A
female
age
41-50,
*nfsdnluv
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half. We have lived together for about 7 months and now my boyfriend has asked for a break. He says he just needs a week to clear his head. We've had issues in the past - I, personally, have had a lot of issues with trust, and I know that's hurt him. He's had a lot of issues with communication, which has only heightened my trust concerns. Anyway, I didn't really see this break coming, although he has been rather distant and depressed lately. He claims he will "want me back" after a week and that he loves me and he believes in us. He also said that he didnt' seem too concerned about the break because he knows it will all work out in the end. I'm confused; if you love someone and you believe in your relationship, why do you need a break? He said he's had breaks in his past relationships, so is this all just a sign of a man afraid of commitment? That he really does love me and us, but he's just getting nervous about the future? Or, is he just putting off the inevitable break-up that he really wants? Which is it?! How do I know?! What do I do??!!! My heart is breaking!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): So did you ever get this fella back? Are you with someone new? Or enjoying being single, let us know.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): """""""""""Anyway, he told me he's just not ready to get back together with me. That he thinks it's too soon for us to get back together. He asked me if I had gone on dates and I was honest - I had. And, I told him, they were fine people and I enjoyed myself, but it hasn't changed my feelings for him at this point. He said that he thought it was good, that he thought it was what I needed - to see what else is out there."""""""""""
OH My God.
Girlfriend, forget this boyfriend!!!!!!
When your boyfriend actually APPROVES of your dating someone else, he is NEVER coming back.
FORGET HIM.
When a guy does that, he is GONE!!!
So sorry to have to tell you this.
There is better for you out there .
Chin up now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): G'day Cnfsdnluv ,
: quoting you below :
His friend recently broke up with a girl he said he loves but that he isn't IN LOVE with. So, the two of them talked about how do you know when it's true love and not. And, his friend asked him if he still thought that I was the one for him to spend the rest of his life with and TWO WEEKS ago he said "yes" he still really believed we had a future together. I asked what changed, and he believed that he just really started thinking about things and he just couldn't do it anymore. Now, he keeps emailing me today (finally, never did during the relationship) and keeps telling me that he wants us to be friends that he wants to support me in what I do...what the hell? why can't he just be a jerk and end it?
Cnfsdnluv ,mind if I be completely honest with you?
In the quote above, I think you will see the answer.
It is all there in black and white.
Translation:
He is not ready to commit.
Most likely the reason being,
he simply is not ready to.
But, from what I can also see ,from reading your other posts here, he is being very selfish and immature too.
I sense that he is using you somewhat,too,
Until he finds the one he is ready to commit to one day.
But in the meantime ,He wants to keep you around, cause he hasn't met anyone else yet, that he really wants to be with; and also,he doesn't like to be alone.
And he also has grown used to having you around, and really doesn't want to lose that, either.
But that is not being fair to you now, is it?
So therefore, here is a guy, who likes staying in your life; but also like having the freedom to be on the lookout for someone else, too.
But you are allowing him to do this, by allowing him to come around after he already moved out, and by allowing him to remain in touch with you.
What guy wouldn't love this type of arrangment?
But Cnfsdnluv, I think he does care for you too; and as a result, he doesn't want to let you go .
But yet, it is clear that he doesn't want to commit to you either.
And he probably never will, as long as you allow him to keep one foot half way in and half way out of your life like that.
A guy has to LOSE you, in order to find out if he truly can live without you.
You need to give him the 'gift of missing you'.
In other words,A guy has to believe he lost you forever,and usually that is the only way he will wake up.
And if he loves you and thinks he lost you, he will come find you and marry you, real quick...lol.
Otherwise, if he doesn't ,you just lost the wrong guy for you anyway.
So That is how he will find out if he truly loves you enough to commit to you.
He has to lose you, so let him lose you now, ok?
And, IF he truly loves you, he will come looking for you; but when he does, don't take him back so easily.
Let him work to get you back; let him sweat a little.
And if he does not come back?
