A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My significant other recently broke-up with me, and the underlying and unsaid factor? Why sex, of course, or rather the lack of. EVERY single serious relationship I've ever gotten into has ended because the man was frustrated that I intend on saving my virginity until marriage. Now, I always make it a point to tell them early on in the relationship about this and EVERY single one of them has responded by saying things like "oh, that's great. Good for you," or "I totally respect that," or even "I don't want to pressure you into sex," however, that's exactly what ends up happening. I've done my very best to keep their attention and have even resorted to complete submissiveness and subservitude (in some situations) meaning that I would cook, clean, care, etc. for these men at anyplace, anytime and in more recent cases, buy them expensive, but valued gifts. I've even gone as far as to set some of my own values and convictions aside (concerning sex) and have given them handjobs and sensual massages, but never anything more). I'm tired of becoming these men's doormats that they can just wipe their feet on and throw-out when they get tired of. All I want to know is if any guy out there would appreciate my efforts and doesn't mind if I were to save myself until my wedding night? Should I put out? Is that the only way I'll be able to have a decent relationship in this modern day and age? Should I go after certain types/ages of guys rather than just what I've typically had before (all have been American, like me and in their early 20's-however, each was of a different racial and ethnic background, but I guess that doesn't matter, does it?)? All being said, I'm just a frustrated 20 year old, not so typical American female who still wants to lose my virginity, just at the right time to the right guy. Any advice would help. Thank you.
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hand-job, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): Don't give in
Many guys have problems dealing with a girl's sexual past so not having one is a huge bonus when the man of your dreams marries you.
If guys are honest with themselves the majority would say that they would rather marry a virgin.
Why are you becoming their doormat - you shouldn't have to cook & clean for him! Or buy him expensive presents.
If he's "the one" he'll stick around because he loves your core personality and morals and values - so don't negotiate them.
He should be the one spoiling you.
Stay strong - I admire what you're doing - I'm on the same path!
Remind yourself everyday that you are amazing in every way. Especially if you've gotten this far and stayed a virgin. Raise your standards in men - you deserve it because you are amazing in every way.
Many men who truly love a woman say that she makes him feel like he needs to be a better man.
So raise the bar - make him have to step up to win your heart - whoever he is.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): You need to find a guy who not only respects your values, but also SHARES them...
If it's any encouragement, I know of a couple who dated for 4 years and didn't have sex until their marriage (at 25). They say they are blessed. So don't lose hope!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): I'm over 30 years old and I'd be fine with no sex if you were a virgin and saving it until marriage. If that's your values then I can respect that and leave it be.
But it does need to be your real moral code that you've upheld for me to respect it. I wouldn't wanna date a nonvirgin who has slept with other men outside of marriage and just doesn't want to do it with me now.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 If you look at the archived questions on this site, you'll find dozens from men complaining that they can't reconcile themselves to their wife's/girlfriend's "past." If you stick to your guns, you're not going to have that problem. There are guys out there who will definitely value what you are bringing to the relationship.
Until not all that long ago, dating was for getting to know each others' minds. When that worked well, you would get married and get know each others' body. The only advice I can give you is to find a guy who shares that traditional mindset.
I will add a caveat though -- that traditional approach usually meant courtship of months rather than years.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 April 2010):
 Should you give in? Only if doing so is right for you. It can be difficult where we live in a society where keeping a virginity has not been the norm. There are people out there though, of the opposite sex, who share these values and are saving themselves for the right one as well. I think your values are your treasure, don't compromise them for anyone. Instead of these other guys using you as a doormat, they are only guys who aren't the right one for you. I'm confident you'll find the one. You need to realize, when you do, he's someone who pushes the sex aside and will find real value in you, and no matter how long he'll wait, the wait is well worth it, because sex or no sex, you're the one he chooses to spend his life with as well.
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