A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for almost seven years, and been living together for nine. We went through some rough times early on getting to know eachother, routines, etc. She already had a three year old when we met. Once we got married, not much changed in our lives, except we had sorted out alot of the settling in with each others styles, and life was not bad. Since then, it has been a roller coaster. I had adopted her child, and we have one of our own. I have since landed a great job and we built a new home recently. With the financial market the way it has been this year, the strains are enormous on us. It seems we don't fight, rather its holding grudges for things that are not done or not noticed, all hidden behind fake smiles and fake kisses. I truely feel that we are together through these tough times, and she tells me we are in one breath, and the other breath holds the weight of the worlds problems against me. My days off are few, and the time spent at home each day is minimal, due to work and the commute to/from. I know it's hard, but the money is desperatly needed to keep what we have. There are times I want to step back, but she doesn't want to sacrifice possessions or activities. The off time for me has to be split between recharging/relaxing and spending quality family time. No matter how the ratio is, something gets forgot about, and thats when the fakeness starts. I truely love my wife and family, and I need my time to rest/recharge, but can never do both. Lately I feel she is drifting farther away in her mind and heart, and with money tight, time tight, kids schedules, its extremely hard to get the quality time. When it does happen, it always seems to not be enough. I'm bordeline and almost at the end, don't know how to keep myself sane and my family happily together?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (15 September 2009):
 You two need to step back and see if you can get some help.
First of all, what are your finances really like? Is there a way you can trim them down, or reorganize your debt schedules so that you can get a breather? Maybe the first thing you need to do is talk to a bankruptcy lawyer or something along those lines.
To have this kind of stress wreck your life and your marriage is way too much. Nothing's worth losing the woman you love or breaking up your family.
Second, you need to look at your wife and ask her what her grudges are, and you need to air your own grudges. Do it gently and lovingly; be forgiving and non-judgmental. Just tell her the two of you need to clear the air so that you can start feeling emotionally connected again. Really just look at her that way and tell it to her outright.
This is really horrible! I know what you're going through and this kind of stress is not going to end well.
Third, maybe its just a matter of looking her in the eyes, holding her hand and hugging her and telling her that you're really trying and its hard. Ask her to help you. Really. She loves you and the drift is partly because the two of you are ignoring the most basic needs a couple have. Love and attention.
If you love each other, just looking at her and telling her that you're tired and need her help, maybe she can see that its wearing you thin. That breaks the resentment and helps the two of you look for solutions together.
Even if all you have is a slim amount of time together, leaning on each other is much better than both of you suffering in silence.
That sort of attention and emotional connection, even in bad times, tells her that she's so very important to you right now. If she needs that hug, or she needs the hand-holding, do it for her too. Support each other.
While you're commuting, try calling her by phone if you can and the same during the day. Every bit of attention you give her, and her to you helps. Its just that simple. Communications help so much when people are stressed.
But it seems to me with everything going on, if you two lean on each other and support each other emotionally, the grudges go away so very fast. Forgive each other and try and be close in trying times.
Don't let the two of you drift apart as you'll both regret it and it only hurts more.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): I think you guys are handling it pretty well. Let the tough times pass away with fake smiles and hope that the good times will come soon. This is better than getting into fights, yelling at each other and taking decisions in anger. Time is tesing your relationship. If you can sail through these times somehow, it will last forever. But if this is constantly what is troubling you, it won't harm to discuss it openly and calmly with your spouse.
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