experience. He can also place them at our mercy, and they'll come begging to us when they need help. God commands we love them, and help them anyway. There's sometimes a misconception that to "love your enemy" means as if they've never done anything. Like someone who is good to you. Close, but not exactly what it means. Although, you can if you really want to. Loving them means, treat them as we want to be treated. Feel compassion for their humanity, beyond their evil deeds; and to forgive them. In due time, God will punish them. Perhaps even for eternity, but that is not what you wish upon them; or you will share their fate. God is pure, holy, and just.
This advise will sound sappy and get eye-rolls from a lot of people. I don't care. It may only help one person. God will smile on that, and bless me for it. It's a pleasure to know I've helped someone in pain. I am that person in pain from time to time; and I need the same kind of help and compassion from others. It's very rare. I also have done things that require forgiveness, I am only human. You'll hurt someone sooner or later, because our humanity lacks perfection. Not intentionally, but pain is pain; whether you meant to or not. When you are sincerely sorry and remorseful, you'll also crave forgiveness. It's a human need, unless you're hateful and a narcissist. They think they don't need it, but they're dead inside. Broken!
Forgive them. If you can't, pray for divine help. Pray for them. If you don't believe, still consider the power you'll regain, when you forgive. Therapists may hate this advice. I don't care, God's rewards are eternal. That's all that matters to me. You, or somebody, else will benefit from this advice.
God bless you. May He guide you, and give you peace and the freedom you deserve. May He continue to heal you, and lift the burden of pain your family has inflicted upon you.
These are my opinions, and no reflection on the beliefs or opinions of this site.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 January 2022):
 I think it's kind of normal for people to carry that baggage around but it seems like you are rummaging in old negative memories and that CAN become a habit.
I would suggest you talk to a therapist. Get some proper tools to first deal with, then shut down the memories.
You won't be able to erase the past. It's part of who you are, but what they (your family) did to you is NOT ALL you are.
Good for you to let them go.
I would suggest one other thing, IF you run into people who want to discuss your past and your horrid family, just tell them it's not a conversation you need, that it is IN the past and you are letting it all go in the trash. There is no need for others to rehash your family trauma, you already lived it and don't need to relive it with them.
I would also keep up on the prayers and meditation. However, you might have to accept that those memories will always be there, but you will hopefully come to a point where they no longer pop up as frequently and that you have made NEW and BETTER memories to think on.
Time and distance, OP will also help a lot.
Best of luck, OP
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