A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:There's this woman that I confessed my feeling to just over a year ago. We were great friends for another year before that. After I confessed, she told me that she didn't feel the same. I accepted that but the friendship didn't survive. We're colleagues in the same office so for the last year or so, it was awkward walking by each other without saying anything. For the last few weeks, we kind of gravitated back to one another and the friendship seems to have been resurrected as if it never was lost before.I think this was because we couldn't stand the tension when around each other anymore. The problem is, I think I'm still attracted to her. I like being her friend but I don't want to be attracted to her anymore if the feelings aren't mutual.I tried going no contact with her before but it only made me miserable when I saw her around the office. I found that going into work wasn't as enjoyable as it was before I met her. Now that we're friends again, I feel better than I was when we weren't. I think I can be satisfied with just friendship but there's always this little voice that says "I want more".My question is, how can I maintain a work friendly environment without falling for her again? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2014): Hi, this is the Original Poster. I agree with cognaclicac that I'm not holding any aggression in and my ego isn't getting in the way. I've been rejected by plenty of women and I move on just fine, mainly because I didn't know them well enough to feel a huge sting.
This women, however, I have known for a year or so before I confessed to her. We've been very close friends. She slept over in my bed with me a couple times so that should tell you how close we were. We just never took it beyond a platonic point.
I DO appreciate the friendship we had/now have again and I don't want to mess it up with my emotions. If I could, I would simply turn these emotions off like a switch just to preserve our friendship. I feel it would be the best route for us. She was dating someone for a short while when we weren't talking. At first I was jealous but I got over it and realized that if she was truly happy with him then I am happy for her. They didn't last though.
I want to keep her as a friend if she doesn't feel any attraction to me. I know it's the painful road and I should probably cut ties once again but this friendship that we have have been more special than any other. Not because I have feelings for her, but because we can simply tell each other anything. She even told me that she was heart broken when she lost me as a friend.
Also, I didn't choose to fall for her. Our hearts go where they want. If I could, I would just reach into my heart and pull her image from it but it's never that simple. And I don't like liking someone I see everyday without saying something to them. I've dated co workers before and some have gone well as in we knew when to hang out and when to have our alone time. I see plenty of other co-workers dating that get it right without any drama. They keep their business to themselves and they are discreet with their relationship. Dating co-workers can be possible if you do it the right way. I've never let that "No dating within the workplace" rule get in the way.
I just wish I could turn these affections off and just look at her in a platonic light.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2014): Rejection has a bitter sting, and it leaves a dent in our ego.
Your crush on the woman has long subsided; but your ego is hurt. Your ego doesn't want to take NO for an answer. That is why there is so much tension. You don't feel comfortable that she doesn't feel the same way, and she was honest about it. Your ego is telling you a lie, that she is implying it's because you're not good enough. You're stuck.
You might as well end the friendship again; only this time for good. This is often where people get it skewed.
Confessing your feelings exposed something you should have kept private. You had little to no evidence she felt the same, and you were searching for an answer. Once you got the answer, you should have worked on withdrawing your feelings.
You didn't, because you resent the rejection so much that you couldn't pull back the feelings. In fact, you're refusing to allow her to tell you that your unworthy.
It's not the woman you want, it's her validation.
It's time to check your ego; and let this go, my friend. You're suppressing your anger; and simultaneously disguising your true feelings as friendship. You took it so personally; that it felt like an insult. It was simple honesty. "How dare she make such a fool of me!" She simply doesn't feel the same. Seeing her every workday reinforces the the sting of her rejection.
When you can't change your feelings, you disassociate and move on. You're suppressing anger; when you should be suppressing your amorous feelings toward her. She is a professional colleague; and that is what you have to teach your subconscious.
She isn't your "frenemy!" She's there to do her job, as are you.
That is why I'm strongly against dating co-workers. It's best to stay professional and keep your feelings to yourself. The discomfort eventually effects morale; and creates tension that will eventually effect productivity.
Time to act your age and focus on your job, my good man.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 June 2014):
 You go out with friend (not her obviously) and met new people. You minimize the time you spend with your "office friend" outside of work.
And you need to start seeing her as an "un-dateble". If it helps, think of her as married. You would have as little of a chance with a faithful married woman, as you do with her. Now you only do that in your head though, because facts are she JUST isn't interested. AND that is OK. Not all woman are going to want to be with you, and YOU are not going to want to be with every woman who might like you.
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