A
female
age
41-50,
*pplejaxxx
writes:My husband is bipolar and has left his family including me (his wife) 3 children from me and 2 from his first marriage. He has taken off to another province to go to a friends. He says he is not coming back and he can't be with me anymore. He has a 5month old and a 2 and half year old that are the newest additions. He is very close to the 2 and a half year old. I have in past had to call police to pick him up because he seemed suicidal. He spent 2 weeks in hospital. We have been through being homeless, moving to another province, moving back, we have lived in 12 place in 12 years. I have a 12 year old daughter who is also on medication and is a huge handful. I visited him in hospital everyday he was there. I have laid in bed with him when he was depressed and said he didn't love me and told him over and over again that I knew he didn't mean what he said and that I loved him anyway.He always blames me for everything. Everything is my fault from the littlest thing to the biggest unless he has someone else to blame. I love him with all my heart and don't want to give up on our future. I know he loves me too. He just can't see it right now. He said it is too hard to be with me I get mad to easily and yell which I very rarely do. I can count on one hand in 10 years. He makes me sound like I am always swearing and yelling. He sleeps all day or is up all night playing video games. I get up with the kids take care of house and make his day as pleasant as possible. He has't worked in a long time and blames me and our situation saying he feels like he is in a jail with no ambition. That I make him feel that way. I listen to his problems I am sympathetic compasionate and when I am wrong (sometimes I say it anyway to smooth things over) I admit I am wrong and apologize. I do all the cooking cleaning, laundry, etc. I try to change things for him that he doesn`t like that I also don`t mind changing for myself He hardly helps around the house. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5.Before the littlest ones came I worked full time and he worked whenever he could not often cause he always crashed and lost his job. He has now left and has been gone for 2 weeks. He has not been on his medication in 3 weeks . He says he doesn't need it where he is going. I talk to him everyday for the first week he would not tell me he loved me... then he did and I was happy for a couple days talking about us fixing things and him coming home. He said he was going to make money out there and come back to help us get into a bigger house (we have 3 kids in a 2 bedroom duplex)That is why we have so much stress I believe. He then had a fight with his sister and she calls me to tell me not to believe a word he says and to leave him. I call him he won't talk yet so I wait as usual until he is ready to talk. Then yesterday night he told me he could not be with me anymore he can't handle it. I tell him he can't abandon the children. They did nothing wrong. but he doesn't see it that way he is selfish. He then says he want to move me and the children out there to live by him so he can see the kids but not live with me or be with me. My heart is broken shattered. Why does he act like he doesn`t love me anymore. He said it was cause we had a fight before he left and because I got mad and yelled and because I can`t see the signs when to do what. I am so confused with how to deal with the situation I love him so much I want to spend the rest of my life with him and our children. His mom says he needs to crash out there and that the fight with sister brought back for him our fight before he left. He said the decision of not being with me was made before he left but it doesn`t make sense cause of the way he was talking. My husband does not lie and would never cheat on me. I am so worried because he is not on his medication and doesn`t take it. I fear it will get worse out there. He has threatened to leave us before but this is the first time he actually did it. How do I help my bipolar husband realize he loves and misses his family and wants to be here with us please help me I don`t know what to do I don`t want to suffocate him but I want him to see that we care and love him and want him home please please help me
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ambition, depressed, lost his job, money, video games Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CnC1983 +, writes (4 December 2012):
I am wondering how things are now. My husband is pushing me away during a mental break. I want to be there for him but he won't let me. He is currently seeking treatment and is getting ready for discharge but I am 2000 miles from him and thats not helping. We have two children together and he is not pushing them away or his parents. I am very hurt but want to more forward and work on our marriage.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 June 2012):
 i really feel for you. As he is not taking his meds all his words, thoughts, actions, decisions are distorted and affected by his lack of proper medication. So he is clutching at straws. His words are those of a man who is ill.
Try not to take his words personally. He is not himself. He is not well.
Keep on encouraging him. You are being very kind.
However he desperately needs proper medical attention. And it is likely that he is depressed.
Keep on reminding him how much everyone loves him. Misses him.
And see if his other sister or his friends with him will help too.
Try to stay positive. It is heart breaking, I know. And get support for you too.
