A
female
age
41-50,
*winkletoes30
writes:Its me, again. Crickey, my life is really complicated these days! Im not usually like this, just the past few months have been crazy. Well, im happy now, in a relationship with a new man, (the same man of the last post!). However.... next week is the first anniversary of the death of his last girfriend. And i dont know what to do, how i can help him, should i stay away and leave him to grieve? I knew this girl, she was my friend, and i spent a lot of time with A in the months after her death, just listening. He finally asked me out, and said he was ready. But the past week hes got really quiet, and im sure its cos of the anniversary approaching. Just wondering what you think i should do?? Should i talk to him? Let him bring up the subject? Just be there? I dont want him to think that my silence (if i say nothing) that i dont care, or im uspet by his sadness. (im not, i understand he lost a woman he loved, and accept he will always have feelings for her). Really worried about him, to b honest. He went totally off the rails when she died (at her own hands), and i dont want him to go backwards - i want him to move forward, with me beside him!
View related questions:
anniversary Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (27 August 2008):
 Hi there, Thanks for responding. Stay in touch with him, keep trying to draw him out. If he is really depressed, Omega-3 is a good natural substance to held stop the depression, recommended by a good doctor, whose patients were helped greatly by it. Research it for yourself to find out more. Take care.
A
female
reader, twinkletoes30 +, writes (27 August 2008):
twinkletoes30 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I want to thank everyone for their kinds words, and for sharing their experiences with me. I realise that your personal loss is much more extreme than my situation, and really appreciate you all taking the time to offer advice. Tomorrow is THE day... and he HAS become more withdrawn as the week as progressed, but i told him that i understood, would be hear for him if and when he needed me. He was really grateful, and although he has gone into himself totally (even took the week off work) i think he knows he can trust me to be there. Thanks again for all your help. xxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008): Dear Poster
I can relate to this; yeah, it is not easy to be in your position; I have lost first my husband and then my live-in boyfriend of five years; both suddenly and traumaticly; yes, I have had counceling to learn how to deal and cope with it;
BUT
every year as those dates draw nearer, yeah, I think and I mourn; it does get better with time, not because the pain eases, but because you learn how to cope with it; however, every year i do need my special time, I call it my "me" time; to think of them; pay respect to them; and then I don;t like to be nagged or "bugged"; once I have done what I felt I needed to do; I am fine; it is something I cannot tell my partner, but he cannot share my feelings or my"special" quiet time; it is private; I normally expect my partner to allow me those few minutes;
I suggest you be there for him, but don't interfere, allow him to mourn and grief and be sure he will come back; just allow him that little time to pay respect, think back; and then to get back to reality.
I assure you it does get easier with time; year one was "hell", now 8 years later, vow, it is so much easier.
DO understand that he loves you and that you are his life now, but that is something of his past that will always be part of his life; it is not a threat to you or your relationship; so allow him the space to acknowledge the loss and to pay respect to what they shared;
Please believe me, I am talking from personal experience; if anybody had to try and stop me from paying respect to my loved ones I have lost, it will be an instant disaster; yes, I have moved on, and yes I am happy, but there are times and moments, I need just that little privacy to pay tributes and respect to those who have been in my life, for the way they touched my life and then I am free again to move on;
Oh, let me be quiet; All I can say or suggest, be very understanding, give him time and space; the person that is gone is not a threat to you; allow him his memories and be there when he bounce back; hug him and give him lots of love and SMILES.
...............................
A
female
reader, jess.eva  +, writes (23 August 2008):
I think you are a very understanding person, being able to comprehend that he will always have feelings for her and that you need to help him through this time in his life shows your are very caring. He is lucky to have you. As to the actual question, i think all you can do is be there for him. Give him opportunities to bring it up, if he chooses to, then listen and respond with care, but if he chooses not to, then just make sure he knows that you are always there for him if he decides he wants to talk. You said she was your friend aswell, sorry for your loss.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (23 August 2008):
Hi there, This is a very tricky situation, as time goes on it will be a little better for him. My thought is that you do everything you can prior to this anniversay to make him laugh as much as possible, or at least smile, do things that would make him happy, sports game attendance, whatever he likes. On the actual day, I would see if he wants to go someplace for dinner, and just let him talk, I would not bring it up, but just be there for him as an ear, listen, and respond accordingly, no happy talk just respond to him talking. As long as he does not resist, don't let him be alone on the actual date. After the actual date, I would then ease him into doing something that tries to take him to another place mentally, something that you like to do that you want him to attend or be with you. This will take time, but I would not dwell on it with him, he should lead the way and you just bring up the rear. You don't want to make it too much for him to take. He needs to move on gradually, and dwelling on the date is not going to do that. Good luck and stay in touch.
You might want to purchase some of his favorite music, after the date is over, to help him get back to enjoying life. Take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (23 August 2008):
 As someone who has lost two wives and a fiancee, I can tell you that the one-year anniversary is really tough. Hell the FIVE year anniversary is really tough. But one year is murder.
Everybody is different, and every loss is different. At this stage, what a lot of people need is mostly somebody to just listen to them, but that's not universally true.
I think your best bet is to tell him directly that you know he is going through a very difficult period, and that you want to be sure that he knows that you are always available and eager to be there for anything that you can do to help. Once he's gotten that message, let him be, and trust him to reach out for help if he needs it. It's hard ... you want to do more. But you need to trust him.
I hope that he had the good sense to get at least some professional counseling after her death, because a loss like that always leaves the surviving partner with self-doubt about whether or not there might have been some way they could have prevented the death. If he didn't, you might want to suggest that this might be a good time to see a grief counselor because he's carrying more of a burden than he really needs to be carrying. That's a really good way to start, if he hasn't already, on the road to moving forward with you.
...............................
|
