A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi agony aunts,I never know how to start these so I think I'll just go right into the problem. My girlfriend seems to have a self-esteem problem when it comes to being my girlfriend and doing the right thing for me and for us. It's starting to affect our relationship and it's scaring me.Her background is pretty sad. Over the time we've dated she's told me more and more of her past and opened up to me on some really serious matters that I don't even want to post here, but I can say that basically most of the important people in her life have never really cared about *her*. Her family expected her to be an over-achiever, and would show disappointment or punish her for anything less than straight A's. If she didn't want to volunteer for some cause her parents wanted her to, especially if the reason was because she wanted to see a friend, it was reason to be grounded. Since she came from a small town, her parents had a lot of influence around town, and would enroll her in extracurriculars without even asking her first, and if she tried to withdraw, she'd get disappointment from not only her parents but from the people who ran the events and so on. Basically she was expected to be something she doesn't want to be. She's extremely intelligent but she has said she just wants to be a smart yet normal person, not one of these stuck up snobby people.On top of that, since she always had to turn friends down because of the expectations on her, she never had any real friends. All of her major friends from childhood have ditched her saying she isn't reliable, she's snobby, etc. (Exactly what she doesn't want to be!) As an adult she's made friends but she feels they're making friends with the "her that she has to put forward and has had to forever" and not the "real" her, but yet she's afraid to show the "real" her because nobody in the past "ever liked it" (except me).Now here comes me. I saw through her "act" and showed her early on that I wanted the real her, even when we were just friends. I knew this was a minor problem early on but as time's gone by and she's opened up more I've realized how deep the problem runs. She admitted at one point that this was part of her attraction towards me - that I showed an interest in her as well - but that as we've gotten closer and started dating and so on that she's found so much more to like about me.The problem is, I do love her more than anything and I want to give her everything a good boyfriend reasonably can. She knows this but she seems to have two problems: 1. she's scared that if she screws up even a little that I might ditch her like her friends always have, and 2. she doesn't feel she deserves to be loved the way I love her. Since I even was friends with her I always have showed concern for her feelings and needs, and in her own words, she's "so not used to that, and doesn't know how to process it." Sometimes she does do things that hurt me, and she knows it, for example having to stand me up because of sickness or family emergencies, and she says it makes her guilty feelings about being a bad girlfriend even worse.The real climax of this is that she came really close to breaking up with me a couple weeks ago. What she said amounted to "I don't want to lose you, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I am so f**ked up and I can't accept your love, and it's not fair to you to give to me what I can't accept." I reassured her that I know she needs time to work through her feelings and that I'd do anything I can to help her even if it means helping her find professional help. This only seemed to worsen her feelings: "See? You want to *help* me... I don't understand why." After thinking we actually were through, I got ready to leave her place, obviously upset, and eventually she says "What's wrong with me..I can't leave you, I should know better, I just don't know why I can't be better for you, and see? I almost dumped you, this proves how bad I am!"It's worth noting that this whole thing occurred during her "PMS" stage, so I think it's fair to chalk at least a bit of it up to that (she had been emotional for no obvious reason all day) but still...Aside from this she really is a great girl. Sure she's not perfect but I don't expect perfection from anybody, and I love all of the good things about her. We share a lot in common, and when we're together (and not upset) we laugh and talk like old friends, and I feel completely comfortable around her. I feel there is so much going for this relationship and I really do love her to death and I don't want to lose her over something like this. This problem is not constant - it tends to happen only when something goes wrong for us, like when she has to stand me up because of something, or when she can't do something for me that she knows I'd like. As much as some things hurt, I love her enough to see through it and weather the bad times with her simply because I do love her. I wish there was something I could say or do to help her realize that she is worth something, and that she does deserve what I want to give to her, and that she doesn't need to feel guilty or afraid. I've basically tried to give her some simple advice, like, "try to be a bit more aware of your feelings when you're on PMS...maybe at those times we should not discuss anything heavy and if we are hanging out just do something relaxing and stress-free." When she's not upset, she loves these ideas, but when she gets upset she seems to not be able to help feeling the way she does. Any advice?... Please help...Thanks
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female
reader, anonabuss +, writes (3 August 2012):
I think you have a girl who is still trying to sort things out for herself. The good news is that she knows she has a problem and obviously is sane & honest enough to open up to you about it. You know all her good qualities that make you love her for who she is. So, ask yourself, do you really want to leave all that or is it all too much?
She is still at a very vulnerable stage where she loves you AND doesn't want you to be in her muddle. So, it's up to you to make a decision to either stick-with/support her while she goes to counseling (hopefully she will agree) or you can leave if you don't want to endure any of that.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (2 August 2012):
dont give up on her, Im sure she is s good person and you are an awesome guy for seeing her for the person she is and not what her parents have tried to create her to be. counselling/therapy will be the best option, it will help her no end. good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2012): I suggest your girlfriend get some counselling. She is the only person who can sort herself out, with help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2012): What you are seeing is only the tip of the iceberg. If she doesn't learn how to prioritize, and compromise she could have a nervous breakdown.
Just because she became more emotional while pms-ing, doesn't mean that hormones are the only thing to blame. PMS often causes stressful situations to seem completely hopeless.
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