Regards
Abella
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A
female
reader, applejaxxx +, writes (26 June 2012):
applejaxxx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the links abella. I have not got a chance to look at them yet but I will. I did however talk to him this afternoon. I told him I was sorry for the police . I said I was sorry for telling him what he should do and not realizing that he can not cope with all of that right now and that I will be strong enough for both of us right now. I told him I was going to go to anger management and complete that. I said I would also take a course or something on bipolar and how to deal with bipolar. I said I would get the children onto a good schedule (he has a problem aparently that I did not fix with everything going on schedule). I said I would keep the house in perfect order and keep it up (he has a problem cause of mess which I try to keep up with but with 3 children it is very hard in a 2 bedroom). I said it may take months maybe even a year but I was willing to do all that for us and our family because I truly believe we are meant for eachother. I told him I would show him and prove it to him. He then said that it was good that I wanted to do that and that he was only trying to make things happen but i think he called me a catalyst saying it takes too much to make me change. He said he is too scared to be pushed to the point and is scared he will crack if he is if we get into another argument of that callaber. He said I should not think that what I was doing would change the fact that we can not be together . He said he can not take the chance that it would happen again.I said he will see me change so that he is sure that I would not get mad like that. That that is why I was going to get support so that does not happen. I then told him that it is okay that he feels this way and that in time I know that he will see the change and want to come home and be with me and his children. He said his love for me diminished over time. I said I understand but I do not beliee it. I said I know deep inside that the love you have for me is still there. That he just can not see it right now because he is hurt. I said that it would be different if we did not click so well had problems with other factors sexually, or did not reallly truly love each other . I said but this is different this is worth saving the good really does out way the bad you just can not see it now. He did not say any thing in return to that so I took it as a good sign. I love you with all of my heart and right now if I have to I will work hard enough for both of us while he is not strong enough. That I believe in us and I know deep down he does too. I had made him a video with all the pictures and his favorite song playing and sent it to him he got it yesterday and watched it today and loved it. He shattered my heart even worse when he said his love for me diminished. He said also something like what ever the reason I will change will be for the best no matter what the outcome. He said he has no faith in our relationship . He also said that he has no interest to divorce me and no interest in marriage with me. His friend out there is divorced and has a good relationship with his x they joke etc.He wants me to bne there and have that. I said I was not interested in that cause I love him it was totally different cause we love eachother. He said nothing. Now when I told him that I was sorry but had no intention to move the kids or me and rip their life away to move there to live seperately and have no hope. I said I know we are meant to be together and will be someday and that I would be waiting for him to come around until the day I die. I said with that said I will always tell you I love you and I do not expect it back I know and understand you can not deal with it right now and do not expect him to I know in my heart he loves me and I will not question that. and I then let him go saying I will talk to him when he calls this evening (he callls to talk to the children mostly and seems to like to make it known it hurts me)and that I had to get back to the kids cause the schedule is in process. Why does it seem like he wants to hurt me. Oh and he also said something int he conversation when I asked him to take his pills that there was no such thing as bipolar and that it is a 5 star box. if your box does not shine then the government thinks you need medication.An d that the only thing that is needed is people finding the right jobs so they want to get up and have ambition. I breaks my heart to hear him like this. He said he does not need his meds that if he did he would take them. I try to be all positive on the phone. I hate feeling so helpless.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 June 2012):
Oops I messed up one
here it is again:
http://www.ontario.cmha.ca/about_mental_health.asp?cID=7596
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 June 2012):
Hi applejaxxx
Here are some links that you may find useful as most are Canada specific. The ones that are not may also provide you with useful information, because Schizophrenia exists across the whole world.
http://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/understanding-mental-illness/schizophrenia/
http://www.ontario.cmha.ca/about_mental_health.asp?cID=7596
http://camimh.ca/about-mental-illness-and-mental-health/schizophrenia/
http://overcomingschizophrenia.blogspot.com.au/
http://heretohelp.bc.ca/publications/factsheets/schizophrenia
Respite:
http://www.bcss.org/2012/04/branches/bcss-provincial/fraser/respite-program-testimonials/
And finally the big one:
http://eros.lunarpages.com/~openpo2/cumberlandcountychapter.ssns/szref1.pdf
Hope this helps a little
regards
Abella
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 June 2012):
Hi applejaxxx
No one will ever suggest it is easy trying to support a loved one suffering this cruel cruel illness.
Forgive yourself for your reactions.
I was lucky in that my parents in law gave me huge support to help me care for him.
All I ever wanted was for him to get well.
But wanting and loving your man is not always enough.
And self medicating with marijiana (without his regular medication) will make things worse. But he will not want to accept that fact right now.
His Mom has already abandoned him emotionally and he no longer has his Dad to provide him with emotional support. This Underlines why there is so much pressure on you. And you can't abandom him and would not consider that as he is the father of your children and you love him and he loves you.
That is why you also need some Counselling to provide you with the additional support you need.
I do hope his other sister is willing to work with you and provide him with some human comfort by listening to him or just sitting with him to slowly encourage him to get some good medical care.
When he is well again he will see that you did your best. He will KNOW that you love him and that you care. He will see that TRUTH eventually. Do not worry at this point. You have enough on your plate and een if he blames you, while he is ill, when he is better he will understand that he mis-judged you when his illness has been at the worse stage.
