A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So there is a lot of details in this story but I will try to keep it short and only give the facts.- I am 25, He is 32.-I am not American and came to the US 2 years ago. HE is American.-I am not religious, he is practicing Irish Catholic.-He helped me out SO MUCH with many things and he helped me to get a job that I now have so I could stay in the US longer.-He has been taking medication for depression for 3 years now.-We have known each other for 3 months. I know he liked me and he also has a "thing" for international girls (that is what I was told once)Anyways we were not in "relationships" till very recently. We finally kissed 2 weeks ago. We have never had sex. I am experiences in terms of sex and relationships with guys. I do not think he has had much experience with women (it is easy to see by the way he acts). Even thought we finally kissed he still is not very touchy and we do not cuddle or hug or just touch each other as much as 2 people when they like each other and when they are in relationships would. If I was to compare him I would compare him with a 10 years old boy who is very shy and doesnt know if he can or should kiss/touch a girl and he doesnt do it just in case. It is clear to see that he controls himself around me. I have never ever in my life had such a guy who would act like that so I never know what to do. I also realized that sex is a sensitive topic for him and he can't always even take jokes that have some sexual context in them so I completely stopped mentioning sex around him. There is more to it. Another fact: I know his fam, I have been invited to a couple of fam events and I have gone there. He says his fam likes me.Anotehr fact: just recently he was drunk one day and he told me that his fam has a bad history and that they do some illegal things and have always done and he as an older son can not be not involved. THat ever since he was little he learnt to be careful and not trust ppl much and that he never felt comfortable to bring his girlfriends home because his fam would try to get too involved. I will not mention any more details here, but i was shocked. THe reason I was shocked is because you would never ever have thought that he can be involved in anything like that. He comes out as a person who ALWAYS does the right thing. So for me it was like seeing a totally new him that I didnt know of. We started having miscommunication problems and arguments about a week ago. Almost right after we kissed. The last event after which we havent spoken for 2 days now was this:He told me that he was going to go watch a football game after work on Monday and I said that it is ok (I do not like football) that I will be busy after work too and I told him that I was going to have coffee with a guy and that the guy knows I have a BF. He gave me a wierd look and I said "Listen we have only known each otehr for 3 months. If I wanted to do smth bad I wouldnt tell you anything and you wouldnt know. But I am telling you that yes I am having coffee tomorrow after work and the guy I am having coffee with knows that I have a boyfriend" So he goes "WEll you can do whatever" I kissed him and said "call me after the game tomorrow" he said "ok" When I got home I got a txt message: "This is just a little fucked up.Why don't you just start spending time getting to know this coffee guy instead of me? I am not interested in playng around or wasting my time. I doubt you will give it any thought. That is fine. I am just tired of all of this. Sorry. Good luck with it" I basically said that I told him the truth and if he doesnt trust me there is no point in even starting the relationships. He never replied.I felt bad and couldnt sleep that night. In the morning I pulled out our emails and I highlighted the parts of emails where I clearly stated that I wansnt ready for relationships and I highlighted his words where he was saying that he is not really either and that he will always be my friend no matter what. I sent him an email asking him to read it again and give it some thought and get back to me and I said that I am open to a dialog and that I think we both need it because it looks like we are not on the same page. He didnt read the old emails that I highlighted. He sent me an email back that he has no time for it and that he is tired of going back and fourth. He said that he has a totally different views on dating relationships. He said that he wishes me luck in getting married one day with my views on dating and relationships and he said "and do not forget when you start to get to know a guy and he will think that everything is going fine, do not forget to go have coffee with another guy and see how your man will like it" WE havent talked for 2 days after that now. I have been thinking about all that and I know that in a long run it will not work out between us, BUT he is a good person and he has done so many good things for me and I hate the idea that he may be hurt or upset or disappointed with me. I would like to have a dialog with him and stay friends. I wouldnt mind casual relationships (not meaning that I date many men,but meaning that we both know that we are together but it is not for a life time and no one gets offended or jealous) but i do not think he is the type of guy who would go for it. I truly think that the real reason here is that he is an Irish catholic and we never had sex (and it didnt look like we were going to any time soon) and may be he felt like any man is a threat and that I might get something aht he doesnt give me (sex) from somebody else. I am not religious and I love sex. He knows that and may be that is where the insecurity comes from.The bottom line is what should I do to improve our friendship or even keep the door open for him if he agrees to be in casual relationships.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): thank you for your answer!
So how can talk to him and make things between us better? He is hurt and mad at me and I have no idea what is it I can say or do to make him melt down so we could be good friends?
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