Well,then He was not the right guy for you anyway.
Best to you now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): Cnfsdnluv ,My boyfriend used to say the same thing;
that he knows he wants to marry me.
But he stalled and stalled.
He would say to just trust him and not to worry, cause he loves me.
He never said he did not love me.
He always said he did love me.
And he would always say, just trust him, and stop worrying.
And he seemed so sincere.
Well , alot of time passed, and he never came back, but only still would call once in awhile , and still saying he loved me;
but then he said he was afraid, and to trust him.
He was still saying all that stuff,after all that time.
Then after Years had gone by, one day he called again, still saying the same thing !
By then, I had gotten over him, and just thought he was unable to commit,and so I had gone on with my life.
I found out I was right.
He definitely was not able to commit, no matter how he said he felt about me..
I did the right thing by moving on.
Recently, not too long ago, he called me again, and he said he did not know what love was.
He told me this, after telling me he loved me before, all those years?
Huh?
I finally realized , that no matter how many times he told me before, that he loved me; that the truth was, he did not know how to love at all.
I heard he is still afraid today.
Last I heard, he has done this to several ladies after me .
Cnfsdnluv ,I think your boyfriend is just like mine was.
All talk and no walk.
I think you need to just forget him .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): The exact same thing has just happened to me, I'm so confused myself...i know this doesn't really help, but is there anyone out there that knows what they're thinking?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): so how r u now? just saw ur posts and rly couldnt help but cry cos it's what i m going through... i feel a total loser and i m not such a good communicator so that makes it worse :( did u let go eventually? cos i rly cant
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): I have been checking your post often to see how things are going for you and your guy trying to see how things may go for me and mine. I have just accepted the fact that time will fix everything. One way or the other. Things will work out. It's just going through every day until then that really sucks. Keep trying to move forward and know if it's any consolation that someone else is feeling your pain. Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2007): I think you guys will be fine.Just give him a little space.DONT worry.
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female
reader, Sweetie992 +, writes (28 June 2007):
I have been going through something similar and I want to warn you that your boyfriend is a "commitment-phobic", meaning he has a severe fear of commitment. But he still wants a relationship and the love that goes with it. Have you heard of the book "Men Who Can't Love"? You did nothing wrong, you are a good person.......he is the one who is so afraid of a long term commitment that he is sabotaging the one he had. I'm sorry and I understand.
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reader, cnfsdnluv +, writes (27 June 2007):
cnfsdnluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell...if anyone is still interested, here's the latest. We've been technically broken up for like 6 weeks, but we've managed to communicate almost every single day. He still hasn't fully moved out of the apartment either. Somehow we talked last night. All I really got was that he broke up with me cause I was immature (at times - 3 specific times) and messy (1 really messy time, the rest not so bad). Anyway, he told me he's just not ready to get back together with me. That he thinks it's too soon for us to get back together. He asked me if I had gone on dates and I was honest - I had. And, I told him, they were fine people and I enjoyed myself, but it hasn't changed my feelings for him at this point. He said that he thoguht it was good, that he thought it was what I needed - to see what else is out there. I asked him if that's cause he was my first REALLY serious relationship and he said "yes". Then we both decided we have to stop talking for awhile - like no communication. And, then, he told me he loves me. Now, I know, this is OVER, I need to move on do my thing. But, is he just doing this more for me? For me to mature, to take better care of myself and my things? To see what else is out there so that I am certain of him? I mean, it's just the STRANGEST breakup EVER!!! Anyone have any insight???