He has a right to a better life. He deserves a better life. But he thinks he deserves zilch. Because he is so down on himself. For NO good reason other than that he has an illness over which he currently has poor control, Because he is not taking his medication. It is a terrible cycle when it is at the lowest point, when he is not taking his medication and is self medicating. He is not himself at that point and he is not thinking clearly.
Please stop blaming yourself in any way. You have children to look after. You have an ill twelve year old child who is also very very vulnerable. And your man just cannot cope with it all.
OK, you threatened to call the Police. Apologise to him and tell him you are sorry for doing that. But you truly were so frightened and worried about him.
Reassure him that you will seek out options that support him. He is a very sick man. You know he is not a criminal in any way. But in the heat of the moments emotions can rise up like molten lave. Be much more FORGIVING of you.
I am not convinced that the Police are properly equipped to deal with people who are suffering this illness. But I truly truly DO UNDERSTAND that you were hurting so very very much at the time. You must not dwell on this. Apologize and get back to supporting him.
Encourage him gently and regularly to please see a Doctor.
Ask his other sister to work with you and give him the same message.
It may take another week or two but keep it calm, no blaming, no yelling. Just patiently try to keep on encourging him to see a proper Doctor and get some Proper Medication.
And if you can get the Doctor to put him into a temporary facility to stabilise his medication and get him off the weed then that would be the best option.
But even just getting him home to you and good care would at least get him to safety and a Good person who cares and who will do everything to keep him safe.
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A
female
reader, applejaxxx +, writes (26 June 2012):
applejaxxx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much abella I appreciate it. I really needed to hear all of that.I was in tears.
I did however forget to mention a couple things... He is 33 and his dad died from i think prostate cancer 10 years ago. He can`t stand his mom cause she pushes and prods him. He was diagnosed at 15 with bi polar. He is from a jehovah witness family and he is disfelowshipped meaning he can now he can not talk to his family that is jehovah witness including his mom so they do not talk very often. Usually through me. That leaves him 2 sisters out of 5 that he can talk to. One is distant in their relationship (She is 10 years older) and the other one is close to where he is now in location.
He also divorced his wife 10-11 years ago. I was not involved. I met him after fact. and he still to this day blames her for everything in that relationship. She was aparently yelling all the time, a drunk, spent all their money, the list goes on. I actually have defended her in arguments sometimes cause he likes to judge everyone but doesn not see that he does it.I am terrified that he will blame me forever and never forgive me. Oh and the argument we had before he left (I have never said it before) but I said I would call the police because he would not leave the room downstairs and was swearing at me. I do not usually ever tell him what to do but I was in a bad mood and kinda was fed up so I did not want him to mess up the bags in the room so he could sit and play his games and hide from the world. I only nicely asked him to play in the bedroom upstairs. (games system in every room) He swore at me which he never usually does and I swore back which I do not usually do. anyways the point is that he brought it up last night when he told me we could not be together and said because I threatened to call the police he could not also be with me because he did not want to go to jail. or something like that.Oh and he does self medicate sometimes with marijuana. He also had planned to visit his friend a couple months ago but we did not have the money. He was going to go for 3 months until I had everything fixed here (12 year old daughter huge problems) getting the kids on a good schedule etc. He was also going to kinda fix himself while he was gone in the way of getting up working, getting used to cleaning up after himself, etc. So that might have been building up too. I do not know I guess I am trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. I try hard to look from his point of view
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A
female
reader, applejaxxx +, writes (26 June 2012):
applejaxxx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much abella I appreciate it. I really needed to hear all of that.I was in tears.
I did however forget to mention a couple things... He is 33 and his dad died from i think prostate cancer 10 years ago. He can`t stand his mom cause she pushes and prods him. He was diagnosed at 15 with bi polar. He is from a jehovah witness family and he is disfelowshipped meaning he can now he can not talk to his family that is jehovah witness including his mom so they do not talk very often. Usually through me. That leaves him 2 sisters out of 5 that he can talk to. One is distant in their relationship (She is 10 years older) and the other one is close to where he is now in location.
