A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife has always had issues with sex in our marriage. There were times when she enjoyed it, but never really any times when she really let go. For instance, she doesn't like oral sex (giving or receiving). She doesn't like to kiss very much. She doesn't like foreplay and cannot stand cuddling or pillowtalk afterwards. (She wants to go straight to sleep.) She rarely initiates (maybe twice that I can remember). Overall, she is a bit of a cold fish in bed who tends to lie there still - even when she has an orgasm (which is not that common, but it happens).I figured maybe it was just her style and that she is more shy and conservative, but over time she stopped enjoying sex entirely. She called it gross and disgusting. Sometimes if I initiated she would cry or yell at me and occasionally during these episodes she would say things like: "Don't come to me pretending to be all sweet and then be an asshole like [person's name she was related to through her mom's step-dad]." This set off a red flag for me. I suspected that maybe she was raped or abused by this person (a boy a couple of year older than her.) She told me in the past that he was mean and that if she ever saw him again she would kick his ass. I even asked her point blank if anything had ever happened to her and she denied it.She did tell me that a man once followed her in a car in the parking lot at her condo complex when she was sixteen, but that she managed to run away to her condo. She also told me (before we were a couple and we were just friends) about a one night stand she had with a guy she had a crush on for years and was very attracted to. She told me that they both got drunk and that they fooled around a little (consensually) before he got on top of her and raped her, but some of that story doesn't make sense because she also told me that he came (prematurely) when she started licking his neck. This doesn't sound like something a girl being raped (even date-raped) would do.Anyway, I am not really sure what happened. It's possible that any, all, or none of these episodes involved sexual abuse. The key point here is that I would occasionally (as in once every few years) ask her if she was sexually abused and she always denied it. However, this last time I asked her she admitted to me that she was indeed sexually abused. She didn't say anything more than that. She didn't cry or seem too shaken by the admission. She said she has never had therapy for it and never told anyone else. What do I, as the spouse, do now? Do I ask her about it? Do I tell her that I am here to talk about it if she wants to? Do I insist that she get therapy? Do I just let the subject alone?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): Get counseling help. Don't stop with one if it doesn't work. Be patient as Hell. Print this posting out. Let your wife know about mine. I came here by chance after googling things on the internet, and found things that helped me with our issues that we were dealing with.
I've been there, done that. Not clear how long you've been married, but it took my wife nearly 20 years to talk to me. She lied to me, lied to multiple counselor, lied to all her doctors, lied to everyone. The truth was awful.
This is a long posting. I hope it helps.
I could have written your posting.
Now, I'm going to break down your posting and answer some of your questions.
**My wife has always had issues with sex in our marriage. There were times when she enjoyed it, but never really any times when she really let go.**
Nearly impossible for those who have been abused to let go like someone who has not. It takes immense amounts of trust and security for them to do so.
**For instance, she doesn't like oral sex (giving or receiving). She doesn't like to kiss very much. She doesn't like foreplay and cannot stand cuddling or pillowtalk afterwards.**
This is not unusual, but the paradox is that these people, same people, often have random sex partners, affairs, and random sexual encounters in unusual places, because of the sexual dysfunction with their normal lives. Men and women both do this. Or, they have no sex at all, none.
**She rarely initiates (maybe twice that I can remember). Overall, she is a bit of a cold fish in bed who tends to lie there still - even when she has an orgasm (which is not that common, but it happens).**
Again common. Sex is a trauma, not a pleasure. Often they will use drugs or alcohol to try to "numb" themselves to it and try to be "normal".
**She called it gross and disgusting.**
It makes her feel bad, dirty, used, etc. Again, this is common.
**I suspected that maybe she was raped or abused by this person**
Keep in mind that it may be far worse than you imagine.
**She did tell me that a man once followed her in a car in the parking lot at her condo complex when she was sixteen, but that she managed to run away to her condo.**
She may have talked to him, he may have raped her, and she may have felt that this was her fault, and always blamed herself, and not have considered it rape, and may not be able to tell you, or anyone else, because it was "her fault".
**She told me that they both got drunk and that they fooled around a little (consensually) before he got on top of her and raped her**
Makes perfect sense. Drunk to help quell the awful feelings, wanting to have affection but not sexual intercourse, but the guy won't stop.
**some of that story doesn't make sense because she also told me that he came (prematurely) when she started licking his neck.**
It makes a lot of sense, perfect sense.
**This doesn't sound like something a girl being raped (even date-raped) would do.**
Yes, it does. These people are normal people, they want to feel good, fool around a little, but then when they want it to stop they can't get the other person to stop.
**The key point here is that I would occasionally (as in once every few years) ask her if she was sexually abused and she always denied it.**
Normal, people often deny it their entire lives. I work in the medical profession, and with people who have been abused. This week a 92 year old who had been abused told me about it. This abuse took place 80 years ago, and she cried and said "I'm worthless, useless, trash" and she's been married longer than many of us live, has a family, a husband who knew and loved her, and children who knew and loved her, and she still feels like trash.