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reader, cnfsdnluv +, writes (20 June 2007):
cnfsdnluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell...we had the run-in tonight. He called after work to see if he could come up for a few things. So he did. And, I asked him if I could say something to him and ask him a question pertaining to us and our situation. And, he said okay - although, he was hesitant because he had to go meet his mom...anyway, I said exactly what I said I would and then waited. His response (to me basically asking if he wanted to give it anotehr try) was "not right now". Then that was it. So, I basically told him, okay, then it ALL has to end - the emailing the texting the birthday card, etc. It's just too much for me. And, I asked him why and all he coudl say was he just didn't think it would work out. So, I told him he needed to move all of his stuff out (cause it's ALL still here) and he honestly got MAD at me for that. Then, I asked him to give me his set of keys - and he REFUSED!!! First he said how would he get his things to move out? I simply stated how I'd leave the keys with concierge. Then he said he's still paying 1/2 the rent so he didn't want to...WHAT?! like why hang on? Then, he told me he has given me too many chances and he thinks his mind is made up. Then, he KISSED ME - like REALLY REALLY kissed me and I go "I'm sorry, I love you" and he goes "I love you too"
WHAT?!?!?!"
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female
reader, cnfsdnluv +, writes (19 June 2007):
cnfsdnluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S. I have started answering other people on this site, too, and I have to admit, you are right - it's been eye-opening even if their problems are very different than mine.
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reader, cnfsdnluv +, writes (19 June 2007):
cnfsdnluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionConfusing doesn't even begin to describe it!!! I am trying to be very respectful of him, though. Honeslty, I do believe that this time apart has been good for us - well at least for me, I guess I don't really know what he's gotten from it. I have learned to be more patient, more trusting, even cleaner and more respectful of myself and my things. I guess you could say I've matured. But...I'm still SO confused. He's still contacting me all the time and he still has EVERYTHING at my apartment. In fact, he's still splitting this month's cable bill with me...and he said he "assumes" he won't be splitting next months' bill, though...well I "assume" he broke up with me, but, then again, he hasn't left me alone and he hasn't moved out...so...??? It's tough cause so many people I talk to think that I am going to have to be the one to force the communication. He is DEFINITELY NOT a communicator, so I understand that him reaching out is probably really hard for him. However, I don't want to force communication if he's not ready to talk. How do I know when to approach him? All I really want to say to him is this, "I understand that you had to pull away for a while to sort our your feelings. I am not saying that this is wrong to do, but I want you to understand that it has been hurtful and confusing for me. Regardless, I want you to know that I am in love with you and I believe you coming home and us working through this together is still an option if you want it to be?" I just don't know when to do it...???
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2007): I'm going through the exact same thing. Live in a one bedroom aprtment with a guy who loved me more than life 4 months ago, rushed into us getting an aprtment and now he has decided he isn't ready for all this responsibility and he needs time to work on his goals and his life. Totally know how you feeel. The most confusing hurtful thing that has ever happened to me.
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reader, wildturkey  +, writes (14 June 2007):
 its 2 weeks, to a outsider thats not a very long time. i understand how it feels when your in the situation, but i dont think forcing him will do anything but push him away at this point. If it keeps draging on then you might have to make him decide either way so you can move on. But at this point i think you should just wait as long as you can. The reason im on this site was trying to find answers myself, i have found that its easier to give ohter people advice because your not emotionaly involed with it, but i learnt a lot from doing this, about myself and how i feel. I recommend you trying it.
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reader, cnfsdnluv +, writes (14 June 2007):
cnfsdnluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhaha, I know, me a communicator?!?! I guess my next question is...what am I supposed to do now? I mean, I have SO many unanswered questions and I'm so unclear as to whether this is REALLY over (I take it, we are dunzo considering we both put "single" on our myspace pages...but, all of his stuff is still here?!?!). Many people tell me I should let him come to me - that he is just hurt/afraid and give it time and be patient. But, many other people say taht I have to FORCE him to decide one way or anotehr. Tell him it's too confusing for me, either we are trying to work it out or he needs to move EVERYTHING of his out...
...I really don't want to pressure him, I want to support him in his time of confusion (cause I really believe that's waht all of this is), but I do have to look out for number 1, too....WHAT do I do?!
