A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband does this thing where he will act aloof, distant, angry. Then sometimes after a bout of that he will accuse me of being distant. He will say that I am the one that goes leaves the room when he is the one that leaves when I enter a room. I am trying to learn to not play the blame game. When I ask him if anything is wrong, he seems to use it just to add fuel to his fire. I don't know how to point out that he is the one initiating the distance without saying it in an argumentative way. I reach out to him and it is often followed by a rejection of some sort during these "bouts" of his. I've learned to not take the rejections personally especially when I can kind of predict that he will do a rejection. He is going through something but I can't seem to help him to break through this pattern of his. He has verbalized in the past that he gets bored and he will indicate it is somehow my fault. I've learned from therapy that my own happiness or lack thereof is no one's responsibility but my own and I would imagine that's true for everyone. He also sometimes tries to "bait" me, I guess is the word, by playing on my insecurities. That part too, I've learned not to take personally. My counselor says that it's not in my head and that I've actually tolerated more than most women would tolerate when it comes to his behavior with other women. My counselor said, "You don't have to LIKE IT." Hearing that made me feel quite a bit better so I say that to myself a lot. I've been very open about my feelings about this stuff to my husband in the past so to express it again feels redundant. The fact that he does these behaviors after I've already expressed my concerns about it makes me suspect he's trying to push my buttons and I am simply trying not to react. I'm finding it easier and easier to brush it off and not react but I don't find it easier to initiate affection after my husband puts effort into pushing my buttons. Anybody out there been able to master that? My husband has some mental health issues and is a recovering alcoholic that has difficulty sometimes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I was with him before the head injury and the surgery. The alcohol use was on hiatus I GUESS when I started going with him and married him.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 July 2014):
 He had head trauma? A brain injury? May I ask if you were with him before his alcoholism and/or the TBI?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOH and my counselor made it perfectly clear. She told me "You have to decide what your boundaries are...What you can handle...what you cannot handle...what you will put up with...what you will not put up with.' I love my counselor because she is not afraid to even yell at me when I am being dense. I love my husband and I was fully aware of some of his mental issues from addiction and subsequent head injury/surgery. I myself have to make sure to not go through anything alone which is why when I am puzzled with how find solutions for things or how to cope, I reach out. I am not in any distress really. I am just trying to learn a different or more effective way to communicate with my husband and hopefully help him through the times he too is having trouble coping with life. Thank you EVERYONE for your input. You guys are great.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I better clarify. He doesn't do this behavior all the time. I'd say it's at the most once or twice a month. I am no shrink but from what I have learned recovery from alcoholism is a rough ride and addicts can struggle with temptation and even "slip" as they call it. I guess it is why it is so important to go to meetings. If I made it sound like this was a daily thing, I apologize.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 July 2014):
Did you ever hear about 'gaslighting'? Something about the way you describe your husband's tactics suggests he's manipulating you in this negative way.
You say no one's perfect and you're right but why would you want to spend your life with someone who is downright mean? Your description of his behavior makes it sound like he's one of those toxic people, an energy vampire.
Have you decided how much of this you will take before it's time to call it quits? I know you say you want to find a solution but unless he's actively participating in finding the solutions you are wasting your goodwill and energy on him....
Look up gaslighting and narcissism. You may find yourself surprised to see you are not the only one dealing with this...
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2014): I cannot speak for anyone but myself. You wrote a post because you feel something is off-balance in your relationship. It is not the place of a counselor nor anyone here on DC to tell you what to do. It's up to you to make decisions.
I responded to your post only to suggest that you listen to your counselor; but to also understand and utilize the advice you are given.
If you can no longer see your counselor on a regular basis; that leaves you to use your own judgment. It also leaves you to analyze the information and advice you've already been given and put it to use.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband is sober and goes to AA but just like the rest of us he is not perfect. My counselor believes strongly that it is not right for her to tell any of her clients to divorce someone because that is a personal decision. She also got very upset with me when I referred to his behaviors as a "game". My counselor is the one that made me realize that people don't always behave in passive aggressive ways consciously. I do seek advice from my counselor along with this site and other outlets in how to be more assertive because as my counselor says, it never hurts to have multiple sources of support and help. I see her to work on my own behavior because I cannot change anyone else's behavior. I don't want to assume that I am not contributing to the issues in my marriage. It takes two to tangle and rather than trying to blame or figure out fault, I would like to figure out how to find solutions. I don't want to keep doing the same things and expect different outcomes. I DO love what my counselor tells me. I like her because she doesn't just tell me what I want to hear. That's my favorite part about her. Unfortunately I cannot see her as often because she is no longer in my hometown. Thanks for the advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): Your husband seems to be playing a very unfair and nasty game. He knows you're getting therapy; so he tries to flip things around to mock you and make you look foolish; or as though you don't know what you're talking about.
Perhaps whatever problems you're seeing a counselor for might be causing some of your marital problems; but I think you don't really listen to the professional advice.
If your mind is too preoccupied during session; and you're not really paying close attention to the true meaning of what the counselor is saying to you. You're too distracted, or avoiding things you don't like to hear.
What your husband is doing sounds like passive-aggressive behavior. You should discuss this behavior with your counselor. Maybe he or she, will suggest some material you might read; or give you some advice how to deal with it.
We can't offer you professional-counseling here.
I say your husband avoids owning any responsibility for anything he does by attributing everything to your misinterpretation. Implying you to be "the one with all the problems." This is a bit mean and underhanded.
What do you think your counselor was telling you by mentioning you've put up with more than other women?
I would have interpreted that to mean I'm allowing it to happen to me, being a willing victim. If he treated me like he treats you, sister I'd be out of there. I wouldn't let him do that to me over and over; making me all the more frustrated. Write down things you want to address to your counselor, and bring them up when under therapy. Stay on point. Ask specific questions regarding your husband's behavior toward you; instead of bringing it here.
You came to DC maybe because you don't like what your counselor tells you. I think that is where you'll get the best advice. No matter what we tell you here.
It seems almost pointless to be receiving therapy alone; your husband isn't proactive in your healing. It boggles the mind how you can articulate his behavior so carefully; yet tolerate and dismiss obvious cruelty?
You trivialize it all down to almost just playfulness; and think burying your head in the sand, and pretending it's nothing makes it easier to live with.
He's appears to be playing your insecurities against you. It's time you consider whether your marriage is good for your mental-health. I think your counselor has given you some tough advice and you came here looking for counter-advice. We don't do that here.
Invite your husband to sit through counseling sessions with you. You both should be getting help, not just you. He's undoing any progress you make. Yes, your happiness is in your hands. Ask yourself if being with that man makes you happy?
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 Talk about ental abuse..you've got a case of that! It sounds almost childish in a funny sort of way. like a kid trying to get attention. Like a little kid going on and on about a pet peeve then saying "no I dn't say it, you did! I do believe you have one for the books. I wish you luck and aboatload ofpatience. You're going to need it.
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