He also divorced his wife 10-11 years ago. I was not involved. I met him after fact. and he still to this day blames her for everything in that relationship. She was aparently yelling all the time, a drunk, spent all their money, the list goes on. I actually have defended her in arguments sometimes cause he likes to judge everyone but doesn not see that he does it.I am terrified that he will blame me forever and never forgive me. Oh and the argument we had before he left (I have never said it before) but I said I would call the police because he would not leave the room downstairs and was swearing at me. I do not usually ever tell him what to do but I was in a bad mood and kinda was fed up so I did not want him to mess up the bags in the room so he could sit and play his games and hide from the world. I only nicely asked him to play in the bedroom upstairs. (games system in every room) He swore at me which he never usually does and I swore back which I do not usually do. anyways the point is that he brought it up last night when he told me we could not be together and said because I threatened to call the police he could not also be with me because he did not want to go to jail. or something like that.Oh and he does self medicate sometimes with marijuana. He also had planned to visit his friend a couple months ago but we did not have the money. He was going to go for 3 months until I had everything fixed here (12 year old daughter huge problems) getting the kids on a good schedule etc. He was also going to kinda fix himself while he was gone in the way of getting up working, getting used to cleaning up after himself, etc. So that might have been building up too. I do not know I guess I am trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. I try hard to look from his point of view
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 June 2012):
It sounds like you can been giving him all the compassion and love in the world. He needs that and truthfully he needs you too.
But he also takes things out on you and that is hard for you. But you are kind and loving and compassionate enough to know that he does not mean those nasty things he says.
In a kind voice without anger and without any raised voices it is OK to be honest with him. Tell him how hurt you feel when he unjustly blames you. Don't go on and on. But make it clear that you will be there for him. That you love him as he loves you - which means a lot.
And you DO understand that he is too ill to be the man you love at the moment. He is very ill. And he may not be taking his medication so things will only get worse.
If he is not taking his medication he will also be confused.
And very likely he thinks he is doing you a favour. In his current ill state he may justify his actions as the best thing he can do to avoid you having to deal with his problems
He will be blaming himself for all that goes wrong.
He may be seriously depressed.
If you can do get more support for you.
If your husband had a heart problem, where the Doctor said he needed hospital and bed rest then you would know he was ill and you would know that he could not run a marathon.
If your husband was in renal failure and he was sent to have dialysis you would know that he would be very tired and exhausted and you would not recommend that he try to do hard physical labour.
Your husband's brain is not well. He has chemical imbalances that require urgent and regular medication. And he needs hours of counselling support. He may even need a stay in hospital while he is considering anything more drastic.
Your husband needs professional medical support.
He may even consider self medication which is also dangerous in his current state.
You alone cannot fix this. You can suggest. You can recommend. You can even try to get him to aqccept some support. It is very very sad. I have been where you are now. You must not blame yourself.
But trying to appeal to your husband in respect to what he ought to do or must do or must not do is asking too much of him.
You can listen to his feelings. And respond without judgement. I learned early on to respond to his feelings and gently try to bring him around to acceptance that he could trust my words.
He cannot think rationally while he is so ill.
Protect you and your children. They need you and they rely on you. Yes it is exceptionally sad and governments do not provide enough support for those suffering this very difficult illness and even less for the families worried sick about their loved relative with this illness.
No one is to blame for a person getting this illness. It happens. People do often improve little by little with hours of good professional therapy and regular medicatin.
If he sees visions or hears voices he would be terrified at that point. Only medication can address these issues.
If he is drawn to people who tell him to stop using his medication then he will become even more at risk of serious depression and at risk of making decisions that could harm him.
He will be consumed with guilt at leaving you and his family but he cannot cope at the moment as he is so ill.
He DOES miss his family terribly. He DOES love you and he DOES love his children. But he has convinced himself that he does not belong with you, only because he is so ill.
He thinks by moving somewhere else that his illness will magically disappear, but of course this is not true.
He needs a Doctor, not the Police. and he needs a regular Doctor who gets to know his needs, his fears and the things that can make it better with the right medication mix.
He does not want sympathy. He already feels bad enough as it is. He is overwhelmed by his illness.
He DOES need your empathy and understanding of how frightened and lost he is feeling right now.
Do you know the people he is well enough to ask them to get him to a Doctor urgently?
He is not going to be able to make it home to you alone. That is far too much to ask. But if a Doctor (where he is) can stablise him then you may be able to get one of his friends to bring him back home.
But if none of the friends will help him to see a Doctor nor will help to bring him home then they are not worthwhile friends at all.
And as you have family it will probably be impossible for you to make the journey to achieve all the above, when he is far away.
Explain to your children that a part of Daddy is ill at the moment and that he is not himself. The children must not blame themselves for his illness. Reassure them that Daddy is so ill that he is not himself. But that he truly loves them.
You are realistic enough to know that you may lose him. But just try to do your best to support him all the way.
You really do need other people to help you. Family who care. A Doctor who cares. A Counsellor for your husband who cares. You cannot do this all alone as it is too big a burden on anyone.
Seek out some support for you too.Looking after a loved one with this illness can result in good outcomes sometimes and other times it is heartbreaking. That is why you too should seek some counselling to help you.
Your own health is VERY VERY important as the family depend on you. So please also try to be extra kind to you through this very trying time.
My Very Best Wishes to you
Regards
Abella
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