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male
reader, wildturkey +, writes (13 June 2007):
lol im not surprised at you being the communicator :-P.
it is not easy moving to a new place esp on relationships. I have been in that situation i was the male working and my gf stayed at home a lot of the time. it was hard for me because she wanted so much attention when i got home and i didnt have the energy. But she was in a new place with no one to talk to and spend time with besides me. The solution might be to get work in a job thats socal, one of the easier ways to find new closer (in distance) friends. I get the feeling that you have too much time to think, working or study is a very good distraction and will help you to not dwell on details. Gut feeling he loves you a lot! Its circumstantial and can be fixed!
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female
reader, cnfsdnluv +, writes (13 June 2007):
cnfsdnluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's just so strange to me. I guess because I am a communicator and always talk about my problems...Anyway, supposedly he is moving out; although, he really hasn't taken any of his stuff, yet (We've been technically broken up for a week and a half). He has taken a lot of his every day clothes (obviously) and his computer. But, like his sock drawer is full, his second monitor for his computer is still here. He stopped by on Monday night to get a remote for his car (long story, but he's still parking in our lot and walking to work). Anyway, while I was filling out the paper work he said he was going to get more stuff, he grabbed a grocery bag and put shampoo and shave gel in it - and that was IT! Granted he wasn't going right home, but like, he could've grabbed a bunch of shirts or something. He did come in last night (i wasn't here) and got a bunch more shirts and his mail. It's just SO weird to me - like we're broken up, but I feel like he's behaving like it's an extended break. Not to mention that my grandmother, who I am VERY close with, is ill and in the hospital. So, yesterday, he called me to tell me he was going to drop off a remote for my car and that it prob. doesn't mean much but my grandmother is in his prayers. Then, proceeds to tell me how he told his client (on teh other side of the country) about my nana and she is going to pray for her too. Like, if it's over, why does he bother being nice? It's all so strange to me...I just want him to come home, I am in love with him and I miss him. I want to love him with all of my heart again...what am I supposed to do? I am trying to just give him his space and time, but I'm so scared....and confused...
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007): Omg, me and my bf are going thru the exact same thing...he tell me he loves me and knows I'm the girl he's going to marry but just today he told me that what happened b/w us in the past [[which was a yr ago!!]] is still hurting him..so therefore now he wants time..I think that is crazy he needs time A YEAR after the problems we were having!! I'm so confused rite now as we'll..but all we can do is respect if we really care.
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female
reader, cnfsdnluv +, writes (6 June 2007):
cnfsdnluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I think you're actually really right. I think he needs to see that I can grow up, start taking care of my own possessions better, myself better and be a mature independent woman. I sorta got lazy with my life I feel like...and I think he started to think "how can i be with someone like this?"
We talked last night and he told me he was too afraid of getting hurt and that he just couldn't do it. That we've tried, and it's too late for another chance. He tried to tell me he loved me "as a friend", but then made out with me and I told him friends don't do that and he said "true". He told me he had to put his foot down at this point, and I told him he did. That he put his foot down with the break and that allowed me to self reflect and see where the changes had to be made. And, usually when couples take breaks they allow their partners to prove what they've learned and then, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But he just asked "well, what does it say about me if I take my foot back?" (give me anotehr chance). I think he is very scared right now. Scared of the future and of commitment and of whethr I can really change and he can really forgive. But, I think you're right, right now, he needs time to get over the pain I've caused him and start missing me again and I need to start changing my life for me. He's said before to me how I have to want to change for myself. I just hate that I have to do it withOUT him.