**However, this last time I asked her she admitted to me that she was indeed sexually abused. She didn't say anything more than that. She didn't cry or seem too shaken by the admission. She said she has never had therapy for it and never told anyone else.**
Again normal, and she still hasn't told anyone. She's just cracking the door open and waiting for you to leave her. Really, she is waiting for you to run away now.
**What do I, as the spouse, do now?**
Educate yourself, read, and get yourself a counselor that you feel you can talk with anything about, preferably a female counselor, because your wife will eventually need to be there and she is almost surely not going to talk to a male counselor (unless her abuser was female), and may not even talk to a female counselor.
**Do I ask her about it?**
Tell her that you care. Tell her that you won't leave her not matter how terrible it was, mean it. She's primed for you to leave.
*Do I tell her that I am here to talk about it if she wants to?**
Yes. Don't do what I did, I said over and over "why won't you talk to me". Now, I know, she was terrified to talk to me. My wife and I have been in counseling for over a year and she still feels terrified when we talk.
**Do I insist that she get therapy?**
No, don't insist, that is a power issue, she won't react well to that. Tell her that you yourself need therapy, and you are going to find help, ask her to go with you, ask her to help you find someone you both can talk with. She may leave you rather than talk, but don't hate her.
**Do I just let the subject alone?**
No, the marriage will end if you do that, the problem escalates and deepens the divide that exists.
Be prepared to find out anything...here is a sample (and by the way, my wife is a wonderful mother, intelligent, educated, loving, kind, and beautiful, but she doesn't see herself that way...she sees herself as dirty, failed mother, stupid, ugly, cruel, and trash).
Parental neglect from younger than 10 years of age.
Told she was stupid, "something wrong with you" at same ages.
Attempted rape at 13, interrupted by an adult who didn't live in the house but who drug the older boy off her, her parents never talked with her about it "it was like it never happened".
She and her sisters were molested at 13-17 years of age and exposed to the molestation of each other (had to watch).
Given alcohol and other drugs by parents, grandparents, and others from 13 years of age onward.
Her father apparently had sex with her sister, his daughter, she found out when she was 15.
Raped at 16 by a man in his late 20's to late 30's.
Date Raped by at least 4 others people at least over the next 14 years.
Very skewed sense of sexuality and what sex was supposed to be like, no normal sex life before meeting me.
No orgasms (until after she started talking to me about all this stuff, then surprisingly she started having orgasms...wasn't that a surprise).
She had an affair in our marriage, for some reason she thought I was going to leave her, was being treated for depression, started drinking heavily, started using illicit drugs, and just went crazy, had an affair with a random guy and became so terrified of what she had done and didn't know why she did it, still doesn't many years later, that she became suicidal for years but kept it secret.
Raped when she tried to break off the affair...she said "no", he said "yes you are", and then she was afraid to even call the police "who would believe me". Kept this all hidden.
Acted like she'd been raped for years after the affair, I knew she'd been raped before I met her but didn't know about the number of rapes.
She denied anything had happened.
I asked her if someone had raped her, and she denied it.
I asked her if she'd had an affair and she denied it.
I finally got her to talk, on our anniversary. It was talk, or there wasn't going to be another anniversary.
I was thinking she didn't love me. Little did I know that for nearly 20 years, our entire relationship, she had lived in fear that I would find out that she had been abused, raped by multiple people, and leave her and take our children away from her. Her fear exploded in her secretly after we had our children (we had 3 girls which just made her nearly go crazy when she thought of what happened to her and the worry it would happen to them).
Read:
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933
If there is any alcohol abuse in the family read:
http://www.amazon.com/Complete-ACOA-Sourcebook-Children-Alcoholics/dp/1558749608
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (25 June 2011):
 I think you DO need to ask her to get counseling WITH you as a couple.
Your sex life is a JOINT agreement, and your wife sees it as a dirty duty and not a pleasure to look forward to and become close to you.
Her thinking of sex is warped. I take it that ANY form of aggression would be seen as a huge offense to her.
She is denying herself and your marriage a precious, intimate part that makes it better in the long run. She can not see that right now.
Think about your past-did you have sex prior to marriage with her? Was she cold then?
Has she always been reserved with her affections?
If she once was affectionate to your satisfaction, what changed that? If she never was, you have a harder road ahead.
To change; She has to be willing to be your sexual partner and willing to seek enjoyment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): As a victim off sexual abuse my self I know that it it hard to ge pysical with your partner because you find it hard to swithc off to the abuse evn thought you want to x you nEed to support your wife no matter what be their to support her and hug her and tell her what ever she desides you be their try not to push her to much but say if she wants to talk you be their I was in denial for four years victims tend to put up a wall aound them as a way off coping have had coucilling and it help me loads x I was a victim off rape and sexual abuse and it horriable experience so you need to offer support to your wife
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