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reader, DV1 +, writes (5 June 2007):
 It seems like he's got your best interests at heart. You're not ready to be with him, as you've got issues. He's doing the right thing-letting you go. When you REALLY love someone, you know what's best for them, and you know when they need space to work things out. He's giving you space to do that, and he's giving himself time to heal from the past hurt that you may have caused him. Instead of being angry, you should be really proud of him. You've got a good guy there. He's not out of reach. I did the same thing that he did days ago. It was the hardest thing that I've done in my entire life. He's still in love with you, but he wants things to be less complicated from any issues that you may have. Give it a month or two for both of you to heal, and I promise you, he'll say "yes" if you ask him out again. :)
DV1
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reader, cnfsdnluv +, writes (4 June 2007):
cnfsdnluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo...it's over. We ended it last night/this morning. It was a LOONNG break-up. But, also, a strange one. He kept kissing me (on the lips) and telling me that he loved me and holding me, and we both cried and we talked about past times and future times and he was genuinely concerned with me and where I'd be and what I'd do. But, he said he just didn't think there was anything that I could say last night that would make him change his mind and believe that htis time would be any different than past times - that I would/could stop acting so childish and lashing out. It was so weird, though, he told me how TWO WEEKS ago he talked to one of his friends about us. His friend recently broke up with a girl he said he loves but that he isn't IN LOVE with. So, the two of them talked about how do you know when it's true love and not. And, his friend asked him if he still thought that I was the one for him to spend the rest of his life with and TWO WEEKS ago he said "yes" he still really believed we had a future together. I asked what changed, and he believed that he just really started thinking about things and he just couldn't do it anymore. Now, he keeps emailing me today (finally, never did during the relationship) and keeps telling me that he wants us to be friends that he wants to support me in what I do...what the hell? why can't he just be a jerk and end it?
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reader, cnfsdnluv +, writes (4 June 2007):
cnfsdnluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: What a JERK! So, we were on a week break and today (Sunday) the week was up. I tried to call him, but he didn't answer (and he doesn't check voicemail), so I left him a quick text saying that iI hope he's enjoyed his week and that I was hoping to figure out a time today to talk about some things. I didnt' hear back from him for about 2 hours and when he responded he said this, "out right now and have a BBQ later will have to do it some other time" WHAT?!?? Honestly, if he wants it to be over - just END IT! So, I responded that I felt I gave him his week of space and that out of respect he should give me 5 min. at some point today - even if it is to end it, that's okay, I just want 5 min. He literally just reforwarded his last text to that. SO, needless to say, I am saying it's over at this point - WHAT A JERK!!! In my anger, I ended up texting him a while after all that and just said, "I guess I can take a hint, I would've thought considering you told me that you loved me that you could've shown me a little bit of respect even if you are breaking up with me". His response to this (are you ready for this one?) like right away he responded, "I am at a BBQ" hahaha I REALIZE YOU ARE AT A BBQ, that's all you've said today!!!@!! UGH! Men!!!!
Any thoughts? Not that it matters, I'm moving on to someone who can give me the time of day!
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reader, Yos  +, writes (30 May 2007):
 I suggest you write him a long email based on what you just wrote. Take your time and really say how you feel.
It does sound like you are focusing too much on him. Planning your life around his is naturally going to make him feel cramped for space and want to pull away. A strong relationship needs to be based on two people that can spend time together, but also spend time (at least mentally) apart.
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reader, DV1 +, writes (29 May 2007):
I have a feeling that he'll be getting in touch with you. Wait for him for a few months, and if you don't hear anything, move on. I don't think that you'll need to worry about it. When he gets into contact with you, ask him to listen for a little bit, and say your peace, and then listen to him...
DV1
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female
reader, cnfsdnluv +, writes (29 May 2007):
cnfsdnluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMe again - with a new realization of my own. After reading all of these reponses and a few relationship articles (i.e. Men are from Mars Women are from Venus). I think I've come to the realization that I haven't been a very good girlfriend. This is my first really serious boyfriend, and I just don't think I understood how to be a good girlfriend. Clearly, his lack of communcation hasn't helped much; but all of a sudden I feel like I really did push him away. I mean, we both moved to a new city together and although we are close to family and friends, everyone is an hour's drive away. So, I pretty much plan my days around him. I mean I am excited to be with him, so I guess I figured why not? But, I would wake up and want to spend the time getting ready with him, I'd drop him at work and then text/email/call during the day (only when I had reason to, but still..), then see if he needs a ride home, cook dinner, sit together, talk. When he went to read articles on the computer, I'd take it personally, so I'd start to ask him what he's reading about and stuff. I would always plan my weekends around him - so basically he can never be alone at our place. If he wants to get away, he needs to make plans for himself out of town. The point is, I think I've way invaded his space and I had NO IDEA. Now I feel horrible and I want to tell him all of this, but we're on a break. What if over the break he realizes what a crappy gfriend I've been and doesn't want to give me the chance to prove to him that I FINALLY get why it's been so difficult for us?!?! What do I do?!
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reader, candy00s  +, writes (29 May 2007):
 He needs a bit of space, let him have some space. Tell him you understand and that you hope he still loves you as much as u love him.
He may see that you respect his space, have time to think and come running straight back to.
Let him get his head together.
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female
reader, cnfsdnluv +, writes (29 May 2007):
cnfsdnluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, here's an update: First, a thanks - I really appreciate everyone's answers. And, I know that he really does just need some space. I think I have a tendenacy to take everything too personally. When we talked about everything, he said he did forgive me for my mistakes in the past; but, now, it's the "clinginess" that was irritating him. Which, is sorta weird, cause I really have been keeping to myself and doing my own thing lately - BUT, we do live together so there's really no way to avoid nights together. I think he just needed a break from all of that. I mean, we basically live in a one-room apartment, so...there's not much of a chance to "get away" from each other. I hope this break finally allows him to sort out his issues - AND makes us stronger!
One last question/remark. I accidentally left my cell phone at the apartment when I left. And, I had sent three pretty mean/nasty texts to my guy friend about him. Honestly, it was me lashing out in anger. But, I know he looked at them and now I feel HORRIBLE. I want him to know that that was me being hurt and angry, and not understanding that he just needs some space. Do I find a way to communicate that to him? Or, do I just let everything simmer and be?
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reader, Pretty and proud +, writes (29 May 2007):
 This is a stalling technique give him a week and ONLY a week if he wants to take longer then tell him your moving on and he can come back to you. But dont be easy if he takes longer than a week to come back then make it out like you have to think about it. xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2007): Following on From Yos's advice, I listened to a seminar from Dr John Gray (the author of the book) who went in to great detail about the process in which men can naturally pull away from a women, and that the women should not take that as a sign that the relationship is failing and to become insecure but to realise it is how men can behave and he will naturally return again. Make of that whatever you will, but Gray does seem to be incredably insightful about the nature of relationships and the differences between men and women.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (29 May 2007):
You don't really know unfortunately. That is trust.
But you should work on providing your partners space whilst in a relationship. It's really mental space that someone needs not physical. Guys, when they have problems or are stressed, can often go into a mini-retreat. It's best to leave them alone during that time, and especialy good if you can to lower your emotional demands on them. Not easy to do, especially when you are worrying that they are pulling away! But if you can do it, he'll get his space without needing to avoid you altogether.
The book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' talks about this a lot.
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female
reader, UsuallyConfused +, writes (29 May 2007):
DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONAL!
everyone needs space every now and then. I just had a one week break with my boyfriend, not because I was questioning our relationship, or that I didn't love him but because I just needed some time to myself. It was selfishly about me and had very little to do with him.
Be patient, this is not a break up it really is just a break. If anything it will make your relationship stronger.
Enjoy your week to yourself!!
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reader, DV1 +, writes (29 May 2007):
It seems like he just needs space for a while, and if you love him, you'll respect that. That doesn't mean go and date/sleep with someone else. If you love him wholeheartedly, you will wait for him, unless he says otherwise.
DV1
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2007): Usually when someone in the relationship needs a break, it means theyre heart just isnt in it 100%. I feel that if there are problems in the relationship, they should be worked out between both of them, not one of them needing time alone to think. Thats just not a good sign. It could be hes afraid of a lifetime commitment, or maybe you just arent the one for him. Only he really knows what hes feeling. I dont think i would keep bothering him about his problem. Give him some time, then maybe try later to confront him. Hopefully he'll be open and honest about his feelings. Good Luck!
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